There was no movement for a long time and now, in a few short days after my last blog, life is speeding ahead in the fast lane for the better and I have a lot of gratitude.
I didn't anticipate that the fire would ruin my ability to get insurance. It stalled the purchase of a new home and at one point I backed out. But things (somewhat) worked out and closing is tomorrow. I say somewhat because the insurance I got is less than ideal and there is a contingency that I need to remove this outdated electrical system called knob and tube. I also need a significant amount of unanticipated work done to the house in order to get better insurance, but despite this dark cloud over the purchase, like a storm, it will pass. I will move in and give the home a lot of love. Oakley will have a yard again and a new dog friend-a one-eyed dog named Joline. The path we will take for morning and evening dog walks is a stunning view of the Delaware River on one side and historical homes on the other. I can walk into town or down to the river. None of these things could happen by in a condo or townhouse where there is no yard and pit bull mixes are not allowed.
Simultaneously, the people who own the building where I work at my afternoon job are locking the doors tomorrow so I am also moving my office today, unexpectedly. Found out two days ago. Although the new space is less than ideal, I am looking forward to the move for several reasons...mostly because I feel the building that I work in should be condemned. The roof leaks extensively and has ruined the floors and I smell mold everywhere. The rain has also caused the walls and ceiling to crumble over the past several years and recently, huge chunks of the ceiling have fallen. Yes, I actually work there and nobody but me seems to have an issue with the environmental problems that may be present.
In the new space, I've been given charge of what colors to paint the space. This is like giving me candy. I enjoy thinking about color much more than the average person. There will be life in the new space instead of going to a place where I feel completely drained by the surroundings alone.
So I am happier simply because there is movement in my life instead of the years of limbo I've been in. (I've known the television station was moving since I accepted the job four years ago.)
My dog Oakley got cast in a production of Oliver in Morrisville, PA. Our journey together has been wonderful. A really difficult dog, she has turned into a great pet because I took the time to try to understand her and I can't believe that she's trained well enough (and wants to please) that I can give her over to a stranger and say, "yep, she'll follow you and sit and stay for you."
It seems that Oliver needs a good singer for the adult chorus so I might be in the production as well. Auditioning Monday and am totally confident about it. And it doesn't matter so much to me if I get it or not, so no big deal. I never really saw myself doing community theater, but this might be fun.
Yes, I just might be having some fun soon.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Feeling small
I've been really feeling the grief over the last couple of days. Larry and I were such outdoor people and I looked forward to kicking back Friday night on our deck (which Larry built) watching fireflies over a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Now, I tend to work. I am hoping to work less and start to cook more and get out into nature more so the nerd in me can identify dragonflies and moths and other flying things...but most of all sing more--three things I know that I love. All of my single friends will agree that there is something lonely about the weekends.
I met up with the three other members of my grief group last week. We're all young, but I'm the baby. One woman mentioned that she felt the vulnerability of a five year old after her husband's death and as if she were just going through the motions of living. I think with the death and the fire I would say I feel three years old. Some days I just feel so raw and vulnerable and small that I want to curl up in ball and never go outside. I feel safe with the only thing left...my dog, who comes running and licks my face whenever I start crying and curls up next to me.
There have been such peculiar situations surrounding my purchase of a house and clean up of the land where my former house stood that I am wiped out physically, emotionally, financially. The sale of the house was on again off again for days due to my inability to get insurance; something I never thought about after the fire. I had to emotionally detach from the situation. I close on Friday but I needed to stop caring about whether or not I got this house in order to just get through it. Looks like it is now happening, but it is hard to be enthusiastic. I hope that I get more enthusiastic as time goes on. It will be nice to open the back door to let Oakley out instead of needing to walk her the minute I get up because my back yard is a parking lot.
The rug still feels like it has been pulled out from under me and I wonder how long it will take to feel normal again. I felt stronger than I anticipated after Larry passed and shocked at how the aftermath of the fire has left me reeling. Most people feel my strength, but it would be helpful to hear just what people are seeing...is that just something people say just to be polite?
I met up with the three other members of my grief group last week. We're all young, but I'm the baby. One woman mentioned that she felt the vulnerability of a five year old after her husband's death and as if she were just going through the motions of living. I think with the death and the fire I would say I feel three years old. Some days I just feel so raw and vulnerable and small that I want to curl up in ball and never go outside. I feel safe with the only thing left...my dog, who comes running and licks my face whenever I start crying and curls up next to me.
There have been such peculiar situations surrounding my purchase of a house and clean up of the land where my former house stood that I am wiped out physically, emotionally, financially. The sale of the house was on again off again for days due to my inability to get insurance; something I never thought about after the fire. I had to emotionally detach from the situation. I close on Friday but I needed to stop caring about whether or not I got this house in order to just get through it. Looks like it is now happening, but it is hard to be enthusiastic. I hope that I get more enthusiastic as time goes on. It will be nice to open the back door to let Oakley out instead of needing to walk her the minute I get up because my back yard is a parking lot.
The rug still feels like it has been pulled out from under me and I wonder how long it will take to feel normal again. I felt stronger than I anticipated after Larry passed and shocked at how the aftermath of the fire has left me reeling. Most people feel my strength, but it would be helpful to hear just what people are seeing...is that just something people say just to be polite?
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Complications and Selfish Bitches
I have needed to keep publicly silent for a LONG time for reasons I can't go into and it has not felt good. Thing have shifted, I've taken action that I needed time to reflect on and it feels safe to post a blog entry again. I know...cryptic, right? Sorry.
I feel extremely misunderstood by people lately. Yesterday, a friend of Larry's called me a selfish bitch. Part of me is insulted, another part delighted to know that all vestiges of a teenager and young adult who was extremely meek and mild is gone. Lots of people are upset with me right now and it's hard to hold. What is it about humans that we want to be understood. If I could give that up, I could have more peace around it. Is everyone happy with our role models?...of course not. They were pioneers and risk takers and brave and that's why we love them. The are human and flawed and critiqued and that's ok. So, selfish bitch? I'm ok with it.
It shocks me that almost six months post fire, I do not feel at peace. The more people question and doubt my actions, the more I feel scared, like a cornered animal wanting to lash out. I cannot believe the difference in stress level between Larry's death and the fire. The fire has been far more difficult and more complex to deal with. I still struggle with days where it feels like it would be easier if I didn't exist. And I know that if I just wait long enough, things will get better. There is an intensity and immediacy to things right now.
So let me just share with you one particular situation that I CAN go into detail about. I am at the tail end of purchasing a home--a home that I really love in the kind of town I'd like to be in. I've been dropped from my insurance policy basically because the fire cost them too much. So now I'm on some kind of insurance blacklist and many phone calls and tears later, finally found a company willing to insure me. But because I'm purchasing a historical home, the stipulations for getting the insurance get complicated and they propose is a situation where they will tell me what repairs I have to make and I have 30 days to make them which leaves me wondering how much money I will need to spend in that 30 days...$200 or $200,000? It's a crap shoot. Everything, I'm sure, will work out the way it is supposed to, but this is one of several insane situations resulting from the fire.
So please heed my cautionary tale. Douse all fires, take your fire pits (I would never have one) and chimenias and make sure they are not even remotely in an area where embers could spread. Unplug your appliances after use including toasters. Do not place grills next to wooden fences (that's where the sellers of my house have their grill which I will move within one hour of occupancy if I get the house). Call in the fire department now and ask what part you can take in fire prevention. Your life after a fire will be hell for a while and if your fire affected your neighbors the way mine did, you will feel guilt believe me, regardless of whose fault it was. I would never in a million years believe that life after a fire would be far worse than loosing a spouse, after all, a fire is just stuff, but that's the way it's been for me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I feel extremely misunderstood by people lately. Yesterday, a friend of Larry's called me a selfish bitch. Part of me is insulted, another part delighted to know that all vestiges of a teenager and young adult who was extremely meek and mild is gone. Lots of people are upset with me right now and it's hard to hold. What is it about humans that we want to be understood. If I could give that up, I could have more peace around it. Is everyone happy with our role models?...of course not. They were pioneers and risk takers and brave and that's why we love them. The are human and flawed and critiqued and that's ok. So, selfish bitch? I'm ok with it.
It shocks me that almost six months post fire, I do not feel at peace. The more people question and doubt my actions, the more I feel scared, like a cornered animal wanting to lash out. I cannot believe the difference in stress level between Larry's death and the fire. The fire has been far more difficult and more complex to deal with. I still struggle with days where it feels like it would be easier if I didn't exist. And I know that if I just wait long enough, things will get better. There is an intensity and immediacy to things right now.
So let me just share with you one particular situation that I CAN go into detail about. I am at the tail end of purchasing a home--a home that I really love in the kind of town I'd like to be in. I've been dropped from my insurance policy basically because the fire cost them too much. So now I'm on some kind of insurance blacklist and many phone calls and tears later, finally found a company willing to insure me. But because I'm purchasing a historical home, the stipulations for getting the insurance get complicated and they propose is a situation where they will tell me what repairs I have to make and I have 30 days to make them which leaves me wondering how much money I will need to spend in that 30 days...$200 or $200,000? It's a crap shoot. Everything, I'm sure, will work out the way it is supposed to, but this is one of several insane situations resulting from the fire.
So please heed my cautionary tale. Douse all fires, take your fire pits (I would never have one) and chimenias and make sure they are not even remotely in an area where embers could spread. Unplug your appliances after use including toasters. Do not place grills next to wooden fences (that's where the sellers of my house have their grill which I will move within one hour of occupancy if I get the house). Call in the fire department now and ask what part you can take in fire prevention. Your life after a fire will be hell for a while and if your fire affected your neighbors the way mine did, you will feel guilt believe me, regardless of whose fault it was. I would never in a million years believe that life after a fire would be far worse than loosing a spouse, after all, a fire is just stuff, but that's the way it's been for me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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