Sunday, November 18, 2012

Purpose is Saving Me

The holidays are coming and I feel just plain crummy; physically and mentally.  It feels like I am going backwards in grief.  I have a lot of sob moments right now although I have taken steps to take care of myself and try to get some of my needs met.    There is one aspect of my life where I know I am truly blessed.  As others in my grief group repeat the sentiment that they feel lost and don't understand why they are left here on earth, I know perfectly well what I was put on earth to do and that is to produce educational children's videos. It feels a little unsafe to share this with the rest of my grief group, but, in fact, I have been working towards this goal for the past 15 years, perhaps longer.  There could be no greater time than now to produce Sesame Street for the environment and the final part of the puzzle presented itself in the form of a troupe of puppeteers I got to know through a class. And so we are building puppet, writing storyboards, scheduling rehearsals etc and I am the human who gets to be in charge of this which is awesome.

I met with the grief group tonight and it just helped to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and the craziness of life after your loved one dies.  It has almost been 7 months now but it feels as fresh as yesterday.  The advent of the  holiday season approaching is triggering me even more.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

All Shook Up

It has been one heck of a week and most of it has been today.

I've been frustrated with a pain in my back that has been going on for 9 months.  I'm finally getting physical therapy, but there have been lots of setbacks and today I felt as if this is it, it's never going to end.  I have some other minor physical things going on too, but it all adds up to feeling old and tired and truly worried that physically, this is as good as it's going to get.  I even hurt sitting.  I honestly feel like it's just anxiety but I can't seem to quell the anxiety.

Yesterday I went to town hall to ask about a late payment on a sewer bill that I didn't understand.  They were incredibly not compassionate which lead to me screaming things at them in the hallway which reverberated throughout the municipal building. 

I had an incident today at work which left me feeling very used and I was driving home trying to decide what to do about it and clearly bothered by it.

I have a neighbor who is pretty nosy and sometimes the minute I open my car door, there he is, even late at night.  That was the case tonight.  Internally I was rolling my eyes at being accosted yet again by Bob when   he said the police just left my house.  Apparently, two men saw packages on the side of my house and walked away with them.  My neighbor heard my dogs bark and happened to look out the window to see them walking down my driveway so he tackled the one with the larger package, dialed 911 and he got away.  Luckily for me it was dog food and dog medicine and not my expensive video camera which came last week.

I'm a little shook up by this....wondering if this was a crime of opportunity or not.  Regardless they know the white car in the driveway means nobody is home.

This week has left me completely emotionally wiped out.   

Friday, November 9, 2012

He's Everywhere

I wish I could say that life is returning to normal, but with the holidays approaching, it feels like Larry is everywhere but not in a good way.  Take my trip to Maine to visit Larry's brother and sister-in-law.  The trip itself was lovely and so were they, but I decided to do something I don't seem to have time to do at home--that is shop--at the nearby LL Bean flagship store.  Upon entering, there was a huge display of the gift I got for Larry each Christmas--slippers.  Larry was into Walmart everything and I upgraded him to LL Bean "Wicked Good" Slippers.  He really adored his slippers and nicknamed them Moose and Squirrel.   So my shopping start made me sad as well as my shopping end when they mentioned the "ship to" address I used so that Larry would not discover his Christmas presents. 

Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing.  I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast.  The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time.  I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it.  I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him).  I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages. 

One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping.  Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him.  I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights. 

Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year.  I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me.  I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them. 

I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress.  I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on.  The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high.  Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that.  The other part is that I'm an anxious person.  Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow.  Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.