He's Everywhere

I wish I could say that life is returning to normal, but with the holidays approaching, it feels like Larry is everywhere but not in a good way.  Take my trip to Maine to visit Larry's brother and sister-in-law.  The trip itself was lovely and so were they, but I decided to do something I don't seem to have time to do at home--that is shop--at the nearby LL Bean flagship store.  Upon entering, there was a huge display of the gift I got for Larry each Christmas--slippers.  Larry was into Walmart everything and I upgraded him to LL Bean "Wicked Good" Slippers.  He really adored his slippers and nicknamed them Moose and Squirrel.   So my shopping start made me sad as well as my shopping end when they mentioned the "ship to" address I used so that Larry would not discover his Christmas presents. 

Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing.  I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast.  The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time.  I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it.  I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him).  I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages. 

One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping.  Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him.  I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights. 

Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year.  I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me.  I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them. 

I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress.  I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on.  The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high.  Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that.  The other part is that I'm an anxious person.  Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow.  Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.