This week hasn't been so bad. Did you ever start getting what you want and then freak out a little (or a lot) with anxiety? Monday had a very heart felt experience with someone who wanted to share some memories about Larry. I was able to share with him how difficult Larry's end was. Unpleasant memories, but it felt freeing to discuss it. I even got a call from one of Larry's friends who said I was on her mind. She talked about Larry's ego. I forget what brought it up, but it kind of felt good that someone else saw it. We talked about other slightly negative aspects of his personality and it was really freeing because I think people want you to say only good things about your deceased husband. Wednesday I had dinner with people who just made me laugh because they were silly. We even planned a trip to France next June. You know how I love France. Tonight a friend took me out impromptu. We played a little guitar--he's my guitar mentor actually. So three dinners and good times. Someone is throwing me a 50th birthday party. My parents got reservations at a restaurant owned by Top Chef winner Kevin Sbraga. I'm freaking out about my career which seems to be getting bigger and better. I had a meeting with a fairly prestigious client in Princeton where I'm doing a project only I didn't realize how important the project was. I know I can do a great job for them, but it seems that creatively, things are really going my way and there's a part of me that's thinking, "Oh, now I have to really deliver." or, "Now I have to be better than I actually am." I need to just relax into a new level of success. For some reason, not easy for me.
I had a little breakdown over a dead mouse in a trap under the sink that I set about 6 months ago. The mouses eyes were open when I disposed of the mouse and trap. He never saw his death coming and I thought about Larry and how shocking it was for him to realize that we had reached the end. After the holidays, it really was all over. Dead animals in any form really bother me right now although I wouldn't mind getting rid of all the flies that seem to have appeared overnight in my house.
Feeling a tiny bit better than last week physically.
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