Joanne's House

Well, things are quite different and something totally bizarre and tragic has happened.  About a week ago, I had a friend over, we had a fire in the outdoor fireplace.  The wind picked up the embers and blew them under the deck where a fire started while I was sleeping.   I lost my entire house and one of my beloved dogs.  To make the story even a little stranger, there was no water pressure in any of the hydrants in my neighborhood so when the fire department finally got water 1/2 hour later, they had to save the two houses next to mine and let mine burn completely to the ground.  Oh yes, this actually happened.

There's been an outpouring of community support and of course, my life is extremely busy trying to get my life back to normal.  There is only one thing left that is the same as before Larry died.  My second  job.

Right now I'm living at friends of my parents who are away so Oakley and I are guarding their house. In a few weeks I will move into a townhouse in Princeton Junction for nine months.  My needs now will be different than my needs in a few weeks which will be different when I have to move out of the townhouse and get my own place.  Which leads me to Joann's house.

I spoke with the mayor of our town who was fairly unsympathetic  The fire department offered space to store furniture and offered to try to find Larry's ashes.  Oh yes, those are gone too.  The same day, a woman with whom I have a casual working relationship invited me to her house to see if I could use some of her furniture so I said sure.

Her style was really similar to the kind I like, the house felt energetic and cottage-like with a hand-made charm.  I loved almost every piece she offered.  I was kind of shocked at how easy it was to settle down in her home, let her whip up a simple dinner and share thoughts.  But she reads this blog and the few who read it really like it and I realized that she knows some pretty intimate stuff about me that helped her be comfortable with who I am.  The goal of this blog was to help other widows and widowers, but like the fire creating a clean slate, life is taking unexpected twists and turns and I'm so happy that I have a place to voice the good, the bad and the ugly.  

The one strange thing is that Larry's death left me feeling abandoned.  The fire is completely the opposite.  The neighborhood children canvassed for funds for me in the bitter cold last week, complete strangers give me funds on my online go fund me page.   Life feels unsettling, but I feel more connected to humans since the fire.    

Remains

I need to get this out in writing.  This event has been on my mind and troubling me and I feel a bit paralyzed and sad. 

My step daughter came to see me for the first time since Larry's funeral.  It's been a strained relationship at times and she blew off visits five times before so I made her commit to a specific time and she showed.  It was a good visit and somewhat healing--some things were explained.  Part of her visit was to get half of Larry's ashes.  That was my promise to her.    That container has sat in the living room since the funeral.  I unceremoniously poured what was my husband's body into a Ziploc bag over the kitchen sink.  There were fragments of bone like I had been warned.  I have been overeating a lot.  Food is comforting.  I didn't think this event would affect me so much, but that night I ate anything that wasn't nailed down. I feel miserable about my weight gain, but stopping feels insurmountable.