50

It is a few hours before I turn 50 years old and it's been an especially hard week because of that.  I thought that Larry would be able to hang in until I turned 50.  He was planning a party or something (because I'm not a fan of big parties) according to my Mom.  I'm glad he isn't here for my 50th birthday simply because of the state he was in.  I told him many times that it was ok to die and I begged him to die the day that he did.  He couldn't communicate and usually couldn't figure out where I was in the room so wasn't making eye contact with me, I don't think he could see me.  He hadn't eaten for three weeks.

I see a berievement counselor once a month.  She said one of the hardest things for the spouses left behind is that their memories are much like I described above and it's a terrible memory and they just can't stop thinking about it.  In September, I will join a group of young spouses who have lost their spouses.  I think it will do me good.  People are so incredibly insensitive that I'm growing immune to it.  Just yesterday, I was filming someone Larry knew--another chef--and although he did say he was sorry for my loss (a man acknowledging Larry's death--lots of points--most men like to pretend it didn't happen and make no reference to it.), he proceeded to talk with the show host about how many of his friends are starting to die etc, etc. (Hello?  Do you think this conversation might be painful for me?) As more time goes on, more people expect you to be over it.   As I've said before, I feel like I was in the trenches in WWII and I saw my best friend get blown up and watched him die a slow, lingering death.  That's not something you get over in a few months or six months or a year.  I know that it's going to take at least a year to start to feel normal. I do not feel normal right now.

I find myself trying to do things that are normal and halfway through feeling exhausted or like it is too much.  One of my friends says that the Jewish tradition has a list of things widows and widowers are supposed to avoid or not do and a timeline for it.  I wish this list were universal so that people would understand the state I'm in a little better.

That being said, I am having more and more moments of contentment and sometimes even fun. I am watching lots of British period pieces that I wouldn't be able to watch if Larry were around.  Just finished a good one produced in 2004 called North South.  Very Jane Austin-ish.