My doctor gave me an Rx for a forced vacation and it did me a world of good. I was drowning in work. I lost hours of client work from the fire that I had to recreate. I have to recreate a paper trail of my life, passport and past taxes, etc. I have had new client work. Because I'm now in a condo and can't let Oakley out the back door, I have a small challenge of finding a dogwalker if I have to work late or want to go out. So due to my daily grind extreme I lost the will to live for a little while. I've remedied this with the forced vacation and hired a good assistant temporarily. But life has handed me other remedies.
I can't even tell you how excited I am to move to a new home in this quirky, historic town where there are no sad memories of Larry. Yesterday, I got through a critical step of the home buying process. I had to hire a geophysicist to take sonar pictures of the ground to search for an oil tank. Luckily for all, there is no sign of an oil tank ever having been on the property. I joked to my assistant that the geophysicist would find the hidden treasure and that I could split it with the owners. I can't help but wish for a Disney ending and I know someone in France who found medieval coins while renovating their home and they were able to retire. The geophysicist did find an old bottle so God had a little fun with me and my treasure fantasy.
Speaking of France, when Larry died, I asked myself what would make me happy again. Memories of vacations to France visiting my college friends Christine and Thierry are magical. My next vacation to France is booked for September. Christine and Thierry are picking me up from the airport.
There's a whole lot to look forward to and it has shifted in just the past few weeks. Now that I am through all of the milestones of Larry's birthday and holidays and his passing, I feel lighter and I value the time that we were partnered, but I'd like to trade the sad memories for happy memories of Larry, his generosity, how fun he was. My load is finally a little lighter but I won't refuse the Disney ending should it come along.
Showing posts with label fire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fire. Show all posts
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Shaky Faith
I am trying to "stay strong" I am struggling to have a will to live some days. Since Larry got diagnosed two years ago, there's been an imbalance of work to fun. I desperately want a Disney ending...Some angel group decides to rebuild an eco house on my property for a price I can afford, donated appliances. I get Oakley a new dog friend. The water company gives me a check to help me buy things for the interior of my new home. I loose the weight I've put on since the fire and then some. I can afford to have a lawn service and house cleaners so that I can concentrate on my clients more and have more fun as an artist.
Support has died down, a video that I've been working on for years is near completion and now that these carrots are over, I need another carrot. I look at houses every weekend and I thought that was going to be fun...not in my price range it's not.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I even wish I could turn it back just far enough that I still had Montana and a backyard for the dogs.
Work is confusing. There's a lot of upheaval and turmoil which I can't go into in this blog. We are moving to a new place on May 1. We're moving from a crumbling building to a building that according to my boss is less than ideal. Excited? No, but at least the walls will not be crumbling and the roof won't be leaking.
I used to believe that miracles happen every day and there has been a lot of incredibly nice things that people have done for me after the fire. But my faith has been shaken. I used to be a big believer in the law of attraction. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, it means that you have a bigger container to hold it all and when the fire first happened, I felt like my belief system had equipped me to handle this. But lately, I'm more of a "life sucks and then you die" kind of gal. Maybe there is no happy ending you just move on.
I'm approaching the one year mark for Larry's birthday and death.
Support has died down, a video that I've been working on for years is near completion and now that these carrots are over, I need another carrot. I look at houses every weekend and I thought that was going to be fun...not in my price range it's not.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I even wish I could turn it back just far enough that I still had Montana and a backyard for the dogs.
Work is confusing. There's a lot of upheaval and turmoil which I can't go into in this blog. We are moving to a new place on May 1. We're moving from a crumbling building to a building that according to my boss is less than ideal. Excited? No, but at least the walls will not be crumbling and the roof won't be leaking.
I used to believe that miracles happen every day and there has been a lot of incredibly nice things that people have done for me after the fire. But my faith has been shaken. I used to be a big believer in the law of attraction. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, it means that you have a bigger container to hold it all and when the fire first happened, I felt like my belief system had equipped me to handle this. But lately, I'm more of a "life sucks and then you die" kind of gal. Maybe there is no happy ending you just move on.
I'm approaching the one year mark for Larry's birthday and death.
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