Wednesday, March 27, 2013

No Place to Call Home.

It is again wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep.  I don't remember the last time I slept soundly for an entire week.  It's been over a year since I slept normally.

I am so angry about the fire now that the dust has settled.  I am angry that it is such a struggle to find a nice place to live and that I can't hold someone legally responsible for no water in the hydrants.  I am angry that I have not been able to take time off of work to just get a few things done.

I found a beautiful, small, manageable modular home.  I was not open to them in the beginning until I saw them.  I picked an eco-company because they made the whole process simple and eco building certainly fits my values.  First call they told me...A...you can't afford us....and B....you need to dig up your foundation and re-pour a foundation based on our unique, steel frame construction.  So dream home #1 was out and although there was some hints of angel groups rebuilding for me,  none of them have come forward.  

So I started looking at houses.  I have fallen in love with one in Morrisville, PA however, as I am crunching numbers, I am suspecting that I'd be right back in the situation I was in pre-fire...working long, long hours just to pay bills.  So although dream house #2 isn't completely out, it isn't completely in either.  I'm frittering my time away this am.  I need to buckle down and get to work on some overdue graphics in these wee morning hours, but who can blame me for some indulgences?  I need life to feel sweet again and it is full of difficult memories and a difficult to do list. Six phone calls and two visits to banks later, I am able to pay off a loan.  You wouldn't think paying somebody would be so difficult.  Only one person at TD bank bothered to say, "I'm so sorry for your losses."  Do I sound bitter?  I am today.  I'm pissed off that I've been through emotional hell and I can't sue.  Larry's death was bearable.  I was coming along.  The fire and loss of Montana and possessions is too much for me.  I am not doing as well.  I am not "coming along"  It is a real struggle for me to concentrate, to help people at either job.  Noise bothers me.  I yell at the dog a lot (condos and Oakley are not compatible).  People having a good time bothers me.  People complaining bothers me.  I am just still very much in grief mode- new grief, different grief.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many sweet moments, they just don't seem to sustain me.  They ARE what is getting me through, however.  A phone call to ask how I am, someone showing up with dinner, my Mom making my bed, friends offering to walk Oakley so that I can catch my breath.

I feel guilt for complaining.  There are people who have life far worse than me.  I am in a nice condo, I have two jobs that I like, people have shown an outpouring of support.  You're just hearing a worn out person.

I am starting to have some good days and am anxious for the time when I'll have more than two good days in a row.  I do love spring and it seems to be coming.  Maybe then.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Happy Ending

It is the day before a big benefit for me.  I just received a very good massage that was donated to me.  I should be happy.  I am not.  I am trying to get my video equipment to function the way I need because I am way behind on my freelance work.   Right now, I want the luxury of watching mindless tv.   Instead, my editing software is crashing and the dog still needs walking and emails still need replied to.    

I had my heart set on rebuilding with this particular green modular company.  There are many obstacles and I don't think they can all be overcome.  I need to start from scratch thinking about a place to live but I'd like to at least have made up my mind on a direction.

I want to go out to find a good snack to make up for the horrible dinner that I made myself.  I so badly want a happy ending to three difficult years.    I guess a little desperation is normal under the circumstances.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Rebuild

Every day, emotions about the fire are so tumultuous that I can't even sort out where to begin.  For example, I was all set to find a house in Lambertville; a town where I've always wanted to live. Then I looked at property taxes and the houses in my price range all have 1 bathroom (not great for resale or your guest) so I then decided that the ease of a condo would be good, only, I found out through my dog rescue friends that condo associations sometimes change their minds about whether they want your pitbull.  On top of it, I'm in a condo now and it's challenging for Oakley with everyone coming and going and lots of noises to bark at and my view is a parking lot.  The place where I am living is corporate housing and a friend who has lived in plenty of places like this told me I would get tired of it quickly.  I am.  I can't really open my blinds facing a parking lot and I miss having a view.  Which leads me to my next decision.  Rebuilding.  I can afford a modular home.  When it was first suggested, I thought they were ugly, but I found a company that builds beautiful, green homes and I am going to go with one of those.  I'm actually excited.  I can keep my dog (and adopt another) The look of the home is very artistic with very clean lines, very modern looking and the company takes a lot of the headache out of rebuilding.  The home even comes with appliances.

In addition, the neighbors' support has been so heartwarming and I realize that most people are looking have emotional attachment.

And to top off all the good stuff, the icing on the cake is that a microbrewery is moving to Ewing. You do know what follows?  Farm to table restaurants!


Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Commonalities of Tragedy

After the fire, I was wrapped in a cocoon of understanding and sympathy for about two weeks.  It is now a month and a week after my house fire.  Things feel very complicated.  I haven't had much time to recover from the fire and am trying to squeeze in buying things like plastic food containers so I make my lunch in a bowl and cover it with saran wrap right now.  That's just one little inconvenience.  There are a plethora of inconveniences.  I toy with taking some time off of work, but I can't really abandon my freelance business or even put it aside.  Not sure what to do.  Want to hide from the world for a while but my life is not set up that way. I did not answer the phone yesterday when certain people who push my buttons called.  That was the best form of hiding I could muster.

I've been through four tragedies - my brother 13 years ago, my husband, my dog Montana in the fire, and a total house fire.  What they have in common is that people you don't expect to come through do, some people you thought were your friends abandon you, and it takes longer than you want it to to recover.

So there continues to be wonderful, heartwarming actions such as councilwoman Jennifer Keyes planning a benefit for me despite the fact that I filed a lawsuit with the town.

 I continue to be hurt by Larry's best friend who I have not seen since the funeral.  The background is that one day shortly after the funeral, I called him in tears saying that I missed him being at the house and asked him to just spend time with me.  There was dead silence on the other end of the phone.  I have never seen him.  Despite an email after the fire saying, "OMG, what can we do to get you up and running?" I have never even received a phone call from him..oh, excuse me, one just after the funeral.  I decided to suck it up because of the upcoming benefit on March 13.  We were in Larry's band together and the opportunity to play together was obvious.  Band mate Jeff and I invited him to play at the benefit via email.  No response.  So now I feel doubly hurt about this.  It's probably not about me, in fact, I wonder what is wrong with the man that he seems to have so little compassion for me, but it continues to feel so very personal.

Montana is on my mind this morning.  I used to make the dogs do tricks for their food.  Montana and Oakley are both part pit bull, they need to know that I'm in charge and they are not.  Any incident with a pit bull could mean forced euthanasia and making dogs work for their food puts me in charge and minimizes risk of them biting anyone.  Montana's tricks were done with such silly enthusiasm.  I miss her silly energy.  I miss Montana so much that I need to take a moment right now.

I usually read over these blogs to edit them and I just don't have the energy right now.