I am trying to "stay strong" I am struggling to have a will to live some days. Since Larry got diagnosed two years ago, there's been an imbalance of work to fun. I desperately want a Disney ending...Some angel group decides to rebuild an eco house on my property for a price I can afford, donated appliances. I get Oakley a new dog friend. The water company gives me a check to help me buy things for the interior of my new home. I loose the weight I've put on since the fire and then some. I can afford to have a lawn service and house cleaners so that I can concentrate on my clients more and have more fun as an artist.
Support has died down, a video that I've been working on for years is near completion and now that these carrots are over, I need another carrot. I look at houses every weekend and I thought that was going to be fun...not in my price range it's not.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I even wish I could turn it back just far enough that I still had Montana and a backyard for the dogs.
Work is confusing. There's a lot of upheaval and turmoil which I can't go into in this blog. We are moving to a new place on May 1. We're moving from a crumbling building to a building that according to my boss is less than ideal. Excited? No, but at least the walls will not be crumbling and the roof won't be leaking.
I used to believe that miracles happen every day and there has been a lot of incredibly nice things that people have done for me after the fire. But my faith has been shaken. I used to be a big believer in the law of attraction. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, it means that you have a bigger container to hold it all and when the fire first happened, I felt like my belief system had equipped me to handle this. But lately, I'm more of a "life sucks and then you die" kind of gal. Maybe there is no happy ending you just move on.
I'm approaching the one year mark for Larry's birthday and death.
No comments:
Post a Comment