No Place to Call Home.

It is again wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep.  I don't remember the last time I slept soundly for an entire week.  It's been over a year since I slept normally.

I am so angry about the fire now that the dust has settled.  I am angry that it is such a struggle to find a nice place to live and that I can't hold someone legally responsible for no water in the hydrants.  I am angry that I have not been able to take time off of work to just get a few things done.

I found a beautiful, small, manageable modular home.  I was not open to them in the beginning until I saw them.  I picked an eco-company because they made the whole process simple and eco building certainly fits my values.  First call they told me...A...you can't afford us....and B....you need to dig up your foundation and re-pour a foundation based on our unique, steel frame construction.  So dream home #1 was out and although there was some hints of angel groups rebuilding for me,  none of them have come forward.  

So I started looking at houses.  I have fallen in love with one in Morrisville, PA however, as I am crunching numbers, I am suspecting that I'd be right back in the situation I was in pre-fire...working long, long hours just to pay bills.  So although dream house #2 isn't completely out, it isn't completely in either.  I'm frittering my time away this am.  I need to buckle down and get to work on some overdue graphics in these wee morning hours, but who can blame me for some indulgences?  I need life to feel sweet again and it is full of difficult memories and a difficult to do list. Six phone calls and two visits to banks later, I am able to pay off a loan.  You wouldn't think paying somebody would be so difficult.  Only one person at TD bank bothered to say, "I'm so sorry for your losses."  Do I sound bitter?  I am today.  I'm pissed off that I've been through emotional hell and I can't sue.  Larry's death was bearable.  I was coming along.  The fire and loss of Montana and possessions is too much for me.  I am not doing as well.  I am not "coming along"  It is a real struggle for me to concentrate, to help people at either job.  Noise bothers me.  I yell at the dog a lot (condos and Oakley are not compatible).  People having a good time bothers me.  People complaining bothers me.  I am just still very much in grief mode- new grief, different grief.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many sweet moments, they just don't seem to sustain me.  They ARE what is getting me through, however.  A phone call to ask how I am, someone showing up with dinner, my Mom making my bed, friends offering to walk Oakley so that I can catch my breath.

I feel guilt for complaining.  There are people who have life far worse than me.  I am in a nice condo, I have two jobs that I like, people have shown an outpouring of support.  You're just hearing a worn out person.

I am starting to have some good days and am anxious for the time when I'll have more than two good days in a row.  I do love spring and it seems to be coming.  Maybe then.