Today, I saw a friend. Her Mom had recently passed. I asked her how her week was for her (because when you're grieving, you can't answer the question how are you because you're all over the place). Her eyes welled up with tears and we agreed to go outside and talk. When we did, we were followed by a woman who we did not know. My friend started to tell me how much she missed her Mom and how things feel out of control. Emotions I can very much relate to. She wanted her Mom to see her graduate college which for this friend was a huge achievement in her life. The stranger said to both of us, "but she'll be there." Perhaps yes, but here's what happens to me when somebody says that to me. It pushes away the grief. what I hear is, "I do not honor what you are feeling, I can't handle it"
The truth is, my friend missed her Mom. She wanted her to see her graduate. I wanted to spend my 50th birthday party with Larry. Honoring disappointing moments helps me move through the grief.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Two Years, Progress & Pain
I wish there was some kind of social mechanism in place for widows where, around the anniversary of your spouse's death, friends came to your house and spent time with you, played board games on rainy eves or took you out as a nice distraction. Maybe even pulled out a few pics and stories of your spouse. A mechanism where people took the time to share your grief but not wallow in it.
Around this time of year, I am haunted by visual and verbal memories of the end of Larry's life. It was not an easy end. There are so many equally bad memories that I can't even share one. I've been through death before and it was different. Larry dealt with it by being in denial. I am not judging him, I don't know what I'd do in his shoes, and perhaps he lived longer because of it, but what it did was create an elephant in the room. Decisions had to be made and because none were made, things were left things pretty messy. April 23 will be the second anniversary of Larry's death I am still dealing with lawyers and paperwork and I'm not even the executor.
I am still bitter about most of his friends disappearing from my life. Bitter about Larry appointing his a friend as executor, about the venom that sprouted from his daughter post fire (quite common yet she was uncommonly hurtful), bitter about people who say insensitive things and yet all this is a normal widow's experience apparently and it helps to know this.
People do not look at me and say, "poor Sharyn". They see that I've made some great choices, that I have a good head on my shoulders, they see my strength, see me taking steps to reclaim my life and spirit. I have gratitude for my strength, gratitude for the people who have been helpful, gratitude that I have the skills to have several jobs. I would prefer to be perceived this way but I think most people don't understand how long a loss of this magnitude lasts. I feel like I'm seven years old. The losses made me feel vulnerable enough but the aftershock of nasty lawyers, townships, Larry's daughter, Larry's friends and your standard workplace dramas continue to make me feel unsafe. People are not handling me with kid gloves anymore because I've done a good job appearing like I'm fine now.
The way that I am employed (several jobs to make ends meet) makes it hard to have a social life. One of my jobs is a little lonely, then I go home to an empty house where I used to have two dogs and husband to greet me and make me feel safe in the world. The losses still hurt like hell. There's positive change, but there's also anxiety associated with any change.
In a week and a half, I will be scattering Larry's ashes. Of course, they are hand made ashes because I lost his ashes in the fire. I took some notebooks that a friend gave me back after the fire and burned them on the grill. I think Larry would like the fact that there was some cooking involved in creating fake ashes.
Around this time of year, I am haunted by visual and verbal memories of the end of Larry's life. It was not an easy end. There are so many equally bad memories that I can't even share one. I've been through death before and it was different. Larry dealt with it by being in denial. I am not judging him, I don't know what I'd do in his shoes, and perhaps he lived longer because of it, but what it did was create an elephant in the room. Decisions had to be made and because none were made, things were left things pretty messy. April 23 will be the second anniversary of Larry's death I am still dealing with lawyers and paperwork and I'm not even the executor.
I am still bitter about most of his friends disappearing from my life. Bitter about Larry appointing his a friend as executor, about the venom that sprouted from his daughter post fire (quite common yet she was uncommonly hurtful), bitter about people who say insensitive things and yet all this is a normal widow's experience apparently and it helps to know this.
People do not look at me and say, "poor Sharyn". They see that I've made some great choices, that I have a good head on my shoulders, they see my strength, see me taking steps to reclaim my life and spirit. I have gratitude for my strength, gratitude for the people who have been helpful, gratitude that I have the skills to have several jobs. I would prefer to be perceived this way but I think most people don't understand how long a loss of this magnitude lasts. I feel like I'm seven years old. The losses made me feel vulnerable enough but the aftershock of nasty lawyers, townships, Larry's daughter, Larry's friends and your standard workplace dramas continue to make me feel unsafe. People are not handling me with kid gloves anymore because I've done a good job appearing like I'm fine now.
The way that I am employed (several jobs to make ends meet) makes it hard to have a social life. One of my jobs is a little lonely, then I go home to an empty house where I used to have two dogs and husband to greet me and make me feel safe in the world. The losses still hurt like hell. There's positive change, but there's also anxiety associated with any change.
In a week and a half, I will be scattering Larry's ashes. Of course, they are hand made ashes because I lost his ashes in the fire. I took some notebooks that a friend gave me back after the fire and burned them on the grill. I think Larry would like the fact that there was some cooking involved in creating fake ashes.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Attempts to Lighten Up
I keep wanting to say "this is my last post". I want to move on from the grief. I have tried. I have started to date again, made a conscious decision to walk away from suing the township because my physical needs are met (thanks to the kindness of friends and strangers). I live in a beautiful little home and I can pay my bills. I wish that were enough for me.
From January to end of April is my tough time. The anniversary of all of my tragedies…the fire, loosing sweet Montana dog in the fire, my brother's birthday and death, my first divorce, Larry's birthday and Larry's passing. When I write it out, it's no wonder I'm not a bundle of joy right now.
A lot of people have suggested that I start dating again…not necessarily to find true love but just to have some fun. I have to say that it has not been fun but has given me some fun stories. Because I didn't feel comfortable sticking a picture up of my entire body online, I started dieting. This is my last frontier of overindulgence that I just don't want to give up. Food has helped me cope and now I'm out in life emotionally naked. I wish this year were about finding the joy in life again, but it has been more about the discipline of looking at finances, home repairs, and trying to be responsible for the way my fifty year old body feels. I have been so diligent at trying to make changes so that I can enjoy life again, but so far, I have had very little harvest for all the sowing I've done. Sigh.
Larry wanted his ashes scattered (illegally) in two places. Because one place was connected with his children, I gave half the ashes to his daughter a week before the fire. I lost my half in the fire. I found out she kept a handful of his ashes and promised them to me but when I started to email and call for the ashes, things ended very badly between us. She accused me of all kinds of things and requested I never contact the family again. I said my goodbyes to Jordan, Larry's autistic son who I had been having over to my house once a month for an outing. Sadly, I feel that if anything ever happened to Jordan while in my care that at least the daughter would try to sue me. After all that has happened to me, I simply can't afford the liability, emotionally or otherwise.
I'm going to scatter self made ashes from some books that Larry had that were given back to me after the fire. They are books of wine labels that Larry collected. I had some of Larry's things in my office (some beautiful pictures and even one wedding pic). Larry's brother and sister in law gave me some pics too. So ashes will be scattered on his birthday or the anniversary of his passing which are just two days apart. Raise your proverbial glasses and here's hoping that things do lighten up a bit for me so that I can be useful in society again and feel good.
From January to end of April is my tough time. The anniversary of all of my tragedies…the fire, loosing sweet Montana dog in the fire, my brother's birthday and death, my first divorce, Larry's birthday and Larry's passing. When I write it out, it's no wonder I'm not a bundle of joy right now.
A lot of people have suggested that I start dating again…not necessarily to find true love but just to have some fun. I have to say that it has not been fun but has given me some fun stories. Because I didn't feel comfortable sticking a picture up of my entire body online, I started dieting. This is my last frontier of overindulgence that I just don't want to give up. Food has helped me cope and now I'm out in life emotionally naked. I wish this year were about finding the joy in life again, but it has been more about the discipline of looking at finances, home repairs, and trying to be responsible for the way my fifty year old body feels. I have been so diligent at trying to make changes so that I can enjoy life again, but so far, I have had very little harvest for all the sowing I've done. Sigh.
Larry wanted his ashes scattered (illegally) in two places. Because one place was connected with his children, I gave half the ashes to his daughter a week before the fire. I lost my half in the fire. I found out she kept a handful of his ashes and promised them to me but when I started to email and call for the ashes, things ended very badly between us. She accused me of all kinds of things and requested I never contact the family again. I said my goodbyes to Jordan, Larry's autistic son who I had been having over to my house once a month for an outing. Sadly, I feel that if anything ever happened to Jordan while in my care that at least the daughter would try to sue me. After all that has happened to me, I simply can't afford the liability, emotionally or otherwise.
I'm going to scatter self made ashes from some books that Larry had that were given back to me after the fire. They are books of wine labels that Larry collected. I had some of Larry's things in my office (some beautiful pictures and even one wedding pic). Larry's brother and sister in law gave me some pics too. So ashes will be scattered on his birthday or the anniversary of his passing which are just two days apart. Raise your proverbial glasses and here's hoping that things do lighten up a bit for me so that I can be useful in society again and feel good.
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