My doctor gave me an Rx for a forced vacation and it did me a world of good. I was drowning in work. I lost hours of client work from the fire that I had to recreate. I have to recreate a paper trail of my life, passport and past taxes, etc. I have had new client work. Because I'm now in a condo and can't let Oakley out the back door, I have a small challenge of finding a dogwalker if I have to work late or want to go out. So due to my daily grind extreme I lost the will to live for a little while. I've remedied this with the forced vacation and hired a good assistant temporarily. But life has handed me other remedies.
I can't even tell you how excited I am to move to a new home in this quirky, historic town where there are no sad memories of Larry. Yesterday, I got through a critical step of the home buying process. I had to hire a geophysicist to take sonar pictures of the ground to search for an oil tank. Luckily for all, there is no sign of an oil tank ever having been on the property. I joked to my assistant that the geophysicist would find the hidden treasure and that I could split it with the owners. I can't help but wish for a Disney ending and I know someone in France who found medieval coins while renovating their home and they were able to retire. The geophysicist did find an old bottle so God had a little fun with me and my treasure fantasy.
Speaking of France, when Larry died, I asked myself what would make me happy again. Memories of vacations to France visiting my college friends Christine and Thierry are magical. My next vacation to France is booked for September. Christine and Thierry are picking me up from the airport.
There's a whole lot to look forward to and it has shifted in just the past few weeks. Now that I am through all of the milestones of Larry's birthday and holidays and his passing, I feel lighter and I value the time that we were partnered, but I'd like to trade the sad memories for happy memories of Larry, his generosity, how fun he was. My load is finally a little lighter but I won't refuse the Disney ending should it come along.
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Shaky Faith
I am trying to "stay strong" I am struggling to have a will to live some days. Since Larry got diagnosed two years ago, there's been an imbalance of work to fun. I desperately want a Disney ending...Some angel group decides to rebuild an eco house on my property for a price I can afford, donated appliances. I get Oakley a new dog friend. The water company gives me a check to help me buy things for the interior of my new home. I loose the weight I've put on since the fire and then some. I can afford to have a lawn service and house cleaners so that I can concentrate on my clients more and have more fun as an artist.
Support has died down, a video that I've been working on for years is near completion and now that these carrots are over, I need another carrot. I look at houses every weekend and I thought that was going to be fun...not in my price range it's not.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I even wish I could turn it back just far enough that I still had Montana and a backyard for the dogs.
Work is confusing. There's a lot of upheaval and turmoil which I can't go into in this blog. We are moving to a new place on May 1. We're moving from a crumbling building to a building that according to my boss is less than ideal. Excited? No, but at least the walls will not be crumbling and the roof won't be leaking.
I used to believe that miracles happen every day and there has been a lot of incredibly nice things that people have done for me after the fire. But my faith has been shaken. I used to be a big believer in the law of attraction. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, it means that you have a bigger container to hold it all and when the fire first happened, I felt like my belief system had equipped me to handle this. But lately, I'm more of a "life sucks and then you die" kind of gal. Maybe there is no happy ending you just move on.
I'm approaching the one year mark for Larry's birthday and death.
Support has died down, a video that I've been working on for years is near completion and now that these carrots are over, I need another carrot. I look at houses every weekend and I thought that was going to be fun...not in my price range it's not.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I even wish I could turn it back just far enough that I still had Montana and a backyard for the dogs.
Work is confusing. There's a lot of upheaval and turmoil which I can't go into in this blog. We are moving to a new place on May 1. We're moving from a crumbling building to a building that according to my boss is less than ideal. Excited? No, but at least the walls will not be crumbling and the roof won't be leaking.
I used to believe that miracles happen every day and there has been a lot of incredibly nice things that people have done for me after the fire. But my faith has been shaken. I used to be a big believer in the law of attraction. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, it means that you have a bigger container to hold it all and when the fire first happened, I felt like my belief system had equipped me to handle this. But lately, I'm more of a "life sucks and then you die" kind of gal. Maybe there is no happy ending you just move on.
I'm approaching the one year mark for Larry's birthday and death.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
No Place to Call Home.
It is again wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep. I don't remember the last time I slept soundly for an entire week. It's been over a year since I slept normally.
I am so angry about the fire now that the dust has settled. I am angry that it is such a struggle to find a nice place to live and that I can't hold someone legally responsible for no water in the hydrants. I am angry that I have not been able to take time off of work to just get a few things done.
I found a beautiful, small, manageable modular home. I was not open to them in the beginning until I saw them. I picked an eco-company because they made the whole process simple and eco building certainly fits my values. First call they told me...A...you can't afford us....and B....you need to dig up your foundation and re-pour a foundation based on our unique, steel frame construction. So dream home #1 was out and although there was some hints of angel groups rebuilding for me, none of them have come forward.
So I started looking at houses. I have fallen in love with one in Morrisville, PA however, as I am crunching numbers, I am suspecting that I'd be right back in the situation I was in pre-fire...working long, long hours just to pay bills. So although dream house #2 isn't completely out, it isn't completely in either. I'm frittering my time away this am. I need to buckle down and get to work on some overdue graphics in these wee morning hours, but who can blame me for some indulgences? I need life to feel sweet again and it is full of difficult memories and a difficult to do list. Six phone calls and two visits to banks later, I am able to pay off a loan. You wouldn't think paying somebody would be so difficult. Only one person at TD bank bothered to say, "I'm so sorry for your losses." Do I sound bitter? I am today. I'm pissed off that I've been through emotional hell and I can't sue. Larry's death was bearable. I was coming along. The fire and loss of Montana and possessions is too much for me. I am not doing as well. I am not "coming along" It is a real struggle for me to concentrate, to help people at either job. Noise bothers me. I yell at the dog a lot (condos and Oakley are not compatible). People having a good time bothers me. People complaining bothers me. I am just still very much in grief mode- new grief, different grief.
Don't get me wrong, there have been many sweet moments, they just don't seem to sustain me. They ARE what is getting me through, however. A phone call to ask how I am, someone showing up with dinner, my Mom making my bed, friends offering to walk Oakley so that I can catch my breath.
I feel guilt for complaining. There are people who have life far worse than me. I am in a nice condo, I have two jobs that I like, people have shown an outpouring of support. You're just hearing a worn out person.
I am starting to have some good days and am anxious for the time when I'll have more than two good days in a row. I do love spring and it seems to be coming. Maybe then.
I am so angry about the fire now that the dust has settled. I am angry that it is such a struggle to find a nice place to live and that I can't hold someone legally responsible for no water in the hydrants. I am angry that I have not been able to take time off of work to just get a few things done.
I found a beautiful, small, manageable modular home. I was not open to them in the beginning until I saw them. I picked an eco-company because they made the whole process simple and eco building certainly fits my values. First call they told me...A...you can't afford us....and B....you need to dig up your foundation and re-pour a foundation based on our unique, steel frame construction. So dream home #1 was out and although there was some hints of angel groups rebuilding for me, none of them have come forward.
So I started looking at houses. I have fallen in love with one in Morrisville, PA however, as I am crunching numbers, I am suspecting that I'd be right back in the situation I was in pre-fire...working long, long hours just to pay bills. So although dream house #2 isn't completely out, it isn't completely in either. I'm frittering my time away this am. I need to buckle down and get to work on some overdue graphics in these wee morning hours, but who can blame me for some indulgences? I need life to feel sweet again and it is full of difficult memories and a difficult to do list. Six phone calls and two visits to banks later, I am able to pay off a loan. You wouldn't think paying somebody would be so difficult. Only one person at TD bank bothered to say, "I'm so sorry for your losses." Do I sound bitter? I am today. I'm pissed off that I've been through emotional hell and I can't sue. Larry's death was bearable. I was coming along. The fire and loss of Montana and possessions is too much for me. I am not doing as well. I am not "coming along" It is a real struggle for me to concentrate, to help people at either job. Noise bothers me. I yell at the dog a lot (condos and Oakley are not compatible). People having a good time bothers me. People complaining bothers me. I am just still very much in grief mode- new grief, different grief.
Don't get me wrong, there have been many sweet moments, they just don't seem to sustain me. They ARE what is getting me through, however. A phone call to ask how I am, someone showing up with dinner, my Mom making my bed, friends offering to walk Oakley so that I can catch my breath.
I feel guilt for complaining. There are people who have life far worse than me. I am in a nice condo, I have two jobs that I like, people have shown an outpouring of support. You're just hearing a worn out person.
I am starting to have some good days and am anxious for the time when I'll have more than two good days in a row. I do love spring and it seems to be coming. Maybe then.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Remains
I need to get this out in writing. This event has been on my mind and troubling me and I feel a bit paralyzed and sad.
My step daughter came to see me for the first time since Larry's funeral. It's been a strained relationship at times and she blew off visits five times before so I made her commit to a specific time and she showed. It was a good visit and somewhat healing--some things were explained. Part of her visit was to get half of Larry's ashes. That was my promise to her. That container has sat in the living room since the funeral. I unceremoniously poured what was my husband's body into a Ziploc bag over the kitchen sink. There were fragments of bone like I had been warned. I have been overeating a lot. Food is comforting. I didn't think this event would affect me so much, but that night I ate anything that wasn't nailed down. I feel miserable about my weight gain, but stopping feels insurmountable.
My step daughter came to see me for the first time since Larry's funeral. It's been a strained relationship at times and she blew off visits five times before so I made her commit to a specific time and she showed. It was a good visit and somewhat healing--some things were explained. Part of her visit was to get half of Larry's ashes. That was my promise to her. That container has sat in the living room since the funeral. I unceremoniously poured what was my husband's body into a Ziploc bag over the kitchen sink. There were fragments of bone like I had been warned. I have been overeating a lot. Food is comforting. I didn't think this event would affect me so much, but that night I ate anything that wasn't nailed down. I feel miserable about my weight gain, but stopping feels insurmountable.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Strange Juxtaposition
While the world is busy forgetting about Larry, nine months later I am still inundated with daily reminders. I went to a financial place to transfer Larry's retirement funds to my name. The woman at the desk was young and seemingly unmarried. As I have gotten used to, she did not say, "I'm sorry for your loss." but simply went about her business. While closing accounts, and transferring funds, nobody asks about Larry, a man who had a fairly big career here in Princeton and an even bigger personality. To the people that I now interact with, he is just a deceased person. Amongst most people that knew him, they do not mention him for fear of upsetting me. I do not hear from his friends or people who might still hold him dear in their hearts as I still do.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Christmas t-shirt
I have not written in a long, long time. Mostly due to being very inundated with new clients and new things to learn. Sounds good and it mostly is, but the truth is this experience of watching my life partner slip away has left me with lots of vulnerability and anxiety. I feel like I'm 5 years old living in this adult world. I really just want my Mommy but instead, I put on a blazer and pretend that I know how to fix your website or get you more Facebook followers, create a promotional video for your business etc.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I'm gonna spray my pee at you, oh yeah
Well, I bet this one got your attention. I have been going through lots of physical testing and it's been trying. I've had back pain for 6 months and the doctors decided to rule out lots of stuff, some involving pee which, while I was waiting for the urologist to perform this most unpleasant procedure, I was giggling at this most unusual gift I received from a friend who hasn't seen me since Larry died and who wanted to make me feel better.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Handyman
I hired a handyman. For the first time in 2 years I can lock all of my doors. With the pit bulls, it didn't much matter but nobody's going to purchase a home where not all the doors lock.
Also, after going through quite a few medical tests, nothing is seriously wrong with me.
Also, after going through quite a few medical tests, nothing is seriously wrong with me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
When I miss Larry and other musings
I have this rule with myself to never work freelance past 9 pm. First, I get up extremely early to start work and secondly, I have had fatigue-related health issues in the past and this is one way of keeping that from happening again. It is getting increasingly hard to stick to this. When Larry died, I had two main clients. I now have five and I thank the universe for that, but it's got it's challenges.
I started reading this book called Evolution Angel loaned to me by a friend about a ER physician's experiences talking with spirit guides. It kind of explains why people have to die etc. and it has been comforting. These spirits place a great emphasis on good deeds and so I have begun to volunteer 15 minutes per day at the local animal shelter to work with a happy (but slightly obnoxious) little dog named Bunny. She wasn't too interested in my training methods until I brought hotdogs. I also volunteered to help a program I belong to called Suppers which helps me maintain healthy eating.
So here's the opposite of my last post, I am starting with the good and moving on to the bad. I am VERY busy and it is becoming clear to me that my new lifestyle will not support having a house and all that it takes to maintain that house so will definitely be moving out of a house and into townhouse or condo but not for a while - at least another year.
There have been a few moments when I miss having my friend around. The worst (and it really was the moment I felt the MOST sorry for myself since Larry passed) was I have recently needed to have a lot of medical testing done. I went for a CT scan. I was nervous, there was huge drama over my paperwork and precertification number to get the insurance company to cover it, delaying the scan and now having to squeeze me in. I watched an older patient as they wheeled him into the radiology department. The nurses were talking to him, but he was dispondant. I wondered if he had any family looking after him. I wondered who will look after me if I become ill. My parents are older and I have one sibling left (the other died young) who lives across the country and probably would not be too keen on taking care of me. She has always been a bit of a fun-loving gal and not as good at facing tough emotional situations. So stuff went wrong and I'm a needle phobe anyway and the tests I'm having done are to rule out cancer, I asked someone to come along with me but they couldn't and it just felt very lonely. I made it through the scan without much incident (did have to stop them because I was going to faint but I did not!).
The other moment was a storm that hit Tuesday night. I get really nervous about being alone for a natural disaster and having another human in the house just kind of calms me down. Anyway, the storm was really intense for about 15 minutes but then subsided. Branches fell, some large, none hit the house.
The other thing that I miss about Larry is having someone take me out for a good meal. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that one. Saturday I try to cook a fancy meal for myself but it's not the same as being waited on and tasting good food you didn't have to work hard for. I don't know, singles, got any strategies?
I started reading this book called Evolution Angel loaned to me by a friend about a ER physician's experiences talking with spirit guides. It kind of explains why people have to die etc. and it has been comforting. These spirits place a great emphasis on good deeds and so I have begun to volunteer 15 minutes per day at the local animal shelter to work with a happy (but slightly obnoxious) little dog named Bunny. She wasn't too interested in my training methods until I brought hotdogs. I also volunteered to help a program I belong to called Suppers which helps me maintain healthy eating.
So here's the opposite of my last post, I am starting with the good and moving on to the bad. I am VERY busy and it is becoming clear to me that my new lifestyle will not support having a house and all that it takes to maintain that house so will definitely be moving out of a house and into townhouse or condo but not for a while - at least another year.
There have been a few moments when I miss having my friend around. The worst (and it really was the moment I felt the MOST sorry for myself since Larry passed) was I have recently needed to have a lot of medical testing done. I went for a CT scan. I was nervous, there was huge drama over my paperwork and precertification number to get the insurance company to cover it, delaying the scan and now having to squeeze me in. I watched an older patient as they wheeled him into the radiology department. The nurses were talking to him, but he was dispondant. I wondered if he had any family looking after him. I wondered who will look after me if I become ill. My parents are older and I have one sibling left (the other died young) who lives across the country and probably would not be too keen on taking care of me. She has always been a bit of a fun-loving gal and not as good at facing tough emotional situations. So stuff went wrong and I'm a needle phobe anyway and the tests I'm having done are to rule out cancer, I asked someone to come along with me but they couldn't and it just felt very lonely. I made it through the scan without much incident (did have to stop them because I was going to faint but I did not!).
The other moment was a storm that hit Tuesday night. I get really nervous about being alone for a natural disaster and having another human in the house just kind of calms me down. Anyway, the storm was really intense for about 15 minutes but then subsided. Branches fell, some large, none hit the house.
The other thing that I miss about Larry is having someone take me out for a good meal. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that one. Saturday I try to cook a fancy meal for myself but it's not the same as being waited on and tasting good food you didn't have to work hard for. I don't know, singles, got any strategies?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A Week to Recover
I have been frittering time away over the past two days playing an internet game called Jewel Quest. When I play it, I don't have to feel anything and sometimes, that's what I want. Today it's been a little hard to break away from it and I realized when I was able to break away on my long Sunday dog walk in the woods that it's because I am disappointed. Last night I sang and played guitar. First time I sang in a year, first time I played guitar in about 10 years. I wanted it to be an A+ performance. It was more like a B+ performance...very good, showed tremendous potential and everyone encouraged me to keep at it. I wanted to resurface musically like a phoenix from the ashes, I wanted this to be the performance of a lifetime but how can I compare myself to people who are on stage solo all the time? It's not fair for me to compare myself like that and the truth is that I practiced hard and it needs more work and it was good--very good. Realistically, I'm still grieving and that saps your energy. I made this performance mean something big and because of that, I am disappointed. And of course, everyone is a bit down after something they prepared a lot for is over. (A few friends showed up and that was nice.)
I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present. I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them. I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up. Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen.
And so I am not doing the things that need done today. I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but. I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings. If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment. I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes. I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week? I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley. It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog. After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos. Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.
If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok. I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind. I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs. Maybe that was the most important thing to do today.
I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present. I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them. I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up. Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen.
And so I am not doing the things that need done today. I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but. I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings. If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment. I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes. I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week? I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley. It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog. After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos. Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.
If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok. I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind. I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs. Maybe that was the most important thing to do today.
Monday, August 13, 2012
AAA--A Single Gal's Best Friend
You know those people you meet and you wonder how they are getting by with life because they are so not present that they leave their wallet on the counter or loose their keys or LOCK THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING AND THEIR POCKETBOOK INSIDE? I must confess that I have an artist's temperament and that I fight everyday not to be as spacey as I really am and having lost Larry, I can tell you it is a million times worse than usual. I have lists and charts and timers and reminders to counteract the fact that I have trouble with life's basics, but yes, I locked my dogs in the car with the motor running as well as my pocketbook. But who needs a husband when you have AAA? Every other person has a AAA card on them and a cell phone and all AAA needs is your name and they can look you up. Another non-event thanks to my AAA membership!
So I think I've decided that the yard is a little much for me to maintain from year to year so I'll probably move but not anytime soon. For now I'm actually enjoying parts of being alone. I get a lot of energy from being alone--always have. Parties wear me out. All that small talk is tedious. And my new best friend is Etsy--my source for affordable decorating. Larry loved the ocean (as I do) and so I am transforming the room that he passed away in, into a beautiful nautical-themed room filled with antique prints of starfish and jellyfish, shells on the dresser and several shades of blue. The jury is out right now on whether or not I will rent this room but I cannot imagine sharing space with someone right now. I would be grouchy with even the perfect roommate so it will be my starfish guestroom for now.
Yes, folks, I am having longer and longer periods of time when I forget the awfulness of loosing Larry. Things are good with my career. In fact, a lifelong project is coming to fruition thanks to the graduates of my puppet class. I'll share more on that another time. I'm still a bit incredulous that my carpe diem moment is here. Anyway, my talents are finally being recognized by the world. The day that Larry decided to give up fighting the cancer, at the end of the conversation when there were no more words to be said, I said to Larry, if there's any way for you to help my career from the other side...I trailed off. He emphatically said, "No worries mate" which is what he often referred to me as. I don't know if that's what he is busy doing or if my energy is finally freed up, but I find myself more and more in front of shakers and movers in the town of Princeton and they are saying that I'm very talented in a variety of different things.
The dogs have also been a Godsend. They are silly and happy creatures and I so look forward to coming home to pet them and dote on them. Oakley and I will start our agility classes on Monday. That's what I asked for for my 50th birthday because when I am training her, I do not dwell on the past, I am totally present so that's 8 weeks where I know that one hour a week, I will be pleasantly distracted.
I even cooked for a couple this weekend. I choose a menu I couldn't mess up too badly, but the meal was good and then we all went to see the new Woody Allen movie (yawn, don't bother).
Yes, my friends, grief is easing up a bit.
So I think I've decided that the yard is a little much for me to maintain from year to year so I'll probably move but not anytime soon. For now I'm actually enjoying parts of being alone. I get a lot of energy from being alone--always have. Parties wear me out. All that small talk is tedious. And my new best friend is Etsy--my source for affordable decorating. Larry loved the ocean (as I do) and so I am transforming the room that he passed away in, into a beautiful nautical-themed room filled with antique prints of starfish and jellyfish, shells on the dresser and several shades of blue. The jury is out right now on whether or not I will rent this room but I cannot imagine sharing space with someone right now. I would be grouchy with even the perfect roommate so it will be my starfish guestroom for now.
Yes, folks, I am having longer and longer periods of time when I forget the awfulness of loosing Larry. Things are good with my career. In fact, a lifelong project is coming to fruition thanks to the graduates of my puppet class. I'll share more on that another time. I'm still a bit incredulous that my carpe diem moment is here. Anyway, my talents are finally being recognized by the world. The day that Larry decided to give up fighting the cancer, at the end of the conversation when there were no more words to be said, I said to Larry, if there's any way for you to help my career from the other side...I trailed off. He emphatically said, "No worries mate" which is what he often referred to me as. I don't know if that's what he is busy doing or if my energy is finally freed up, but I find myself more and more in front of shakers and movers in the town of Princeton and they are saying that I'm very talented in a variety of different things.
The dogs have also been a Godsend. They are silly and happy creatures and I so look forward to coming home to pet them and dote on them. Oakley and I will start our agility classes on Monday. That's what I asked for for my 50th birthday because when I am training her, I do not dwell on the past, I am totally present so that's 8 weeks where I know that one hour a week, I will be pleasantly distracted.
I even cooked for a couple this weekend. I choose a menu I couldn't mess up too badly, but the meal was good and then we all went to see the new Woody Allen movie (yawn, don't bother).
Yes, my friends, grief is easing up a bit.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Almost Perfect Day
You may recall how the yanking away of the Toyota Rav 4 I was leasing left me feeling a bit violated. Being forced to drive my dead husband's car left me slightly deflated. Not only because Larry's idea of car maintenance was, buy it, own it, maintain just enough to keep it running, drive it till it falls apart, but also because that car felt like it was going to break down any minute. This past Thursday night, that's just what it did as I was discussing that very subject with my passenger. But what luck, I was with a friend whose girlfriend was following us, I have AAA so towing was free, my Mom was a staying at my house and I had put a down payment on a car one week prior and was one day away from picking it up. What does all this mean? In a nutshell, since I do not own the car, I am not responsible for fixing it and since my Mom was at my house, she was my chauffeur for one day only until I picked up my new (used) car in Bethlehem PA. The ride to the car this morning was a gorgeous one, hill and dale past small farms, and orchards, the kind of New Jersey you hope might really exist. After getting the title for the car (another Rav 4 and I feel so much better feeling that I'm driving around in a safe car), we headed into the town of Bethlehem to a store that my Mom loves (I'm not much of a shopper) but I felt Larry's presence there as if to say, I know you bought a car and I'm celebrating with you so I purchased a fancy schmancy realistic smelling car air freshener--lavender. We had trouble finding a lunch spot but stumbled upon a quirky place called Horns at Lehigh Valley College where the food was organic and delicious and I would gladly return. I drove home stopping at one of the small farms where I picked a pint of raspberries and blackberries and payment was on the honor system with a box placed on the counter. It felt good to be alone and abandoning my standard checklist-of-a-day. Raspberry-stained hands, I got into the car and drove home in lavender-scented blissful solitude.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Still Climbing Uphill
I got a very nice phone call from the mother of a friend yesterday. She was widowed at age 28. Heart attack. It was nice to hear from another widow who clearly understood how much has to be handled, especially that first year but the birthday bask over, I am back to climbing uphill. There are three things I am dealing with in particular right now.
Larry's car does not feel very safe to drive. I have never liked this car. It was mine first. Yesterday the entire electrical panel of the car starting doing strange things and the engine sounded weird. Lights popping on and off on the dashboard. It felt electrical but it was scary. I was on a one lane country road. I feel like I need another car asap and don't want to rush into something. Have an appointment with Honda on Saturday.
My prescription company is not recognizing me as covered. I mentioned that I'm having a lot of pain and have two prescriptions to deal with muscle and tooth pain. I can't pick them up without paying full price due to some kind of glitch with Larry's employer whom I pay to be insured. Spent an hour trying to resolve that last night. Hopefully will be resolved by end of day.
Most disturbing is that the fish pond is leaking water from the pump causing lots of water to be lost. I turned off the pump last night after asking a neighbor if the fish would be ok. Most are. One is dying now. It's hard to watch one of Larry's fish on it's back gasping for oxygen since it takes me back to Larry's final days which were highly disturbing. If fish were warm blooded, I might find the strength to kill the fish, but knowing it is not in pain, I'm just going to let things take their course.
I'm looking forward to connecting with more widows in September to share that trauma in hopes of feeling better about it. I mentioned in a past blog that I went to a grief group in Hamilton and felt judged--like really judged for being divorced and other things too.
Larry's car does not feel very safe to drive. I have never liked this car. It was mine first. Yesterday the entire electrical panel of the car starting doing strange things and the engine sounded weird. Lights popping on and off on the dashboard. It felt electrical but it was scary. I was on a one lane country road. I feel like I need another car asap and don't want to rush into something. Have an appointment with Honda on Saturday.
My prescription company is not recognizing me as covered. I mentioned that I'm having a lot of pain and have two prescriptions to deal with muscle and tooth pain. I can't pick them up without paying full price due to some kind of glitch with Larry's employer whom I pay to be insured. Spent an hour trying to resolve that last night. Hopefully will be resolved by end of day.
Most disturbing is that the fish pond is leaking water from the pump causing lots of water to be lost. I turned off the pump last night after asking a neighbor if the fish would be ok. Most are. One is dying now. It's hard to watch one of Larry's fish on it's back gasping for oxygen since it takes me back to Larry's final days which were highly disturbing. If fish were warm blooded, I might find the strength to kill the fish, but knowing it is not in pain, I'm just going to let things take their course.
I'm looking forward to connecting with more widows in September to share that trauma in hopes of feeling better about it. I mentioned in a past blog that I went to a grief group in Hamilton and felt judged--like really judged for being divorced and other things too.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Post Birthday
My 50th was filled with lots of people showing me how much they love me. It was just what I wanted. A bit low key but at least there were no silly black balloons and over the hill cards. Lovely cards, gifts, flowers and Facebook well wishes abounded. Perhaps the worst of grief is over. May, I think I was still very much in shock, June felt pretty awful and July feels a bit more hopeful. Film fests, my birthday, a visit from my niece and new clients. July is also the month that I have the finances pretty much figured out and the bank is not going to take the house away any time soon so I feel more relaxed.
Speaking of the house, at first I tackled the yard work with the fervor of a 13-year old girl who had just been permitted a Facebook account. The yard and it's tools mysterious teachings were part of a new frontier that I was going to embrace wholeheartedly. That feeling was short lived. Thank God for my parents who help me catch up when I feel like throwing my hands in the air. I have perpetual poison ivy although it's down to a dull annoyance. During July I kept thinking, why do I feel so overwhelmed? I don't think most widows have to deal with all the special things Larry had rigged up. Larry was so proud that he never paid full price on things but what that translates to is that these product and appliances require a PhD to operate them and so were reduced to half price. I have unique and difficult setups for pond filters, garden hoses, a gas fireplace and even the air conditioners on the second floor. All of these things are a bit tricky to operate and then throw in the complications of his will (the Levittown house) and juggling three jobs and there you go. How could anyone not feel somewhat overwhelmed?
I think you can even hear it in the tone of my writing that I feel a little stronger this month except that I seem to have developed some kind of chronic fatigue issues. I don't want to go into great detail on this because I don't particularly want to feed my fear. I have not felt very well for a large majority of my life. Anyway, it has become hard to even walk without pain or drive to work without feeling sleepy so I'm beginning what will probably be a long process of blood work and MRIs tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's a stress induced flare up of Fibromyalgia and am hoping to feel better in a month.
The word meditation came up so often after Larry's death that I finally succumbed and am enjoying a group that meets on Sundays. It's a Zen mediation with a lecture and yesterday's lecture was on giving and receiving. The Zen master mentioned how difficult it is to receive openly. As someone who still feels she has nothing to give back to people, I'd say receiving freely is definitely harder. Sometimes I wonder if God or (insert word of choice here) made me a widow to learn how to receive. I feel some guilt that I have not acknowledged everyone who wished me a happy birthday, or sent me a present, or sent a card to the house but here I am barely able to finish up a client file and cook dinner and blog. It is only 7:40 pm and I feel like I could go to bed already. Tomorrow I will buy thank you cards and divide and conquer.
I have avoided answering the calls on my home machine. I know that one of them is probably from a woman who wants to explore living here part time. It could bring in a little income that could help with the shortfall I have right now and so I need to explore that option but she doesn't seem like a very sympathetic person and has a dog and my Montana is a bit of a loose cannon with other dogs. You can just feel my ambivalence.
I want tons of control in my house right now. I want things how I want them--I don't want anyone doing anything in my house without asking first if they can clean or move something and I'm pretty busy so sometimes leave the kitchen (and other parts of the house) a mess and feel I need that luxury right now.
So that's my wrap up on July a bit early.
Oh, I am singing on Saturday, August 18 at the Arts Council of Princeton. Many people have asked and want to come. I don't have a time yet. It is an open mic which means there are many other performers and I have a 20 minute set but it's just a few dollars - $3 I think and it's the first time I'll be singing in a year. Last time was a benefit for Larry on August 20, 2011. With my new found fatigue, I'm both nervous and regretting my commitment. (Just nerves, don't worry).
Speaking of the house, at first I tackled the yard work with the fervor of a 13-year old girl who had just been permitted a Facebook account. The yard and it's tools mysterious teachings were part of a new frontier that I was going to embrace wholeheartedly. That feeling was short lived. Thank God for my parents who help me catch up when I feel like throwing my hands in the air. I have perpetual poison ivy although it's down to a dull annoyance. During July I kept thinking, why do I feel so overwhelmed? I don't think most widows have to deal with all the special things Larry had rigged up. Larry was so proud that he never paid full price on things but what that translates to is that these product and appliances require a PhD to operate them and so were reduced to half price. I have unique and difficult setups for pond filters, garden hoses, a gas fireplace and even the air conditioners on the second floor. All of these things are a bit tricky to operate and then throw in the complications of his will (the Levittown house) and juggling three jobs and there you go. How could anyone not feel somewhat overwhelmed?
I think you can even hear it in the tone of my writing that I feel a little stronger this month except that I seem to have developed some kind of chronic fatigue issues. I don't want to go into great detail on this because I don't particularly want to feed my fear. I have not felt very well for a large majority of my life. Anyway, it has become hard to even walk without pain or drive to work without feeling sleepy so I'm beginning what will probably be a long process of blood work and MRIs tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's a stress induced flare up of Fibromyalgia and am hoping to feel better in a month.
The word meditation came up so often after Larry's death that I finally succumbed and am enjoying a group that meets on Sundays. It's a Zen mediation with a lecture and yesterday's lecture was on giving and receiving. The Zen master mentioned how difficult it is to receive openly. As someone who still feels she has nothing to give back to people, I'd say receiving freely is definitely harder. Sometimes I wonder if God or (insert word of choice here) made me a widow to learn how to receive. I feel some guilt that I have not acknowledged everyone who wished me a happy birthday, or sent me a present, or sent a card to the house but here I am barely able to finish up a client file and cook dinner and blog. It is only 7:40 pm and I feel like I could go to bed already. Tomorrow I will buy thank you cards and divide and conquer.
 |
| Loose Cannon Montana |
I want tons of control in my house right now. I want things how I want them--I don't want anyone doing anything in my house without asking first if they can clean or move something and I'm pretty busy so sometimes leave the kitchen (and other parts of the house) a mess and feel I need that luxury right now.
So that's my wrap up on July a bit early.
Oh, I am singing on Saturday, August 18 at the Arts Council of Princeton. Many people have asked and want to come. I don't have a time yet. It is an open mic which means there are many other performers and I have a 20 minute set but it's just a few dollars - $3 I think and it's the first time I'll be singing in a year. Last time was a benefit for Larry on August 20, 2011. With my new found fatigue, I'm both nervous and regretting my commitment. (Just nerves, don't worry).
Monday, July 16, 2012
What to Say
Weekends are rough. I have more time to think. I did not want to spend most of my Saturday defrosting Larry's giant old freezer and I thought it would result in having lots of things to eat but most were giant cuts of meat that I can never eat unless I throw a lot of dinner parties. You don't want me to cook for you right now, it's very hit or miss. Speaking of parties, I went to party on Sunday. It was thrown by one of Larry's few friends who hasn't abandoned me. I was nervous and hung with people I had met before. I thought that one of Larry's old friends didn't recognize me but he finally acknowledged me in the kitchen and said, "It's hard to know what to say to you right now." And I realized that most of the feeling that people have abandoned me is due to just not knowing what to say and how true that felt when he said it. I have a friend who was widowed 2 weeks after I was right down the street and I have a hard time knowing what to say to her. So I've been thinking about this and I think the things that are easier to answer are things like, "how was your week" or "describe your day" or "how have things been with your graphic art business? because it doesn't assume that you're awful or good and those two feelings change on a dime these days. Or specifics such as, how did the film festival go in Lambertville?
I wish that I could have happy memories of Larry, but when I see something that reminds me of him (tonight it was cooking oil), it only makes me sad right now. There are more and more moments when I am not thinking about what happened to Larry this past year and right now, I'm glad for that. I still have at least one moment of complete shock every day, like, "did that really happen?" It still seems incredible.
Got into one more film festival...a prestigious one. So that's 3 film fests with 2 films and am working on a piece for a big client. Work has been very good lately. Even the ribbon business is going very well.
OMG, I just burned my dinner.
I wish that I could have happy memories of Larry, but when I see something that reminds me of him (tonight it was cooking oil), it only makes me sad right now. There are more and more moments when I am not thinking about what happened to Larry this past year and right now, I'm glad for that. I still have at least one moment of complete shock every day, like, "did that really happen?" It still seems incredible.
Got into one more film festival...a prestigious one. So that's 3 film fests with 2 films and am working on a piece for a big client. Work has been very good lately. Even the ribbon business is going very well.
OMG, I just burned my dinner.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Aaaawwww FREAK OUT, (c'est chic, le freak)
This week hasn't been so bad. Did you ever start getting what you want and then freak out a little (or a lot) with anxiety? Monday had a very heart felt experience with someone who wanted to share some memories about Larry. I was able to share with him how difficult Larry's end was. Unpleasant memories, but it felt freeing to discuss it. I even got a call from one of Larry's friends who said I was on her mind. She talked about Larry's ego. I forget what brought it up, but it kind of felt good that someone else saw it. We talked about other slightly negative aspects of his personality and it was really freeing because I think people want you to say only good things about your deceased husband. Wednesday I had dinner with people who just made me laugh because they were silly. We even planned a trip to France next June. You know how I love France. Tonight a friend took me out impromptu. We played a little guitar--he's my guitar mentor actually. So three dinners and good times. Someone is throwing me a 50th birthday party. My parents got reservations at a restaurant owned by Top Chef winner Kevin Sbraga. I'm freaking out about my career which seems to be getting bigger and better. I had a meeting with a fairly prestigious client in Princeton where I'm doing a project only I didn't realize how important the project was. I know I can do a great job for them, but it seems that creatively, things are really going my way and there's a part of me that's thinking, "Oh, now I have to really deliver." or, "Now I have to be better than I actually am." I need to just relax into a new level of success. For some reason, not easy for me.
I had a little breakdown over a dead mouse in a trap under the sink that I set about 6 months ago. The mouses eyes were open when I disposed of the mouse and trap. He never saw his death coming and I thought about Larry and how shocking it was for him to realize that we had reached the end. After the holidays, it really was all over. Dead animals in any form really bother me right now although I wouldn't mind getting rid of all the flies that seem to have appeared overnight in my house.
Feeling a tiny bit better than last week physically.
I had a little breakdown over a dead mouse in a trap under the sink that I set about 6 months ago. The mouses eyes were open when I disposed of the mouse and trap. He never saw his death coming and I thought about Larry and how shocking it was for him to realize that we had reached the end. After the holidays, it really was all over. Dead animals in any form really bother me right now although I wouldn't mind getting rid of all the flies that seem to have appeared overnight in my house.
Feeling a tiny bit better than last week physically.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Way Things Are
This is a common theme, you've heard this before from others. When Larry was alive, I wished we were further along financially. I didn't appreciate our house, thought it should be bigger in a more prestigious neighborhood. Now I realize what tremendous ease of living I have here and the house feels extraordinary for a single person. I feel lucky to live here--especially after returning from a shore house with window air conditioning units in two rooms only, no dishwasher, little counter and storage space, no parking and walking up a rickety staircase with many bags of groceries. What was it about being coupled that made me think I was entitled to more? I wanted Larry to want to be more spiritual with me, I wanted him to share my desire to be a philanthropist . I am attempting to have more gratitude for things I have. Since I have had two major tragedies in my life, I realize how things can change on a dime and I am open to things changing for the better--but I don't think that happens without gratitude. Right now, I'm just trying to have gratitude for the simplicity of being happier.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
The Jersey Shore--No Backing Out.
I was on slight vacation since Independence Day. I spent time with my parents in the Poconos. It was my first time there without Larry and I had a small panic attack about how I would relate to my parents without Larry. I wanted to leave the minute I got there. Larry was always a good buffer with my family and the holidays usually centered around what Larry would cook. My Dad felt like finally there was another male person around. It was nice to take Larry aside if a family member was driving me crazy and it was ok because we were a team. It's clear that although my family greatly admires my skills, they think that my boundary setting is odd. That's because they don't have any and so things can get dicey. After the Poconos where my parents live, I went to the shore where my parents rented a place and I was flooded with memories about going there with Larry and how we went there last summer and how little he was able to do and how I tried not to talk about it because it was clear that Larry did not want to talk about his cancer at all. Even three weeks before he died, bedridden, I felt it would be kind to see how he wanted his funeral to go and he got mad at me and didn't want to talk about it. So we hobbled around town ignoring the obvious. My last memory of the shore was a sad memory but I didn't realize it until I got there. My 16-year old niece was visiting from Florida (my deceased brother's daughter) and I was charged with picking up her friend and taking them to the shore. I didn't really want to do this, I have been feeling like maybe I have Lyme's disease because I have been in a LOT of physical pain and it seems to be getting worse. Will get everything checked out, don't worry.
Anyway, didn't want to do a lot of extra running around like going to the grocery store and getting lunch for the girls, getting money out of the bank, taking the teens to get special leave in conditioner so their newly colored hair wouldn't fade, etc, simply because I'm feeling so exhausted but I didn't feel like there was a way out. And this, to me, is the hardest part of grief...that sometimes you commit to things you are not ready for or are not up to and when you realize it, there's no backing out and it makes you afraid to commit to anything.
When we got to the shore (and I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake for the hour drive) we needed to find the rental place which wasn't ready yet, then walk to the beach loaded up with stuff and get beach tags on what was an unbearably hot day. I was getting a blister from flip flops and I was starting to get flooded with the memories of my last time in this town. I asked the girls to walk the quarter mile further for beach tags, gave them money, sat down and just had a big, fat, meltdown. The best part about crying in public is that everybody stays well away from you. I wanted to turn around and go straight home. And for no good reason, I seemed to want to blame my parents. They should have known that I wasn't up to running around for the teenagers. (The teens are lovely and grateful and it wasn't their fault.) At that point a friend called (she always seems to find moments when I'm at my lowest) and talked to me for a bit about my disappointment at feeling so much physical distress. Eventually, I got in the cool ocean water and some of the stress melted away. Then I met up with the same friend who called and who is a very interesting person and we all had a lovely evening in an unlikely restaurant because we ran into a violent storm with filled water glasses flying off of tables and crashing where just moments before people were enjoying an outdoor meal while walking to dinner. The only place that could take us in less than an hour was a very swanky bar so me, my Dad, my niece, her friend and my friend sat down on a black leather couches and chairs and had very delicious bar food.
Anyway, didn't want to do a lot of extra running around like going to the grocery store and getting lunch for the girls, getting money out of the bank, taking the teens to get special leave in conditioner so their newly colored hair wouldn't fade, etc, simply because I'm feeling so exhausted but I didn't feel like there was a way out. And this, to me, is the hardest part of grief...that sometimes you commit to things you are not ready for or are not up to and when you realize it, there's no backing out and it makes you afraid to commit to anything.
When we got to the shore (and I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake for the hour drive) we needed to find the rental place which wasn't ready yet, then walk to the beach loaded up with stuff and get beach tags on what was an unbearably hot day. I was getting a blister from flip flops and I was starting to get flooded with the memories of my last time in this town. I asked the girls to walk the quarter mile further for beach tags, gave them money, sat down and just had a big, fat, meltdown. The best part about crying in public is that everybody stays well away from you. I wanted to turn around and go straight home. And for no good reason, I seemed to want to blame my parents. They should have known that I wasn't up to running around for the teenagers. (The teens are lovely and grateful and it wasn't their fault.) At that point a friend called (she always seems to find moments when I'm at my lowest) and talked to me for a bit about my disappointment at feeling so much physical distress. Eventually, I got in the cool ocean water and some of the stress melted away. Then I met up with the same friend who called and who is a very interesting person and we all had a lovely evening in an unlikely restaurant because we ran into a violent storm with filled water glasses flying off of tables and crashing where just moments before people were enjoying an outdoor meal while walking to dinner. The only place that could take us in less than an hour was a very swanky bar so me, my Dad, my niece, her friend and my friend sat down on a black leather couches and chairs and had very delicious bar food.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Meltdowns and Liftoffs
One odd thing about grief is how malleable emotions can be from one moment to the next. I was in complete despair on Saturday night/Sunday morning because my car shopping experience was not what I wanted it to be, because I feel abandoned by a lot of Larry's friends, and because weekends are just hard because I have time to think about my circumstances and because I just plain miss Larry. He was very good at being a cheerleader for my life.
Now I don't know if it's possible that our loved ones are able to help our careers from beyond, but all of a sudden, I'm getting a lot of recognition for my work in video. I logged onto my computer this am to find this note from a stranger referencing a short video I made.
"Man...I loved, liked and all that jazz this video so much, so
very much that I had to get a new password just to write this. ..Well done Ms Murray and love the music.
Last night I showed a film at the Bryn Mawr Film Institute. It's like an open mic for filmmakers. Again, very high acclaim. (I didn't show the same piece). I guess life is telling me to get busy and make more videos.
If you're reading this and want to know how to help...getting out for an hour on the weekends helps so invite me for dinner or a series you like to watch on television. It doesn't have to be gourmet. I'm not really watching what I eat these days. Also, talking about a memory you have of Larry is helpful. If you're not sure, just check with me if it would be ok to talk about Larry. I might cry but I don't mind crying. The pain is already there, a cry just lets it out. Nobody is talking about Larry and it feels like his memory has disappeared from the world. I know it's because nobody wants to upset me, but to know what he left behind, how he affected people, is a gift. Just think how it feels when people tell you something good about your child.
Friday, June 29, 2012
June's End
June is usually my favorite month and I chose it as the month that Larry and I would get married. This June has left me glad it is almost behind me now. Don't get me wrong, lots of good things happened this month and I have shared them with you. One of the best being that a good samaritan who reads this blog came over to fix things that I blogged about being broken. After most plumbers told me to go out and buy a new toilet before they would come, the friend came, snaked the toilet to find that I had accidentally flushed a toothbrush down the toilet (It's not that gross, I use old ones for cleaning sometimes) So June ends with me saving hundreds of dollars in plumber fees and my beautiful pea green colored toilet saved. That's not sarcasm. I truly love the strange color.
June also ends with the repo man towing my car away today. If you make your payments and jump through all the paperwork hoops to get permission to surrender the car including death certificate and will (really, the will? nobody else made me do that.), Toyota treats you the same as if you had lapsed on your payments. You have 48 hour to surrender the car once they call to arrange pickup or they take it by force when you aren't looking. Way to go, Toyota. Wish they would have explained that.
Larry died at the end of April, May I was still wrapped in a soft cocoon of support and June was about implementing plans and getting on with the task of living however difficult. I passed our first wedding anniversary without Larry. In July I will turn 50. I hope that July the task of living eases up a bit.
Future potential blogs: The Grievies - awards for best support roles and how you can still show support AND why supermarkets are a good place to cry.
June also ends with the repo man towing my car away today. If you make your payments and jump through all the paperwork hoops to get permission to surrender the car including death certificate and will (really, the will? nobody else made me do that.), Toyota treats you the same as if you had lapsed on your payments. You have 48 hour to surrender the car once they call to arrange pickup or they take it by force when you aren't looking. Way to go, Toyota. Wish they would have explained that.
Larry died at the end of April, May I was still wrapped in a soft cocoon of support and June was about implementing plans and getting on with the task of living however difficult. I passed our first wedding anniversary without Larry. In July I will turn 50. I hope that July the task of living eases up a bit.
Future potential blogs: The Grievies - awards for best support roles and how you can still show support AND why supermarkets are a good place to cry.
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