Christmas has come and gone. I made the best of it and even planned things I like to do. I drank my way through Christmas eve in a tipsy stupor until I fell asleep. There were some very sad moments, but none so sad as my initial attempt to decorate when I opened a box and came across all of our Christmas stockings. I didn't know what to do with these stockings physically. Do I hang mine? There's nobody to fill it. Do I get rid of Larry's? Do I send his children theirs? Do I donate these items? There came a flood of emotions for the shifting relationships between me and his children. His daughter did not invite me to the grandchildren's birthday parties and I have waited 5 separate days for her to pick up half of Larry's ashes but she never showed and never left an explanation. At the funeral, she acted like I killed Larry. I wished her a happy birthday on Facebook and sent a gift card for Christmas. I'm keeping the lines of communication open mostly because Larry would like it that way.
My relationship with Larry's autistic son, Jordan, however, has shifted for the better. Because Jordan is no longer staying overnight every other weekend, Jordan realizes that it is now a privilege to spend time together and he is on his best behavior. We spent time together for our annual Frazer Family Christmas shopping and in a quiet moment, I asked him if he missed his Dad. He said, "Yes" but then added, "But you miss him most of all". I was astounded that he was able to acknowledge that the relationship of a husband and wife is different than other family members. It was sweet.
Relationships with his friends have shifted. My social life was filled with Larry's friends for the past ten years and that has completely stopped. I don't hear from any of Larry's friends.
Since the hurricane, however, I realize how kind my immediate neighbors have been, tackling robbers and getting relatives with chainsaws to help me with a fallen tree. Also kind have been my dogwalking friends from the neighborhood with whom I have spent the past 6 or 7 New Year's Eves. This year, because my house has a dining room and as an acknowledgement to Larry, the party will be mostly at my home. Larry would be thrilled.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Strange Juxtaposition
While the world is busy forgetting about Larry, nine months later I am still inundated with daily reminders. I went to a financial place to transfer Larry's retirement funds to my name. The woman at the desk was young and seemingly unmarried. As I have gotten used to, she did not say, "I'm sorry for your loss." but simply went about her business. While closing accounts, and transferring funds, nobody asks about Larry, a man who had a fairly big career here in Princeton and an even bigger personality. To the people that I now interact with, he is just a deceased person. Amongst most people that knew him, they do not mention him for fear of upsetting me. I do not hear from his friends or people who might still hold him dear in their hearts as I still do.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Christmas t-shirt
I have not written in a long, long time. Mostly due to being very inundated with new clients and new things to learn. Sounds good and it mostly is, but the truth is this experience of watching my life partner slip away has left me with lots of vulnerability and anxiety. I feel like I'm 5 years old living in this adult world. I really just want my Mommy but instead, I put on a blazer and pretend that I know how to fix your website or get you more Facebook followers, create a promotional video for your business etc.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Purpose is Saving Me
The holidays are coming and I feel just plain crummy; physically and mentally. It feels like I am going backwards in grief. I have a lot of sob moments right now although I have taken steps to take care of myself and try to get some of my needs met. There is one aspect of my life where I know I am truly blessed. As others in my grief group repeat the sentiment that they feel lost and don't understand why they are left here on earth, I know perfectly well what I was put on earth to do and that is to produce educational children's videos. It feels a little unsafe to share this with the rest of my grief group, but, in fact, I have been working towards this goal for the past 15 years, perhaps longer. There could be no greater time than now to produce Sesame Street for the environment and the final part of the puzzle presented itself in the form of a troupe of puppeteers I got to know through a class. And so we are building puppet, writing storyboards, scheduling rehearsals etc and I am the human who gets to be in charge of this which is awesome.
I met with the grief group tonight and it just helped to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and the craziness of life after your loved one dies. It has almost been 7 months now but it feels as fresh as yesterday. The advent of the holiday season approaching is triggering me even more.
I met with the grief group tonight and it just helped to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and the craziness of life after your loved one dies. It has almost been 7 months now but it feels as fresh as yesterday. The advent of the holiday season approaching is triggering me even more.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
All Shook Up
It has been one heck of a week and most of it has been today.
I've been frustrated with a pain in my back that has been going on for 9 months. I'm finally getting physical therapy, but there have been lots of setbacks and today I felt as if this is it, it's never going to end. I have some other minor physical things going on too, but it all adds up to feeling old and tired and truly worried that physically, this is as good as it's going to get. I even hurt sitting. I honestly feel like it's just anxiety but I can't seem to quell the anxiety.
Yesterday I went to town hall to ask about a late payment on a sewer bill that I didn't understand. They were incredibly not compassionate which lead to me screaming things at them in the hallway which reverberated throughout the municipal building.
I had an incident today at work which left me feeling very used and I was driving home trying to decide what to do about it and clearly bothered by it.
I have a neighbor who is pretty nosy and sometimes the minute I open my car door, there he is, even late at night. That was the case tonight. Internally I was rolling my eyes at being accosted yet again by Bob when he said the police just left my house. Apparently, two men saw packages on the side of my house and walked away with them. My neighbor heard my dogs bark and happened to look out the window to see them walking down my driveway so he tackled the one with the larger package, dialed 911 and he got away. Luckily for me it was dog food and dog medicine and not my expensive video camera which came last week.
I'm a little shook up by this....wondering if this was a crime of opportunity or not. Regardless they know the white car in the driveway means nobody is home.
This week has left me completely emotionally wiped out.
I've been frustrated with a pain in my back that has been going on for 9 months. I'm finally getting physical therapy, but there have been lots of setbacks and today I felt as if this is it, it's never going to end. I have some other minor physical things going on too, but it all adds up to feeling old and tired and truly worried that physically, this is as good as it's going to get. I even hurt sitting. I honestly feel like it's just anxiety but I can't seem to quell the anxiety.
Yesterday I went to town hall to ask about a late payment on a sewer bill that I didn't understand. They were incredibly not compassionate which lead to me screaming things at them in the hallway which reverberated throughout the municipal building.
I had an incident today at work which left me feeling very used and I was driving home trying to decide what to do about it and clearly bothered by it.
I have a neighbor who is pretty nosy and sometimes the minute I open my car door, there he is, even late at night. That was the case tonight. Internally I was rolling my eyes at being accosted yet again by Bob when he said the police just left my house. Apparently, two men saw packages on the side of my house and walked away with them. My neighbor heard my dogs bark and happened to look out the window to see them walking down my driveway so he tackled the one with the larger package, dialed 911 and he got away. Luckily for me it was dog food and dog medicine and not my expensive video camera which came last week.
I'm a little shook up by this....wondering if this was a crime of opportunity or not. Regardless they know the white car in the driveway means nobody is home.
This week has left me completely emotionally wiped out.
Friday, November 9, 2012
He's Everywhere
I wish I could say that life is returning to normal, but with the holidays approaching, it feels like Larry is everywhere but not in a good way. Take my trip to Maine to visit Larry's brother and sister-in-law. The trip itself was lovely and so were they, but I decided to do something I don't seem to have time to do at home--that is shop--at the nearby LL Bean flagship store. Upon entering, there was a huge display of the gift I got for Larry each Christmas--slippers. Larry was into Walmart everything and I upgraded him to LL Bean "Wicked Good" Slippers. He really adored his slippers and nicknamed them Moose and Squirrel. So my shopping start made me sad as well as my shopping end when they mentioned the "ship to" address I used so that Larry would not discover his Christmas presents.
Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing. I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast. The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time. I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it. I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him). I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages.
One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping. Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him. I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights.
Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year. I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me. I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them.
I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress. I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on. The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high. Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that. The other part is that I'm an anxious person. Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow. Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.
Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing. I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast. The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time. I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it. I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him). I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages.
One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping. Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him. I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights.
Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year. I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me. I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them.
I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress. I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on. The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high. Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that. The other part is that I'm an anxious person. Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow. Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I'm gonna spray my pee at you, oh yeah
Well, I bet this one got your attention. I have been going through lots of physical testing and it's been trying. I've had back pain for 6 months and the doctors decided to rule out lots of stuff, some involving pee which, while I was waiting for the urologist to perform this most unpleasant procedure, I was giggling at this most unusual gift I received from a friend who hasn't seen me since Larry died and who wanted to make me feel better.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Handyman
I hired a handyman. For the first time in 2 years I can lock all of my doors. With the pit bulls, it didn't much matter but nobody's going to purchase a home where not all the doors lock.
Also, after going through quite a few medical tests, nothing is seriously wrong with me.
Also, after going through quite a few medical tests, nothing is seriously wrong with me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
When I miss Larry and other musings
I have this rule with myself to never work freelance past 9 pm. First, I get up extremely early to start work and secondly, I have had fatigue-related health issues in the past and this is one way of keeping that from happening again. It is getting increasingly hard to stick to this. When Larry died, I had two main clients. I now have five and I thank the universe for that, but it's got it's challenges.
I started reading this book called Evolution Angel loaned to me by a friend about a ER physician's experiences talking with spirit guides. It kind of explains why people have to die etc. and it has been comforting. These spirits place a great emphasis on good deeds and so I have begun to volunteer 15 minutes per day at the local animal shelter to work with a happy (but slightly obnoxious) little dog named Bunny. She wasn't too interested in my training methods until I brought hotdogs. I also volunteered to help a program I belong to called Suppers which helps me maintain healthy eating.
So here's the opposite of my last post, I am starting with the good and moving on to the bad. I am VERY busy and it is becoming clear to me that my new lifestyle will not support having a house and all that it takes to maintain that house so will definitely be moving out of a house and into townhouse or condo but not for a while - at least another year.
There have been a few moments when I miss having my friend around. The worst (and it really was the moment I felt the MOST sorry for myself since Larry passed) was I have recently needed to have a lot of medical testing done. I went for a CT scan. I was nervous, there was huge drama over my paperwork and precertification number to get the insurance company to cover it, delaying the scan and now having to squeeze me in. I watched an older patient as they wheeled him into the radiology department. The nurses were talking to him, but he was dispondant. I wondered if he had any family looking after him. I wondered who will look after me if I become ill. My parents are older and I have one sibling left (the other died young) who lives across the country and probably would not be too keen on taking care of me. She has always been a bit of a fun-loving gal and not as good at facing tough emotional situations. So stuff went wrong and I'm a needle phobe anyway and the tests I'm having done are to rule out cancer, I asked someone to come along with me but they couldn't and it just felt very lonely. I made it through the scan without much incident (did have to stop them because I was going to faint but I did not!).
The other moment was a storm that hit Tuesday night. I get really nervous about being alone for a natural disaster and having another human in the house just kind of calms me down. Anyway, the storm was really intense for about 15 minutes but then subsided. Branches fell, some large, none hit the house.
The other thing that I miss about Larry is having someone take me out for a good meal. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that one. Saturday I try to cook a fancy meal for myself but it's not the same as being waited on and tasting good food you didn't have to work hard for. I don't know, singles, got any strategies?
I started reading this book called Evolution Angel loaned to me by a friend about a ER physician's experiences talking with spirit guides. It kind of explains why people have to die etc. and it has been comforting. These spirits place a great emphasis on good deeds and so I have begun to volunteer 15 minutes per day at the local animal shelter to work with a happy (but slightly obnoxious) little dog named Bunny. She wasn't too interested in my training methods until I brought hotdogs. I also volunteered to help a program I belong to called Suppers which helps me maintain healthy eating.
So here's the opposite of my last post, I am starting with the good and moving on to the bad. I am VERY busy and it is becoming clear to me that my new lifestyle will not support having a house and all that it takes to maintain that house so will definitely be moving out of a house and into townhouse or condo but not for a while - at least another year.
There have been a few moments when I miss having my friend around. The worst (and it really was the moment I felt the MOST sorry for myself since Larry passed) was I have recently needed to have a lot of medical testing done. I went for a CT scan. I was nervous, there was huge drama over my paperwork and precertification number to get the insurance company to cover it, delaying the scan and now having to squeeze me in. I watched an older patient as they wheeled him into the radiology department. The nurses were talking to him, but he was dispondant. I wondered if he had any family looking after him. I wondered who will look after me if I become ill. My parents are older and I have one sibling left (the other died young) who lives across the country and probably would not be too keen on taking care of me. She has always been a bit of a fun-loving gal and not as good at facing tough emotional situations. So stuff went wrong and I'm a needle phobe anyway and the tests I'm having done are to rule out cancer, I asked someone to come along with me but they couldn't and it just felt very lonely. I made it through the scan without much incident (did have to stop them because I was going to faint but I did not!).
The other moment was a storm that hit Tuesday night. I get really nervous about being alone for a natural disaster and having another human in the house just kind of calms me down. Anyway, the storm was really intense for about 15 minutes but then subsided. Branches fell, some large, none hit the house.
The other thing that I miss about Larry is having someone take me out for a good meal. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that one. Saturday I try to cook a fancy meal for myself but it's not the same as being waited on and tasting good food you didn't have to work hard for. I don't know, singles, got any strategies?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Disappointed
I haven't blogged for almost one month. Partly because I have a big video project keeping me busy. Partly because I haven't known how to say something without hurting feelings. Sometimes, I think life should be bigger, sweeter, kinder than it is and I've been very disappointed that some people just didn't come through for me in the way that I wanted them to after Larry died--particularly Larry's friends. I didn't want to blog about it because I was afraid someone would read this and think that I was talking about them personally. I don't want to make anyone wrong, but I can't deny that I have been feeling disappointed. We're almost at the 6 month mark and so the world kind of expects you to function as normal and I am still far from normal. I am better, however, much better. There are a lot of good things happening. I've alluded to one of them but wanted to wait until I felt more sure that it was happening. I made friends with some puppeteers from a class I took and they are going to help me make a 15-year dream of making a "Sesame Street for wildlife" come true.
You wouldn't expect this, but there's still so much to do to settle everything. I still have finances to rearrange and transfer and PSE&G wanted to charge me an extra $500 to put the account in my name so I decided I could be Larry for the rest of my life. (Oh, also, when I went there in person and explained that my husband died, blank stare, no "I'm sorry for your loss". If there's one thing I'd like people to know from this blog is that it feels so bad when people say nothing and the thing to say that is ALWAYS appropriate is..."I'm sorry for your loss." It's not that hard to say. One of the people I've been furious at are my neighbors across the street who have never acknowledged that Larry died. They're not so friendly anyway. Three weeks after Larry died I ran into the wife at a garden store and she had a big smile on her face and said "Hi". I don't know why people think that will make me feel better. It actually made me want to hit people for a while. It feels like there's an elephant in the room that nobody was acknowledging. How about a neutral, "hi". It's different now. It feel ok when people are cheery. Nobody ever brings up Larry's name except my Mom.
Still, I feel stronger than I anticipated. Larry and I always felt that the world didn't really see my talents and suddenly has changed. It feels like everyone sees what I can contribute. Feels very good to be happening in conjunction with a giant loss.
You wouldn't expect this, but there's still so much to do to settle everything. I still have finances to rearrange and transfer and PSE&G wanted to charge me an extra $500 to put the account in my name so I decided I could be Larry for the rest of my life. (Oh, also, when I went there in person and explained that my husband died, blank stare, no "I'm sorry for your loss". If there's one thing I'd like people to know from this blog is that it feels so bad when people say nothing and the thing to say that is ALWAYS appropriate is..."I'm sorry for your loss." It's not that hard to say. One of the people I've been furious at are my neighbors across the street who have never acknowledged that Larry died. They're not so friendly anyway. Three weeks after Larry died I ran into the wife at a garden store and she had a big smile on her face and said "Hi". I don't know why people think that will make me feel better. It actually made me want to hit people for a while. It feels like there's an elephant in the room that nobody was acknowledging. How about a neutral, "hi". It's different now. It feel ok when people are cheery. Nobody ever brings up Larry's name except my Mom.
Still, I feel stronger than I anticipated. Larry and I always felt that the world didn't really see my talents and suddenly has changed. It feels like everyone sees what I can contribute. Feels very good to be happening in conjunction with a giant loss.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A Week to Recover
I have been frittering time away over the past two days playing an internet game called Jewel Quest. When I play it, I don't have to feel anything and sometimes, that's what I want. Today it's been a little hard to break away from it and I realized when I was able to break away on my long Sunday dog walk in the woods that it's because I am disappointed. Last night I sang and played guitar. First time I sang in a year, first time I played guitar in about 10 years. I wanted it to be an A+ performance. It was more like a B+ performance...very good, showed tremendous potential and everyone encouraged me to keep at it. I wanted to resurface musically like a phoenix from the ashes, I wanted this to be the performance of a lifetime but how can I compare myself to people who are on stage solo all the time? It's not fair for me to compare myself like that and the truth is that I practiced hard and it needs more work and it was good--very good. Realistically, I'm still grieving and that saps your energy. I made this performance mean something big and because of that, I am disappointed. And of course, everyone is a bit down after something they prepared a lot for is over. (A few friends showed up and that was nice.)
I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present. I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them. I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up. Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen.
And so I am not doing the things that need done today. I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but. I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings. If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment. I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes. I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week? I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley. It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog. After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos. Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.
If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok. I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind. I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs. Maybe that was the most important thing to do today.
I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present. I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them. I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up. Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen.
And so I am not doing the things that need done today. I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but. I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings. If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment. I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes. I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week? I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley. It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog. After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos. Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.
If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok. I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind. I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs. Maybe that was the most important thing to do today.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Don't buy fresh black eyed peas
In general, I'm feeling my energy come back, my desire to do things that are good for me...which led me to my purchase of fresh black eyed peas at the farmers market. They seemed exotic and interesting. Tonight's dinner decision was between a vegetarian gratin (I'm not vegetarian but I don't care if I don't have meat at every meal unlike my late husband) or black eyed peas with grits. So I'm taking advantage of things I couldn't do when Larry was alive. There had to be meat and there had to be a sauce to go with the meat. Back to the peas. I opted for the peas because I didn't feel like the 30 minute prep for the other dish but I was oh so wrong.
When you see no instructions on the internet about cooking or preparing a vegetable, there's a reason for it. It is synonymous with way-too-much-work-so-don't-even-try-it, it is not worth taking up space on the internet or it's never been done. Pick one. I was struggling with merely peeling the beans so I got this idea to parboil them. This helped. Not wanting to stand and shell these and be painfully aware of the time it was taking to shell them, I turned on a documentary. One full documentary later, I had the peas shelled. I kind of went with a recipe and kind of ad libbed but dinner fell just short of being yummy and I would have done less work with the other dish. Lesson learned. I long to develop a repertoire of go to recipes that I can just whip up. Some nights this happens. So not much about grief to report except that I am appreciating things that Larry did for us that makes my life sweeter now (such as we almost always had yummy meals) and the thoughts are not always met with a tinge of sadness. It hasn't quite been 4 months. I think this is excellent progress.
When you see no instructions on the internet about cooking or preparing a vegetable, there's a reason for it. It is synonymous with way-too-much-work-so-don't-even-try-it, it is not worth taking up space on the internet or it's never been done. Pick one. I was struggling with merely peeling the beans so I got this idea to parboil them. This helped. Not wanting to stand and shell these and be painfully aware of the time it was taking to shell them, I turned on a documentary. One full documentary later, I had the peas shelled. I kind of went with a recipe and kind of ad libbed but dinner fell just short of being yummy and I would have done less work with the other dish. Lesson learned. I long to develop a repertoire of go to recipes that I can just whip up. Some nights this happens. So not much about grief to report except that I am appreciating things that Larry did for us that makes my life sweeter now (such as we almost always had yummy meals) and the thoughts are not always met with a tinge of sadness. It hasn't quite been 4 months. I think this is excellent progress.
Monday, August 13, 2012
AAA--A Single Gal's Best Friend
You know those people you meet and you wonder how they are getting by with life because they are so not present that they leave their wallet on the counter or loose their keys or LOCK THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING AND THEIR POCKETBOOK INSIDE? I must confess that I have an artist's temperament and that I fight everyday not to be as spacey as I really am and having lost Larry, I can tell you it is a million times worse than usual. I have lists and charts and timers and reminders to counteract the fact that I have trouble with life's basics, but yes, I locked my dogs in the car with the motor running as well as my pocketbook. But who needs a husband when you have AAA? Every other person has a AAA card on them and a cell phone and all AAA needs is your name and they can look you up. Another non-event thanks to my AAA membership!
So I think I've decided that the yard is a little much for me to maintain from year to year so I'll probably move but not anytime soon. For now I'm actually enjoying parts of being alone. I get a lot of energy from being alone--always have. Parties wear me out. All that small talk is tedious. And my new best friend is Etsy--my source for affordable decorating. Larry loved the ocean (as I do) and so I am transforming the room that he passed away in, into a beautiful nautical-themed room filled with antique prints of starfish and jellyfish, shells on the dresser and several shades of blue. The jury is out right now on whether or not I will rent this room but I cannot imagine sharing space with someone right now. I would be grouchy with even the perfect roommate so it will be my starfish guestroom for now.
Yes, folks, I am having longer and longer periods of time when I forget the awfulness of loosing Larry. Things are good with my career. In fact, a lifelong project is coming to fruition thanks to the graduates of my puppet class. I'll share more on that another time. I'm still a bit incredulous that my carpe diem moment is here. Anyway, my talents are finally being recognized by the world. The day that Larry decided to give up fighting the cancer, at the end of the conversation when there were no more words to be said, I said to Larry, if there's any way for you to help my career from the other side...I trailed off. He emphatically said, "No worries mate" which is what he often referred to me as. I don't know if that's what he is busy doing or if my energy is finally freed up, but I find myself more and more in front of shakers and movers in the town of Princeton and they are saying that I'm very talented in a variety of different things.
The dogs have also been a Godsend. They are silly and happy creatures and I so look forward to coming home to pet them and dote on them. Oakley and I will start our agility classes on Monday. That's what I asked for for my 50th birthday because when I am training her, I do not dwell on the past, I am totally present so that's 8 weeks where I know that one hour a week, I will be pleasantly distracted.
I even cooked for a couple this weekend. I choose a menu I couldn't mess up too badly, but the meal was good and then we all went to see the new Woody Allen movie (yawn, don't bother).
Yes, my friends, grief is easing up a bit.
So I think I've decided that the yard is a little much for me to maintain from year to year so I'll probably move but not anytime soon. For now I'm actually enjoying parts of being alone. I get a lot of energy from being alone--always have. Parties wear me out. All that small talk is tedious. And my new best friend is Etsy--my source for affordable decorating. Larry loved the ocean (as I do) and so I am transforming the room that he passed away in, into a beautiful nautical-themed room filled with antique prints of starfish and jellyfish, shells on the dresser and several shades of blue. The jury is out right now on whether or not I will rent this room but I cannot imagine sharing space with someone right now. I would be grouchy with even the perfect roommate so it will be my starfish guestroom for now.
Yes, folks, I am having longer and longer periods of time when I forget the awfulness of loosing Larry. Things are good with my career. In fact, a lifelong project is coming to fruition thanks to the graduates of my puppet class. I'll share more on that another time. I'm still a bit incredulous that my carpe diem moment is here. Anyway, my talents are finally being recognized by the world. The day that Larry decided to give up fighting the cancer, at the end of the conversation when there were no more words to be said, I said to Larry, if there's any way for you to help my career from the other side...I trailed off. He emphatically said, "No worries mate" which is what he often referred to me as. I don't know if that's what he is busy doing or if my energy is finally freed up, but I find myself more and more in front of shakers and movers in the town of Princeton and they are saying that I'm very talented in a variety of different things.
The dogs have also been a Godsend. They are silly and happy creatures and I so look forward to coming home to pet them and dote on them. Oakley and I will start our agility classes on Monday. That's what I asked for for my 50th birthday because when I am training her, I do not dwell on the past, I am totally present so that's 8 weeks where I know that one hour a week, I will be pleasantly distracted.
I even cooked for a couple this weekend. I choose a menu I couldn't mess up too badly, but the meal was good and then we all went to see the new Woody Allen movie (yawn, don't bother).
Yes, my friends, grief is easing up a bit.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Almost Perfect Day
You may recall how the yanking away of the Toyota Rav 4 I was leasing left me feeling a bit violated. Being forced to drive my dead husband's car left me slightly deflated. Not only because Larry's idea of car maintenance was, buy it, own it, maintain just enough to keep it running, drive it till it falls apart, but also because that car felt like it was going to break down any minute. This past Thursday night, that's just what it did as I was discussing that very subject with my passenger. But what luck, I was with a friend whose girlfriend was following us, I have AAA so towing was free, my Mom was a staying at my house and I had put a down payment on a car one week prior and was one day away from picking it up. What does all this mean? In a nutshell, since I do not own the car, I am not responsible for fixing it and since my Mom was at my house, she was my chauffeur for one day only until I picked up my new (used) car in Bethlehem PA. The ride to the car this morning was a gorgeous one, hill and dale past small farms, and orchards, the kind of New Jersey you hope might really exist. After getting the title for the car (another Rav 4 and I feel so much better feeling that I'm driving around in a safe car), we headed into the town of Bethlehem to a store that my Mom loves (I'm not much of a shopper) but I felt Larry's presence there as if to say, I know you bought a car and I'm celebrating with you so I purchased a fancy schmancy realistic smelling car air freshener--lavender. We had trouble finding a lunch spot but stumbled upon a quirky place called Horns at Lehigh Valley College where the food was organic and delicious and I would gladly return. I drove home stopping at one of the small farms where I picked a pint of raspberries and blackberries and payment was on the honor system with a box placed on the counter. It felt good to be alone and abandoning my standard checklist-of-a-day. Raspberry-stained hands, I got into the car and drove home in lavender-scented blissful solitude.
Monday, July 30, 2012
When Things are Good
The windows are finally open. I don't hear the air conditioner droning on. It's things like tonight's weather that make me miss Larry the most. I forced myself to take a few minutes and lie in the comfy, ergonomically designed lounge chair that my parents bought so that Larry could sit outside. His legs were failing and we needed something he could kind of plop into easily. I think he got to use it once--that's how quickly he declined. I think I miss Larry the most when things (like tonight's weather) are good and there's no one to share them with. My tendency is to busy myself so that I don't have to feel that huge loss. But I feel it tonight. I guess that's why they call it grief. Even when things are good, it doesn't go away.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Still Climbing Uphill
I got a very nice phone call from the mother of a friend yesterday. She was widowed at age 28. Heart attack. It was nice to hear from another widow who clearly understood how much has to be handled, especially that first year but the birthday bask over, I am back to climbing uphill. There are three things I am dealing with in particular right now.
Larry's car does not feel very safe to drive. I have never liked this car. It was mine first. Yesterday the entire electrical panel of the car starting doing strange things and the engine sounded weird. Lights popping on and off on the dashboard. It felt electrical but it was scary. I was on a one lane country road. I feel like I need another car asap and don't want to rush into something. Have an appointment with Honda on Saturday.
My prescription company is not recognizing me as covered. I mentioned that I'm having a lot of pain and have two prescriptions to deal with muscle and tooth pain. I can't pick them up without paying full price due to some kind of glitch with Larry's employer whom I pay to be insured. Spent an hour trying to resolve that last night. Hopefully will be resolved by end of day.
Most disturbing is that the fish pond is leaking water from the pump causing lots of water to be lost. I turned off the pump last night after asking a neighbor if the fish would be ok. Most are. One is dying now. It's hard to watch one of Larry's fish on it's back gasping for oxygen since it takes me back to Larry's final days which were highly disturbing. If fish were warm blooded, I might find the strength to kill the fish, but knowing it is not in pain, I'm just going to let things take their course.
I'm looking forward to connecting with more widows in September to share that trauma in hopes of feeling better about it. I mentioned in a past blog that I went to a grief group in Hamilton and felt judged--like really judged for being divorced and other things too.
Larry's car does not feel very safe to drive. I have never liked this car. It was mine first. Yesterday the entire electrical panel of the car starting doing strange things and the engine sounded weird. Lights popping on and off on the dashboard. It felt electrical but it was scary. I was on a one lane country road. I feel like I need another car asap and don't want to rush into something. Have an appointment with Honda on Saturday.
My prescription company is not recognizing me as covered. I mentioned that I'm having a lot of pain and have two prescriptions to deal with muscle and tooth pain. I can't pick them up without paying full price due to some kind of glitch with Larry's employer whom I pay to be insured. Spent an hour trying to resolve that last night. Hopefully will be resolved by end of day.
Most disturbing is that the fish pond is leaking water from the pump causing lots of water to be lost. I turned off the pump last night after asking a neighbor if the fish would be ok. Most are. One is dying now. It's hard to watch one of Larry's fish on it's back gasping for oxygen since it takes me back to Larry's final days which were highly disturbing. If fish were warm blooded, I might find the strength to kill the fish, but knowing it is not in pain, I'm just going to let things take their course.
I'm looking forward to connecting with more widows in September to share that trauma in hopes of feeling better about it. I mentioned in a past blog that I went to a grief group in Hamilton and felt judged--like really judged for being divorced and other things too.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Post Birthday
My 50th was filled with lots of people showing me how much they love me. It was just what I wanted. A bit low key but at least there were no silly black balloons and over the hill cards. Lovely cards, gifts, flowers and Facebook well wishes abounded. Perhaps the worst of grief is over. May, I think I was still very much in shock, June felt pretty awful and July feels a bit more hopeful. Film fests, my birthday, a visit from my niece and new clients. July is also the month that I have the finances pretty much figured out and the bank is not going to take the house away any time soon so I feel more relaxed.
Speaking of the house, at first I tackled the yard work with the fervor of a 13-year old girl who had just been permitted a Facebook account. The yard and it's tools mysterious teachings were part of a new frontier that I was going to embrace wholeheartedly. That feeling was short lived. Thank God for my parents who help me catch up when I feel like throwing my hands in the air. I have perpetual poison ivy although it's down to a dull annoyance. During July I kept thinking, why do I feel so overwhelmed? I don't think most widows have to deal with all the special things Larry had rigged up. Larry was so proud that he never paid full price on things but what that translates to is that these product and appliances require a PhD to operate them and so were reduced to half price. I have unique and difficult setups for pond filters, garden hoses, a gas fireplace and even the air conditioners on the second floor. All of these things are a bit tricky to operate and then throw in the complications of his will (the Levittown house) and juggling three jobs and there you go. How could anyone not feel somewhat overwhelmed?
I think you can even hear it in the tone of my writing that I feel a little stronger this month except that I seem to have developed some kind of chronic fatigue issues. I don't want to go into great detail on this because I don't particularly want to feed my fear. I have not felt very well for a large majority of my life. Anyway, it has become hard to even walk without pain or drive to work without feeling sleepy so I'm beginning what will probably be a long process of blood work and MRIs tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's a stress induced flare up of Fibromyalgia and am hoping to feel better in a month.
The word meditation came up so often after Larry's death that I finally succumbed and am enjoying a group that meets on Sundays. It's a Zen mediation with a lecture and yesterday's lecture was on giving and receiving. The Zen master mentioned how difficult it is to receive openly. As someone who still feels she has nothing to give back to people, I'd say receiving freely is definitely harder. Sometimes I wonder if God or (insert word of choice here) made me a widow to learn how to receive. I feel some guilt that I have not acknowledged everyone who wished me a happy birthday, or sent me a present, or sent a card to the house but here I am barely able to finish up a client file and cook dinner and blog. It is only 7:40 pm and I feel like I could go to bed already. Tomorrow I will buy thank you cards and divide and conquer.
I have avoided answering the calls on my home machine. I know that one of them is probably from a woman who wants to explore living here part time. It could bring in a little income that could help with the shortfall I have right now and so I need to explore that option but she doesn't seem like a very sympathetic person and has a dog and my Montana is a bit of a loose cannon with other dogs. You can just feel my ambivalence.
I want tons of control in my house right now. I want things how I want them--I don't want anyone doing anything in my house without asking first if they can clean or move something and I'm pretty busy so sometimes leave the kitchen (and other parts of the house) a mess and feel I need that luxury right now.
So that's my wrap up on July a bit early.
Oh, I am singing on Saturday, August 18 at the Arts Council of Princeton. Many people have asked and want to come. I don't have a time yet. It is an open mic which means there are many other performers and I have a 20 minute set but it's just a few dollars - $3 I think and it's the first time I'll be singing in a year. Last time was a benefit for Larry on August 20, 2011. With my new found fatigue, I'm both nervous and regretting my commitment. (Just nerves, don't worry).
Speaking of the house, at first I tackled the yard work with the fervor of a 13-year old girl who had just been permitted a Facebook account. The yard and it's tools mysterious teachings were part of a new frontier that I was going to embrace wholeheartedly. That feeling was short lived. Thank God for my parents who help me catch up when I feel like throwing my hands in the air. I have perpetual poison ivy although it's down to a dull annoyance. During July I kept thinking, why do I feel so overwhelmed? I don't think most widows have to deal with all the special things Larry had rigged up. Larry was so proud that he never paid full price on things but what that translates to is that these product and appliances require a PhD to operate them and so were reduced to half price. I have unique and difficult setups for pond filters, garden hoses, a gas fireplace and even the air conditioners on the second floor. All of these things are a bit tricky to operate and then throw in the complications of his will (the Levittown house) and juggling three jobs and there you go. How could anyone not feel somewhat overwhelmed?
I think you can even hear it in the tone of my writing that I feel a little stronger this month except that I seem to have developed some kind of chronic fatigue issues. I don't want to go into great detail on this because I don't particularly want to feed my fear. I have not felt very well for a large majority of my life. Anyway, it has become hard to even walk without pain or drive to work without feeling sleepy so I'm beginning what will probably be a long process of blood work and MRIs tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's a stress induced flare up of Fibromyalgia and am hoping to feel better in a month.
The word meditation came up so often after Larry's death that I finally succumbed and am enjoying a group that meets on Sundays. It's a Zen mediation with a lecture and yesterday's lecture was on giving and receiving. The Zen master mentioned how difficult it is to receive openly. As someone who still feels she has nothing to give back to people, I'd say receiving freely is definitely harder. Sometimes I wonder if God or (insert word of choice here) made me a widow to learn how to receive. I feel some guilt that I have not acknowledged everyone who wished me a happy birthday, or sent me a present, or sent a card to the house but here I am barely able to finish up a client file and cook dinner and blog. It is only 7:40 pm and I feel like I could go to bed already. Tomorrow I will buy thank you cards and divide and conquer.
 |
| Loose Cannon Montana |
I want tons of control in my house right now. I want things how I want them--I don't want anyone doing anything in my house without asking first if they can clean or move something and I'm pretty busy so sometimes leave the kitchen (and other parts of the house) a mess and feel I need that luxury right now.
So that's my wrap up on July a bit early.
Oh, I am singing on Saturday, August 18 at the Arts Council of Princeton. Many people have asked and want to come. I don't have a time yet. It is an open mic which means there are many other performers and I have a 20 minute set but it's just a few dollars - $3 I think and it's the first time I'll be singing in a year. Last time was a benefit for Larry on August 20, 2011. With my new found fatigue, I'm both nervous and regretting my commitment. (Just nerves, don't worry).
Thursday, July 19, 2012
50
It is a few hours before I turn 50 years old and it's been an especially hard week because of that. I thought that Larry would be able to hang in until I turned 50. He was planning a party or something (because I'm not a fan of big parties) according to my Mom. I'm glad he isn't here for my 50th birthday simply because of the state he was in. I told him many times that it was ok to die and I begged him to die the day that he did. He couldn't communicate and usually couldn't figure out where I was in the room so wasn't making eye contact with me, I don't think he could see me. He hadn't eaten for three weeks.
I see a berievement counselor once a month. She said one of the hardest things for the spouses left behind is that their memories are much like I described above and it's a terrible memory and they just can't stop thinking about it. In September, I will join a group of young spouses who have lost their spouses. I think it will do me good. People are so incredibly insensitive that I'm growing immune to it. Just yesterday, I was filming someone Larry knew--another chef--and although he did say he was sorry for my loss (a man acknowledging Larry's death--lots of points--most men like to pretend it didn't happen and make no reference to it.), he proceeded to talk with the show host about how many of his friends are starting to die etc, etc. (Hello? Do you think this conversation might be painful for me?) As more time goes on, more people expect you to be over it. As I've said before, I feel like I was in the trenches in WWII and I saw my best friend get blown up and watched him die a slow, lingering death. That's not something you get over in a few months or six months or a year. I know that it's going to take at least a year to start to feel normal. I do not feel normal right now.
I find myself trying to do things that are normal and halfway through feeling exhausted or like it is too much. One of my friends says that the Jewish tradition has a list of things widows and widowers are supposed to avoid or not do and a timeline for it. I wish this list were universal so that people would understand the state I'm in a little better.
That being said, I am having more and more moments of contentment and sometimes even fun. I am watching lots of British period pieces that I wouldn't be able to watch if Larry were around. Just finished a good one produced in 2004 called North South. Very Jane Austin-ish.
I see a berievement counselor once a month. She said one of the hardest things for the spouses left behind is that their memories are much like I described above and it's a terrible memory and they just can't stop thinking about it. In September, I will join a group of young spouses who have lost their spouses. I think it will do me good. People are so incredibly insensitive that I'm growing immune to it. Just yesterday, I was filming someone Larry knew--another chef--and although he did say he was sorry for my loss (a man acknowledging Larry's death--lots of points--most men like to pretend it didn't happen and make no reference to it.), he proceeded to talk with the show host about how many of his friends are starting to die etc, etc. (Hello? Do you think this conversation might be painful for me?) As more time goes on, more people expect you to be over it. As I've said before, I feel like I was in the trenches in WWII and I saw my best friend get blown up and watched him die a slow, lingering death. That's not something you get over in a few months or six months or a year. I know that it's going to take at least a year to start to feel normal. I do not feel normal right now.
I find myself trying to do things that are normal and halfway through feeling exhausted or like it is too much. One of my friends says that the Jewish tradition has a list of things widows and widowers are supposed to avoid or not do and a timeline for it. I wish this list were universal so that people would understand the state I'm in a little better.
That being said, I am having more and more moments of contentment and sometimes even fun. I am watching lots of British period pieces that I wouldn't be able to watch if Larry were around. Just finished a good one produced in 2004 called North South. Very Jane Austin-ish.
Monday, July 16, 2012
What to Say
Weekends are rough. I have more time to think. I did not want to spend most of my Saturday defrosting Larry's giant old freezer and I thought it would result in having lots of things to eat but most were giant cuts of meat that I can never eat unless I throw a lot of dinner parties. You don't want me to cook for you right now, it's very hit or miss. Speaking of parties, I went to party on Sunday. It was thrown by one of Larry's few friends who hasn't abandoned me. I was nervous and hung with people I had met before. I thought that one of Larry's old friends didn't recognize me but he finally acknowledged me in the kitchen and said, "It's hard to know what to say to you right now." And I realized that most of the feeling that people have abandoned me is due to just not knowing what to say and how true that felt when he said it. I have a friend who was widowed 2 weeks after I was right down the street and I have a hard time knowing what to say to her. So I've been thinking about this and I think the things that are easier to answer are things like, "how was your week" or "describe your day" or "how have things been with your graphic art business? because it doesn't assume that you're awful or good and those two feelings change on a dime these days. Or specifics such as, how did the film festival go in Lambertville?
I wish that I could have happy memories of Larry, but when I see something that reminds me of him (tonight it was cooking oil), it only makes me sad right now. There are more and more moments when I am not thinking about what happened to Larry this past year and right now, I'm glad for that. I still have at least one moment of complete shock every day, like, "did that really happen?" It still seems incredible.
Got into one more film festival...a prestigious one. So that's 3 film fests with 2 films and am working on a piece for a big client. Work has been very good lately. Even the ribbon business is going very well.
OMG, I just burned my dinner.
I wish that I could have happy memories of Larry, but when I see something that reminds me of him (tonight it was cooking oil), it only makes me sad right now. There are more and more moments when I am not thinking about what happened to Larry this past year and right now, I'm glad for that. I still have at least one moment of complete shock every day, like, "did that really happen?" It still seems incredible.
Got into one more film festival...a prestigious one. So that's 3 film fests with 2 films and am working on a piece for a big client. Work has been very good lately. Even the ribbon business is going very well.
OMG, I just burned my dinner.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Aaaawwww FREAK OUT, (c'est chic, le freak)
This week hasn't been so bad. Did you ever start getting what you want and then freak out a little (or a lot) with anxiety? Monday had a very heart felt experience with someone who wanted to share some memories about Larry. I was able to share with him how difficult Larry's end was. Unpleasant memories, but it felt freeing to discuss it. I even got a call from one of Larry's friends who said I was on her mind. She talked about Larry's ego. I forget what brought it up, but it kind of felt good that someone else saw it. We talked about other slightly negative aspects of his personality and it was really freeing because I think people want you to say only good things about your deceased husband. Wednesday I had dinner with people who just made me laugh because they were silly. We even planned a trip to France next June. You know how I love France. Tonight a friend took me out impromptu. We played a little guitar--he's my guitar mentor actually. So three dinners and good times. Someone is throwing me a 50th birthday party. My parents got reservations at a restaurant owned by Top Chef winner Kevin Sbraga. I'm freaking out about my career which seems to be getting bigger and better. I had a meeting with a fairly prestigious client in Princeton where I'm doing a project only I didn't realize how important the project was. I know I can do a great job for them, but it seems that creatively, things are really going my way and there's a part of me that's thinking, "Oh, now I have to really deliver." or, "Now I have to be better than I actually am." I need to just relax into a new level of success. For some reason, not easy for me.
I had a little breakdown over a dead mouse in a trap under the sink that I set about 6 months ago. The mouses eyes were open when I disposed of the mouse and trap. He never saw his death coming and I thought about Larry and how shocking it was for him to realize that we had reached the end. After the holidays, it really was all over. Dead animals in any form really bother me right now although I wouldn't mind getting rid of all the flies that seem to have appeared overnight in my house.
Feeling a tiny bit better than last week physically.
I had a little breakdown over a dead mouse in a trap under the sink that I set about 6 months ago. The mouses eyes were open when I disposed of the mouse and trap. He never saw his death coming and I thought about Larry and how shocking it was for him to realize that we had reached the end. After the holidays, it really was all over. Dead animals in any form really bother me right now although I wouldn't mind getting rid of all the flies that seem to have appeared overnight in my house.
Feeling a tiny bit better than last week physically.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Way Things Are
This is a common theme, you've heard this before from others. When Larry was alive, I wished we were further along financially. I didn't appreciate our house, thought it should be bigger in a more prestigious neighborhood. Now I realize what tremendous ease of living I have here and the house feels extraordinary for a single person. I feel lucky to live here--especially after returning from a shore house with window air conditioning units in two rooms only, no dishwasher, little counter and storage space, no parking and walking up a rickety staircase with many bags of groceries. What was it about being coupled that made me think I was entitled to more? I wanted Larry to want to be more spiritual with me, I wanted him to share my desire to be a philanthropist . I am attempting to have more gratitude for things I have. Since I have had two major tragedies in my life, I realize how things can change on a dime and I am open to things changing for the better--but I don't think that happens without gratitude. Right now, I'm just trying to have gratitude for the simplicity of being happier.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
The Jersey Shore--No Backing Out.
I was on slight vacation since Independence Day. I spent time with my parents in the Poconos. It was my first time there without Larry and I had a small panic attack about how I would relate to my parents without Larry. I wanted to leave the minute I got there. Larry was always a good buffer with my family and the holidays usually centered around what Larry would cook. My Dad felt like finally there was another male person around. It was nice to take Larry aside if a family member was driving me crazy and it was ok because we were a team. It's clear that although my family greatly admires my skills, they think that my boundary setting is odd. That's because they don't have any and so things can get dicey. After the Poconos where my parents live, I went to the shore where my parents rented a place and I was flooded with memories about going there with Larry and how we went there last summer and how little he was able to do and how I tried not to talk about it because it was clear that Larry did not want to talk about his cancer at all. Even three weeks before he died, bedridden, I felt it would be kind to see how he wanted his funeral to go and he got mad at me and didn't want to talk about it. So we hobbled around town ignoring the obvious. My last memory of the shore was a sad memory but I didn't realize it until I got there. My 16-year old niece was visiting from Florida (my deceased brother's daughter) and I was charged with picking up her friend and taking them to the shore. I didn't really want to do this, I have been feeling like maybe I have Lyme's disease because I have been in a LOT of physical pain and it seems to be getting worse. Will get everything checked out, don't worry.
Anyway, didn't want to do a lot of extra running around like going to the grocery store and getting lunch for the girls, getting money out of the bank, taking the teens to get special leave in conditioner so their newly colored hair wouldn't fade, etc, simply because I'm feeling so exhausted but I didn't feel like there was a way out. And this, to me, is the hardest part of grief...that sometimes you commit to things you are not ready for or are not up to and when you realize it, there's no backing out and it makes you afraid to commit to anything.
When we got to the shore (and I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake for the hour drive) we needed to find the rental place which wasn't ready yet, then walk to the beach loaded up with stuff and get beach tags on what was an unbearably hot day. I was getting a blister from flip flops and I was starting to get flooded with the memories of my last time in this town. I asked the girls to walk the quarter mile further for beach tags, gave them money, sat down and just had a big, fat, meltdown. The best part about crying in public is that everybody stays well away from you. I wanted to turn around and go straight home. And for no good reason, I seemed to want to blame my parents. They should have known that I wasn't up to running around for the teenagers. (The teens are lovely and grateful and it wasn't their fault.) At that point a friend called (she always seems to find moments when I'm at my lowest) and talked to me for a bit about my disappointment at feeling so much physical distress. Eventually, I got in the cool ocean water and some of the stress melted away. Then I met up with the same friend who called and who is a very interesting person and we all had a lovely evening in an unlikely restaurant because we ran into a violent storm with filled water glasses flying off of tables and crashing where just moments before people were enjoying an outdoor meal while walking to dinner. The only place that could take us in less than an hour was a very swanky bar so me, my Dad, my niece, her friend and my friend sat down on a black leather couches and chairs and had very delicious bar food.
Anyway, didn't want to do a lot of extra running around like going to the grocery store and getting lunch for the girls, getting money out of the bank, taking the teens to get special leave in conditioner so their newly colored hair wouldn't fade, etc, simply because I'm feeling so exhausted but I didn't feel like there was a way out. And this, to me, is the hardest part of grief...that sometimes you commit to things you are not ready for or are not up to and when you realize it, there's no backing out and it makes you afraid to commit to anything.
When we got to the shore (and I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake for the hour drive) we needed to find the rental place which wasn't ready yet, then walk to the beach loaded up with stuff and get beach tags on what was an unbearably hot day. I was getting a blister from flip flops and I was starting to get flooded with the memories of my last time in this town. I asked the girls to walk the quarter mile further for beach tags, gave them money, sat down and just had a big, fat, meltdown. The best part about crying in public is that everybody stays well away from you. I wanted to turn around and go straight home. And for no good reason, I seemed to want to blame my parents. They should have known that I wasn't up to running around for the teenagers. (The teens are lovely and grateful and it wasn't their fault.) At that point a friend called (she always seems to find moments when I'm at my lowest) and talked to me for a bit about my disappointment at feeling so much physical distress. Eventually, I got in the cool ocean water and some of the stress melted away. Then I met up with the same friend who called and who is a very interesting person and we all had a lovely evening in an unlikely restaurant because we ran into a violent storm with filled water glasses flying off of tables and crashing where just moments before people were enjoying an outdoor meal while walking to dinner. The only place that could take us in less than an hour was a very swanky bar so me, my Dad, my niece, her friend and my friend sat down on a black leather couches and chairs and had very delicious bar food.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Rose d'Anjou and chicken nachos
I have almost everything I would need to make chicken nachos for dinner (notice it is 8:07 pm and I'm just getting around to making dinner because I spent an hour looking for the right kind of motor oil and figuring out how to lift the hood of Larry's car which I'm now driving since Toyota repossessed the car I was driving)
If I had tacos or tortilla chips I could make these. I'm making my own version but tortilla-less tonight wihich is highly disappointing. I'm too lazy at this point to drive a mile to get them.
Larry bought all the wine in the house. Now I am discovering my own favorites. Rose d'Anjou is a wine near to where I went to school in France and where my good friends live and I have so many happy memories and I am drinking it now, celebrating all that I've accomplished this week. It goes well with strong foods like provologne chees
In the mere 8 years we were married, Larry and I went to France 3 times and all to visit my friends. He said that was a big highlight of our marriage for him, I asked him one night at the end to tell me about a happy memory of our marriage.
If I had tacos or tortilla chips I could make these. I'm making my own version but tortilla-less tonight wihich is highly disappointing. I'm too lazy at this point to drive a mile to get them.
Larry bought all the wine in the house. Now I am discovering my own favorites. Rose d'Anjou is a wine near to where I went to school in France and where my good friends live and I have so many happy memories and I am drinking it now, celebrating all that I've accomplished this week. It goes well with strong foods like provologne chees
In the mere 8 years we were married, Larry and I went to France 3 times and all to visit my friends. He said that was a big highlight of our marriage for him, I asked him one night at the end to tell me about a happy memory of our marriage.
Meltdowns and Liftoffs
One odd thing about grief is how malleable emotions can be from one moment to the next. I was in complete despair on Saturday night/Sunday morning because my car shopping experience was not what I wanted it to be, because I feel abandoned by a lot of Larry's friends, and because weekends are just hard because I have time to think about my circumstances and because I just plain miss Larry. He was very good at being a cheerleader for my life.
Now I don't know if it's possible that our loved ones are able to help our careers from beyond, but all of a sudden, I'm getting a lot of recognition for my work in video. I logged onto my computer this am to find this note from a stranger referencing a short video I made.
"Man...I loved, liked and all that jazz this video so much, so
very much that I had to get a new password just to write this. ..Well done Ms Murray and love the music.
Last night I showed a film at the Bryn Mawr Film Institute. It's like an open mic for filmmakers. Again, very high acclaim. (I didn't show the same piece). I guess life is telling me to get busy and make more videos.
If you're reading this and want to know how to help...getting out for an hour on the weekends helps so invite me for dinner or a series you like to watch on television. It doesn't have to be gourmet. I'm not really watching what I eat these days. Also, talking about a memory you have of Larry is helpful. If you're not sure, just check with me if it would be ok to talk about Larry. I might cry but I don't mind crying. The pain is already there, a cry just lets it out. Nobody is talking about Larry and it feels like his memory has disappeared from the world. I know it's because nobody wants to upset me, but to know what he left behind, how he affected people, is a gift. Just think how it feels when people tell you something good about your child.
Friday, June 29, 2012
June's End
June is usually my favorite month and I chose it as the month that Larry and I would get married. This June has left me glad it is almost behind me now. Don't get me wrong, lots of good things happened this month and I have shared them with you. One of the best being that a good samaritan who reads this blog came over to fix things that I blogged about being broken. After most plumbers told me to go out and buy a new toilet before they would come, the friend came, snaked the toilet to find that I had accidentally flushed a toothbrush down the toilet (It's not that gross, I use old ones for cleaning sometimes) So June ends with me saving hundreds of dollars in plumber fees and my beautiful pea green colored toilet saved. That's not sarcasm. I truly love the strange color.
June also ends with the repo man towing my car away today. If you make your payments and jump through all the paperwork hoops to get permission to surrender the car including death certificate and will (really, the will? nobody else made me do that.), Toyota treats you the same as if you had lapsed on your payments. You have 48 hour to surrender the car once they call to arrange pickup or they take it by force when you aren't looking. Way to go, Toyota. Wish they would have explained that.
Larry died at the end of April, May I was still wrapped in a soft cocoon of support and June was about implementing plans and getting on with the task of living however difficult. I passed our first wedding anniversary without Larry. In July I will turn 50. I hope that July the task of living eases up a bit.
Future potential blogs: The Grievies - awards for best support roles and how you can still show support AND why supermarkets are a good place to cry.
June also ends with the repo man towing my car away today. If you make your payments and jump through all the paperwork hoops to get permission to surrender the car including death certificate and will (really, the will? nobody else made me do that.), Toyota treats you the same as if you had lapsed on your payments. You have 48 hour to surrender the car once they call to arrange pickup or they take it by force when you aren't looking. Way to go, Toyota. Wish they would have explained that.
Larry died at the end of April, May I was still wrapped in a soft cocoon of support and June was about implementing plans and getting on with the task of living however difficult. I passed our first wedding anniversary without Larry. In July I will turn 50. I hope that July the task of living eases up a bit.
Future potential blogs: The Grievies - awards for best support roles and how you can still show support AND why supermarkets are a good place to cry.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Looking Up
I'm very excited. I just found out that a film I submitted has been accepted as an official entry in the Lambertville film festival. My film will air twice, outdoors, on the side of a bank at night. It's a puppetry piece I made last year.
Also, yesterday was probably my first pretty decent day where I felt kind of content. I have a summer intern. I've had interns before, but this one is my dream intern. I can hand her something and trust that it's going to be done right. I had another film, a documentary, air at another festival a few weeks ago. Things are looking up. There's more than enough reasons to move on and keep living.
Singing out for the first time July 14.
Also, yesterday was probably my first pretty decent day where I felt kind of content. I have a summer intern. I've had interns before, but this one is my dream intern. I can hand her something and trust that it's going to be done right. I had another film, a documentary, air at another festival a few weeks ago. Things are looking up. There's more than enough reasons to move on and keep living.
Singing out for the first time July 14.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Icebergs
Sometimes I feel frozen from making a decision. I've always been a little plagued by making the "right" decision but the amount of frozen I used to be felt like melting an ice cube and since Larry's passing, I'd say making a decision feels like melting an iceberg. And there's so many decisions to make!
I made the decision to release my leased car and purchase a used one. This took many phone calls and explanations to come to this decision but finally, I am waiting for a call from Toyota for them to arrange a time to pick up the car.
Today some friends started to convince me that maybe Toyota could make me a deal on the current lease or new lease and encouraged me to go to the Toyota dealership. After thinking that I should just lease a new car because there would be less mileage and I would potentially be safer with no surprises, I called my Dad who encouraged me to buy a used car which was what I had intended to do before going to the dealership.
Ultimately, I think that a used car will last me longer for the same amount of money. Leasing a car might affect my credit score which I've worked so hard to build so I think that's my final decision. Iceberg melted for the time being.
Tip: Free credit report is not free...Credit Karma is free.
I hope some other widows find this blog someday and I hope it helps them feel connected.
I made the decision to release my leased car and purchase a used one. This took many phone calls and explanations to come to this decision but finally, I am waiting for a call from Toyota for them to arrange a time to pick up the car.
Today some friends started to convince me that maybe Toyota could make me a deal on the current lease or new lease and encouraged me to go to the Toyota dealership. After thinking that I should just lease a new car because there would be less mileage and I would potentially be safer with no surprises, I called my Dad who encouraged me to buy a used car which was what I had intended to do before going to the dealership.
Ultimately, I think that a used car will last me longer for the same amount of money. Leasing a car might affect my credit score which I've worked so hard to build so I think that's my final decision. Iceberg melted for the time being.
Tip: Free credit report is not free...Credit Karma is free.
I hope some other widows find this blog someday and I hope it helps them feel connected.
Update-Girl Genius at Work
I found an installation video of my Thule bike rack model and discovered the reason why I could not remove the bike rack from the spare tire. Once found, I detached the bike rack and with my new bionic muscles lifted the spare tire and put it back on the car--cover and all. Woo hoo.
Doubly Dead
Something that I did not anticipate is that nobody wants to bring up Larry or talk about him to me. So it's as if he's doubly dead. I even asked his brother Kevin to tell me a story about him and he said, "Oh there's so many." but let the subject drop. I think some people are afraid they will cry as in Kevin's case or are afraid they will make me cry. Crying feels better than stuffing the tears. It is cathartic.
For some, as in most people who I encounter at my workplace, Larry's death is over. It's been two months so they feel I should be moving on which is, of course, ridiculous for anyone who has been through this. It's over for them. I work part-time in a place where the public can come in and hang out in my office space (yes, somewhat annoying at times). Yesterday's public discussion was a story about someone with cancer who died and what happened after that. This discussion was started by someone I know well at work. I wanted to scream, "Hello, don't you know this is painful for me?" I decided to calm down and address it today.
I also broke down crying to one of Larry's good friends asking for him and another of Larry's good friends to visit and telling him how much I missed their presence, but it fell on deaf ears. There will be no visit ever I'm sure. I don't expect to hear much from many of Larry's friends. This is very typical after a tragedy. Certain people come through, certain cannot deal. My dog walking friends will help if I ask but I've gotten the most (physical) help from members of the TV station where I work in the afternoons.
Nothing has broken yet this week. Toilet still broken. This seems crazy, I know, but I don't want to purchase a new toilet because the toilet, sink and shower stall are all a funky shade of green (which I love) and that bathroom doesn't look so great in the first place mostly due to me telling Larry I could install the vinyl floor (badly) and workmen falling through the ceiling (including Larry. We never got it repaired because Larry kept saying he was going to fix it himself. Going to bicycle shop to try to get the tire rack off of the spare tire so that Toyota can come take my car away. Hopefully I can lift the spare tire. I am getting a used car so that I don't have payments anymore.
Still exercising, still playing guitar. Getting exercise DVDs from the library which is actually a great way to preview them. The three things giving me pleasure right now...my dogs, singing and playing music and feeling my muscles get stronger. That's better than no pleasure...Oh, and rearranging stuff to make the house look nice. Four things!!!
For some, as in most people who I encounter at my workplace, Larry's death is over. It's been two months so they feel I should be moving on which is, of course, ridiculous for anyone who has been through this. It's over for them. I work part-time in a place where the public can come in and hang out in my office space (yes, somewhat annoying at times). Yesterday's public discussion was a story about someone with cancer who died and what happened after that. This discussion was started by someone I know well at work. I wanted to scream, "Hello, don't you know this is painful for me?" I decided to calm down and address it today.
I also broke down crying to one of Larry's good friends asking for him and another of Larry's good friends to visit and telling him how much I missed their presence, but it fell on deaf ears. There will be no visit ever I'm sure. I don't expect to hear much from many of Larry's friends. This is very typical after a tragedy. Certain people come through, certain cannot deal. My dog walking friends will help if I ask but I've gotten the most (physical) help from members of the TV station where I work in the afternoons.
Nothing has broken yet this week. Toilet still broken. This seems crazy, I know, but I don't want to purchase a new toilet because the toilet, sink and shower stall are all a funky shade of green (which I love) and that bathroom doesn't look so great in the first place mostly due to me telling Larry I could install the vinyl floor (badly) and workmen falling through the ceiling (including Larry. We never got it repaired because Larry kept saying he was going to fix it himself. Going to bicycle shop to try to get the tire rack off of the spare tire so that Toyota can come take my car away. Hopefully I can lift the spare tire. I am getting a used car so that I don't have payments anymore.
Still exercising, still playing guitar. Getting exercise DVDs from the library which is actually a great way to preview them. The three things giving me pleasure right now...my dogs, singing and playing music and feeling my muscles get stronger. That's better than no pleasure...Oh, and rearranging stuff to make the house look nice. Four things!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tolerating Blandness
I went to a zen meditation last night. After one meditation, there is a lecture. The lecture was about people's tendency to want to chase away the blandness of life. I think that is why it is hard for a lot of people to sit with grief. Grief feels to me like waiting for things to get better than bland. Tonight I made a kale soup for dinner and it was just ok. Nothing to write home about. And I am going to try to be ok with that instead of chasing it with other food that may or may not be tasty. I'm full so... It's really hard for me not to overeat right now. It's where I've always gone to try to get excitement. Hey, I tried to cook a healthy and economical meal and be responsible for my health and my money instead of take out. As I was eating, there's a simple grey bird that is in New Jersey for the summer called the catbird. It sounds like R2D2 from Star Wars, but it ends it's song with something that sounds like, "Larry" (sometimes it sounds like meow--hence the name). Every spring Larry and I (I turned Larry into a birdwatcher when I met him) would wait for "Larry" and one of us would say, "catbird is back". Catbird has been back for quite some time, but caught me off guard tonight and felt bittersweet.
I will forgive myself if I have the last of the blueberry pie later.
I will forgive myself if I have the last of the blueberry pie later.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Things I don't know
Larry's autistic son Jordan stayed over last night. We went to a local open mike where he farted loudly during a poetry reading and then said, "Excuse me" loudly while the poet was reading. He doesn't like to sit with any parent figure at these things so I was far away, pretending that nothing happened.
The visit was challenging in terms of setting boundaries. He had a good time and I guess it was a good sign that I can get outside myself this soon but parts of this visit felt like a battle. For instance, I purchased food for him and he wants to take it with him.
The open mike was actually a little emotional for me. Lots of songs about dying and heaven and relationships ending. I was exhausted early.
Here are the things I don't know...the downstairs toilet is not flushing. I've called two plumbers. One stood me up twice so he's off the list and the other is insisting that I need a new toilet (without seeing it) and I don't trust that info. I guess tomorrow I am calling a third plumber? The toilet's been broken for a week.
Yesterday tried to take the bike rack off of the back of the car because I'm giving up the car but it is far more complicated than I imagined and now a spare tire, nuts and the bike rack are sitting in my driveway. I'm not sure what to do on that one either.
After I took off the spare tire, there is a lit symbol on my dashboard saying that there is not enough air in the tires. I put air in the tires but the thing that reads the air was reading the proper amount and the light is coming on intermittently. Is this related to taking off the spare? I don't know.
I'm super anxious lately. Considering drugs short term. After all, I'm meditating, exercising consistently and taking supplements.
It's just a house and I know that I should be able to say that in my head, but really struggling with the anxiety.
My super hyper dogs walked calmly with a new dog today. That's my success for the day so far.
Sharyn
The visit was challenging in terms of setting boundaries. He had a good time and I guess it was a good sign that I can get outside myself this soon but parts of this visit felt like a battle. For instance, I purchased food for him and he wants to take it with him.
The open mike was actually a little emotional for me. Lots of songs about dying and heaven and relationships ending. I was exhausted early.
Here are the things I don't know...the downstairs toilet is not flushing. I've called two plumbers. One stood me up twice so he's off the list and the other is insisting that I need a new toilet (without seeing it) and I don't trust that info. I guess tomorrow I am calling a third plumber? The toilet's been broken for a week.
Yesterday tried to take the bike rack off of the back of the car because I'm giving up the car but it is far more complicated than I imagined and now a spare tire, nuts and the bike rack are sitting in my driveway. I'm not sure what to do on that one either.
After I took off the spare tire, there is a lit symbol on my dashboard saying that there is not enough air in the tires. I put air in the tires but the thing that reads the air was reading the proper amount and the light is coming on intermittently. Is this related to taking off the spare? I don't know.
I'm super anxious lately. Considering drugs short term. After all, I'm meditating, exercising consistently and taking supplements.
It's just a house and I know that I should be able to say that in my head, but really struggling with the anxiety.
My super hyper dogs walked calmly with a new dog today. That's my success for the day so far.
Sharyn
Friday, June 22, 2012
The things we do for love or fish poop and bio balls
Larry loved his stuff, his property, his land, and I am trying to maintain it. I feel extremely proud each time I figure out how something works or fix something. I fixed a crack on a fiberglass shower stall! I turned off our I have a weekly to do list every day to maintain the interior and exterior of the house. As a result, I am a bit sore all the time and have lots of poison ivy scars. Thursday is pond day. He had these fish that he spoke to as if they were dogs when we were dating and living in PA. It was then that I realized he needed a furrier pet than a fish. And so, for the moment, I cannot get rid of the fish he kept in a lovely rectangular shaped pond in our back yard. Pond day involved getting pretty dirty cleaning four filters filled with slimy green fish poop, hosing them down for about 10 minutes, then attempting to fit the filters back on while digging my hands down into the green fish poop water to have a certain amount of bio balls (they eat the bacteria) strategically placed on the bottom so that everything fits back the way it should.
If that is successful, I then have a rubber ring that needs to be in the right place to get the metal containing strip to fit around the outside. Often this takes numerous tries and possibly opening everything back up, dipping my hand back into fish poop water to reposition bio balls. Sitting on the filter sometimes helps and the clasp that holds it all shut is not for the weak.
Someday perhaps I will be ready to fill in the fishpond with dirt since the whole fishpond cleaning takes about 45 minutes per week, but for now, I am only willing to part with the 15 or so baby comets that were born last summer. Takers?
If that is successful, I then have a rubber ring that needs to be in the right place to get the metal containing strip to fit around the outside. Often this takes numerous tries and possibly opening everything back up, dipping my hand back into fish poop water to reposition bio balls. Sitting on the filter sometimes helps and the clasp that holds it all shut is not for the weak.
Someday perhaps I will be ready to fill in the fishpond with dirt since the whole fishpond cleaning takes about 45 minutes per week, but for now, I am only willing to part with the 15 or so baby comets that were born last summer. Takers?
Poison Ivy
There is so much poison ivy growing. I don't know what Larry did to keep it at bay. I have poison ivy killer that I spray and it's working, but each day I seem to find a new patch. The yard work is overwhelming. Today I felt like selling the house because of it. One of the toilets is broken with Larry's son Jordan coming for the weekend. If you know Jordan, then you know that there should be a working toilet.
How can so many things break all the time?
How can so many things break all the time?
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I'm Calling but Nobody's Listening or Not Enough
Sometimes, I need to write more than once a day. This is one of those days (or nights). I really, really, miss Larry tonight. Here's my ambivalent feelings towards God these days. (I'll call it God, but I'm open to whatever fits for you). I've always thought that I had tuned into higher waves of consciousness so I thought that on very hard days, I could ask Larry for connection and I'd get it right away. I told him before he passed that the easiest way for him to communicate with me was through dreams. I have not had one dream about Larry and I feel resentful towards God about it. I'm in a lot of physical pain, however, and I don't think I'm dreaming much at all.
I thought it would be like this...in dark moments I'd just speak to God and Larry and tell them that I need a sign and I would truly feel their presence. That happened once after his nephews wedding. I was driving home and said aloud, "I know it doesn't work like this but I really need to know that you're ok right now." and there was a billboard in Philadelphia on 95 with a bear holding a tray of cocktails. (Larry's nickname was Bear from me and he loved his liquor). In the moment, I remember sobbing and saying that I was sorry, but it just didn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough, nothing tastes good enough, no fleeting feelings of happiness feel good enough.
My other resentment towards God is that he/she owes me one. Larry's end was pretty horrific. I feel as if I watched my buddy get blown up during the Vietnam War. I am very haunted by images and exchanges during the last 3 months. So I feel like God owes me something great and not all this expense cutting nonsense and dishonest tenants and an executor and lawyer who don't answer my emails. And I know that's possible, but I'm not holding my breath because I know that's not the way it works.
As you can read...difficult night. Back to rehearsing.
I thought it would be like this...in dark moments I'd just speak to God and Larry and tell them that I need a sign and I would truly feel their presence. That happened once after his nephews wedding. I was driving home and said aloud, "I know it doesn't work like this but I really need to know that you're ok right now." and there was a billboard in Philadelphia on 95 with a bear holding a tray of cocktails. (Larry's nickname was Bear from me and he loved his liquor). In the moment, I remember sobbing and saying that I was sorry, but it just didn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough, nothing tastes good enough, no fleeting feelings of happiness feel good enough.
My other resentment towards God is that he/she owes me one. Larry's end was pretty horrific. I feel as if I watched my buddy get blown up during the Vietnam War. I am very haunted by images and exchanges during the last 3 months. So I feel like God owes me something great and not all this expense cutting nonsense and dishonest tenants and an executor and lawyer who don't answer my emails. And I know that's possible, but I'm not holding my breath because I know that's not the way it works.
As you can read...difficult night. Back to rehearsing.
What I Miss Daily, Jordan and No More TV
I miss having coffee together. That was something that went right away with the chemo one year ago. Larry's system was not able to handle coffee. I miss the tea he made me almost nightly. It tastes better when someone else makes it. I miss someone to help with dinner. I miss Larry's levity. He kept me from being a taskmaster. Now, I find myself fighting my drive to keep adding to my to do list. Right this moment, I miss verbally sharing my day with Larry. I can still share my workday with Larry, but nobody answers back or tells me how to handle something or not to worry about X, Y and Z.
Larry's son Jordan is coming this weekend. It was his request. He misses coming here and I guess he feels connected to his Dad this way. Some of the routine has been broken. I asked his Mom if she could pay for his groceries while he is here. Today I reminded him about our visit and that he needs to ask his Mom for money for groceries. Jordan (who has autism) and I spoke on his last visit about how I don't have his Dad's money anymore and Jordan responded, "You mean he took his money with him?" He gets angry about this. He doesn't understand why his Dad would do such a thing. It was kind of heartbreaking and writing this I have a very tight feeling around my heart. I too wonder why Larry would do such a thing, go ahead and die. It's not rational, but I seriously have moments where I think, "Did that just really happen?" and it feels like it happened only to me and I'm alone in it. I'm feeling grief stronger as I type. Tried a grief group -- that group wasn't for me. There's one starting in the fall in Princeton. Seems like it might be a lot better plus it ends after 8 weeks so we all have to move on after that.
Larry's son Jordan is coming this weekend. It was his request. He misses coming here and I guess he feels connected to his Dad this way. Some of the routine has been broken. I asked his Mom if she could pay for his groceries while he is here. Today I reminded him about our visit and that he needs to ask his Mom for money for groceries. Jordan (who has autism) and I spoke on his last visit about how I don't have his Dad's money anymore and Jordan responded, "You mean he took his money with him?" He gets angry about this. He doesn't understand why his Dad would do such a thing. It was kind of heartbreaking and writing this I have a very tight feeling around my heart. I too wonder why Larry would do such a thing, go ahead and die. It's not rational, but I seriously have moments where I think, "Did that just really happen?" and it feels like it happened only to me and I'm alone in it. I'm feeling grief stronger as I type. Tried a grief group -- that group wasn't for me. There's one starting in the fall in Princeton. Seems like it might be a lot better plus it ends after 8 weeks so we all have to move on after that.
I gave up cable TV--actually all tv as I have no antenna. Cutting expenses. I don't miss it at all and this is coming from someone who really LOVED relaxing this way. I have a Roku box and can watch Netflix. No commercials and I play more guitar. I joined my local library. I rented exercise DVDs instead of buying them.
I warned Jordan that I have no tv but thought that we could go to the library and rent a few DVDs.
Things break all the time. This week it was a backed up toilet, rain pipe came loose from the gutter and air conditioner broke in the bedroom. I really feel overwhelmed at times with all that comes with keeping up a house, but I wouldn't want to move either. I thought I might want to move, but I find myself loving the house more and more. It's a really nice house for a single person and the yard is very relaxing when I'm not killing poison ivy or getting it. The to do list is endless and I have moments of great anxiety. The air conditioner got fixed by my neighbor just in the nick of time. Where did that expression come from? Anyone?
S
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Peeves about customer service after your spouses' death
BIG pet peeve. I cannot tell you the amount of people that I deal with over the phone who say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when you explain that you're trying to make a change to your plan or bill because your spouse died. Customer service departments need serious training in this area.
Also, people keep trying to solicit money from you even when you explain that circumstances have changed because your spouse died. Usually, they don't even acknowledge that you just said that, they simply ask for a smaller amount.
Here's the appropriate response. "I'm very sorry for your loss". Now, was that so hard to say?
There is a lack of humanity going on over the phone!
Also, people keep trying to solicit money from you even when you explain that circumstances have changed because your spouse died. Usually, they don't even acknowledge that you just said that, they simply ask for a smaller amount.
Here's the appropriate response. "I'm very sorry for your loss". Now, was that so hard to say?
There is a lack of humanity going on over the phone!
Short N Sweet
I'm very pleased to say that I'm exercising 45 minutes, 6 days a week which is helping me from going totally mad. Singing at the Princeton Arts Council on August 18. I think both of these things are really, really good signs that I'll be ok for someone who just lost their partner. Also, I am NOT crying every single day anymore.
Got lots of anxiety over bills but I have a plan. Anxiety seems to be my biggest problem right now. Thoughts spinning out of control. I have options in that arena. Just mulling them over.
Got lots of anxiety over bills but I have a plan. Anxiety seems to be my biggest problem right now. Thoughts spinning out of control. I have options in that arena. Just mulling them over.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Why you should never die with rental property
Ok, so my biggest problem right now...tenants. Larry thought he could make money by renting his house in Levittown. For some reason, I have never met a good tenant while being Larry's partner. I don't know why...when I rented places with my first husband, we always paid the full amount on time, we were neat and fair. Flash forward May 2012. Without going into a whole lot of detail, Larry's tenants have lied to their own lawyer and they are ripping off a dead man and his two disabled children and getting away with it due to some unusual circumstances. Larry was never very good at discipline and his overly fair treatment of these tenants has turned into a nightmare. On top of all that I need to figure out right now, the last thing I need is a deadbeat tenant. I seriously have revenge fantasies every single day. And if any of you are being judgmental about my anger right now you try loosing a spouse whose end was horrific, trying to figure out how to make ends meet while being ripped off and see if it doesn't put you over the edge. I was even angry with Larry today.
It was not a very good day in the life of this widow. I did have one amazing evening this week that gave me a lot of hope for the future and involved performing (singing and playing) again. Playing out in Princeton August 18.
It was not a very good day in the life of this widow. I did have one amazing evening this week that gave me a lot of hope for the future and involved performing (singing and playing) again. Playing out in Princeton August 18.
Hi,
I'll start from where I am. My husband died last month. He had just turned 59 two days prior. I am 49. I live alone with two dogs. What is hard for me today is that I am making space for a housemate. A housemate that I don't really want but I have bills that I can't pay without that housemate. And so I'm cleaning out the downstairs bathroom closet. It feels good to be clearing clutter. When Larry was alive, he was such a pack rat that I felt like I didn't know where to start. He left so much stuff. Ugghh. Grief experts say that you should go slow, but these grief experts don't acknowledge that you might be in financial circumstances that you have to go fast. It's so strange to come across things that were left as if Larry intended to keep on living. I just came across his summer pool backpack. It had New Yorker magazines in it given to him by a friend at the pool, a book he was reading, flippers and goggles. He loved the pool. Even if I had the money to renew this year, not sure I would. I'm annoyed by the public having fun. I need lots of quiet time and time to cry when I need to. I cry every day and I make sounds like nothing I have ever experienced. But I do think it's absolutely essential to cry and shut yourself off for as long as needed. Otherwise, you skip the grief process and don't heal. I went to a grief group last week. I didn't really feel a strong connection with the other women so I don't think I will be going back. At the end, one of the women said to me, "You never get over it, but it becomes tolerable." Tolerable? Since I'm left behind, I'd like it to be more than tolerable. I have to go on living, not walking zombie-like through life because my husband died. But for right now, it is perfectly ok to be a zombie.
I'll start from where I am. My husband died last month. He had just turned 59 two days prior. I am 49. I live alone with two dogs. What is hard for me today is that I am making space for a housemate. A housemate that I don't really want but I have bills that I can't pay without that housemate. And so I'm cleaning out the downstairs bathroom closet. It feels good to be clearing clutter. When Larry was alive, he was such a pack rat that I felt like I didn't know where to start. He left so much stuff. Ugghh. Grief experts say that you should go slow, but these grief experts don't acknowledge that you might be in financial circumstances that you have to go fast. It's so strange to come across things that were left as if Larry intended to keep on living. I just came across his summer pool backpack. It had New Yorker magazines in it given to him by a friend at the pool, a book he was reading, flippers and goggles. He loved the pool. Even if I had the money to renew this year, not sure I would. I'm annoyed by the public having fun. I need lots of quiet time and time to cry when I need to. I cry every day and I make sounds like nothing I have ever experienced. But I do think it's absolutely essential to cry and shut yourself off for as long as needed. Otherwise, you skip the grief process and don't heal. I went to a grief group last week. I didn't really feel a strong connection with the other women so I don't think I will be going back. At the end, one of the women said to me, "You never get over it, but it becomes tolerable." Tolerable? Since I'm left behind, I'd like it to be more than tolerable. I have to go on living, not walking zombie-like through life because my husband died. But for right now, it is perfectly ok to be a zombie.
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