What to Say

Weekends are rough.  I have more time to think.  I did not want to spend most of my Saturday defrosting Larry's giant old freezer and I thought it would result in having lots of things to eat but most were giant cuts of meat that I can never eat unless I throw a lot of dinner parties.  You don't want me to cook for you right now, it's very hit or miss.  Speaking of parties, I went to party on Sunday.  It was thrown by one of Larry's few friends who hasn't abandoned me.  I was nervous and hung with people I had met before.  I thought that one of Larry's old friends didn't recognize me but he finally acknowledged me in the kitchen and said, "It's hard to know what to say to you right now."  And I realized that most of the feeling that people have abandoned me is due to just not knowing what to say and how true that felt when he said it.   I have a friend who was widowed 2 weeks after I was right down the street and I have a hard time knowing what to say to her.  So I've been thinking about this and I think the things that are easier to answer are things like, "how was your week" or "describe your day"  or "how have things been with your graphic art business?  because it doesn't assume that you're awful or good and those two feelings change on a dime these days.  Or specifics such as, how did the film festival go in Lambertville? 

I wish that I could have happy memories of Larry, but when I see something that reminds me of him  (tonight it was cooking oil), it only makes me sad right now.  There are more and more moments when I am not thinking about what happened to Larry this past year and right now, I'm glad for that.  I still have at least one moment of complete shock every day, like, "did that really happen?"  It still seems incredible.

Got into one more film festival...a prestigious one.  So that's 3 film fests with 2 films and am working on a piece for a big client.  Work has been very good lately.  Even the ribbon business is going very well.   

OMG, I just burned my dinner.