Feeling small

I've been really feeling the grief over the last couple of days.   Larry and I were such outdoor people and  I looked forward to kicking back Friday night on our deck (which Larry built) watching fireflies over a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.  Now, I tend to work.  I am hoping to work less and start to cook more and get out into nature more so the nerd in me can identify dragonflies and moths and other flying things...but most of all sing more--three things I know that I love.  All of my single friends will agree that there is something lonely about the weekends.

I met up with the three other members of my grief group last week.  We're all young, but I'm the baby.  One woman mentioned that she felt the vulnerability of a five year old after her husband's death and as if she were just going through the motions of living.  I think with the death and the fire I would say I feel three years old.  Some days I just feel so raw and vulnerable and small that I want to curl up in ball and never go outside.   I feel safe with the only thing left...my dog, who comes running and licks my face whenever I start crying and curls up next to me.

There have been such peculiar situations surrounding my purchase of a house and clean up of the land where my former house stood that I am wiped out physically, emotionally, financially.  The sale of the house was on again off again for days due to my inability to get insurance; something I never thought about after the fire.  I had to emotionally detach from the situation.  I close on Friday but I needed to stop caring about whether or not I got this house in order to just get through it.  Looks like it is now happening, but it is hard to be enthusiastic.  I hope that I get more enthusiastic as time goes on.  It will be nice to open the back door to let Oakley out instead of needing to walk her the minute I get up because my back yard is a parking lot.

The rug still feels like it has been pulled out from under me and I wonder how long it will take to feel normal again.  I felt stronger than I anticipated after Larry passed and shocked at how the aftermath of the fire has left me reeling.  Most people feel my strength, but it would be helpful to hear just what people are seeing...is that just something people say just to be polite?