Post Birthday

My 50th was filled with lots of people showing me how much they love me.  It was just what I wanted.  A bit low key but at least there were no silly black balloons and over the hill cards.  Lovely cards, gifts, flowers and Facebook well wishes abounded.   Perhaps the worst of grief is over. May, I think I was still very much in shock, June felt pretty awful and July feels a bit more hopeful.  Film fests, my birthday, a visit from my niece and new clients.  July is also the month that I have the finances pretty much figured out and the bank is not going to take the house away any time soon so I feel more relaxed.

Speaking of the house, at first I tackled the yard work with the fervor of a 13-year old girl who had just been permitted a Facebook account.  The yard and it's tools mysterious teachings were part of a new frontier that I was going to embrace wholeheartedly.  That feeling was short lived.  Thank God for my parents who help me catch up when I feel like throwing my hands in the air.  I have perpetual poison ivy although it's down to a dull annoyance.  During July I kept thinking, why do I feel so overwhelmed?  I don't think most widows have to deal with all the special things Larry had rigged up.  Larry was so proud that he never paid full price on things but what that translates to is that these product and appliances require a PhD to operate them and so were reduced to half price.  I have unique and difficult setups for pond filters, garden hoses, a gas fireplace and even the air conditioners on the second floor.  All of these things are a bit tricky to operate and then throw in the complications of his will (the Levittown house) and juggling three jobs and there you go.  How could anyone not feel somewhat overwhelmed?

I think you can even hear it in the tone of my writing that I feel a little stronger this month except that I seem to have developed some kind of chronic fatigue issues.  I don't want to go into great detail on this because I don't particularly want to feed my fear.  I have not felt very well for a large majority of my life. Anyway, it has become hard to even walk without pain or drive to work without feeling sleepy so I'm beginning what will probably be a long process of blood work and MRIs tomorrow.   I'm fairly certain it's a stress induced flare up of Fibromyalgia and am hoping to feel better in a month. 

The word meditation came up so often after Larry's death that I finally succumbed and am enjoying a group that meets on Sundays.  It's a Zen mediation with a lecture and yesterday's lecture was on giving and receiving.  The Zen master mentioned how difficult it is to receive openly.  As someone who still feels she has nothing to give back to people, I'd say receiving freely is definitely harder.  Sometimes I wonder if God or (insert word of choice here) made me a widow to learn how to receive.  I feel some guilt that I have not acknowledged everyone who wished me a happy birthday, or sent me a present, or sent a card to the house but here I am barely able to finish up a client file and cook dinner and blog.  It is only 7:40 pm and I feel like I could go to bed already.  Tomorrow I will buy thank you cards and divide and conquer.

Loose Cannon Montana

I have avoided answering the calls on my home machine.  I know that one of them is probably from a woman who wants to explore living here part time.  It could bring in a little income that could help with the shortfall I have right now and so I need to explore that option but she doesn't seem like a very sympathetic person and has a dog and my Montana is a bit of a loose cannon with other dogs.  You can just feel my ambivalence. 

 I want tons of control in my house right now.  I want things how I want them--I don't want anyone doing anything in my house without asking first if they can clean or move something and I'm pretty busy so sometimes leave the kitchen (and other parts of the house) a mess and feel I need that luxury right now.    

So that's my wrap up on July a bit early. 

Oh, I am singing on Saturday, August 18 at the Arts Council of Princeton.  Many people have asked and want to come.  I don't have a time yet.  It is an open mic which means there are many other performers and I have a 20 minute set but it's just a few dollars - $3 I think and it's the first time I'll be singing in a year.  Last time was a benefit for Larry on August 20, 2011.  With my new found fatigue, I'm both nervous and regretting my commitment.  (Just nerves, don't worry).