I have been frittering time away over the past two days playing an internet game called Jewel Quest. When I play it, I don't have to feel anything and sometimes, that's what I want. Today it's been a little hard to break away from it and I realized when I was able to break away on my long Sunday dog walk in the woods that it's because I am disappointed. Last night I sang and played guitar. First time I sang in a year, first time I played guitar in about 10 years. I wanted it to be an A+ performance. It was more like a B+ performance...very good, showed tremendous potential and everyone encouraged me to keep at it. I wanted to resurface musically like a phoenix from the ashes, I wanted this to be the performance of a lifetime but how can I compare myself to people who are on stage solo all the time? It's not fair for me to compare myself like that and the truth is that I practiced hard and it needs more work and it was good--very good. Realistically, I'm still grieving and that saps your energy. I made this performance mean something big and because of that, I am disappointed. And of course, everyone is a bit down after something they prepared a lot for is over. (A few friends showed up and that was nice.)
I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present. I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them. I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up. Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen.
And so I am not doing the things that need done today. I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but. I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings. If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment. I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes. I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week? I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley. It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog. After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos. Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.
If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok. I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind. I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs. Maybe that was the most important thing to do today.
It was a good start.
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