Disappointed

I haven't blogged for almost one month.  Partly because I have a big video project keeping me busy.  Partly because I haven't known how to say something without hurting feelings.   Sometimes, I think life should be bigger, sweeter, kinder than it is and I've been very disappointed that some people just didn't come through for me in the way that I wanted them to after Larry died--particularly Larry's friends.  I didn't want to blog about it because I was afraid someone would read this and think that I was talking about them personally.  I don't want to make anyone wrong, but I can't deny that I have been feeling disappointed.    We're almost at the 6 month mark and so the world kind of expects you to function as normal and I am still far from normal.  I am better, however, much better.  There are a lot of good things happening.  I've alluded to one of them but wanted to wait until I felt more sure that it was happening.  I made friends with some puppeteers from a class I took and they are going to help me make a 15-year dream of making a "Sesame Street for wildlife" come true. 

You wouldn't expect this, but there's still so much to do to settle everything.  I still have finances to rearrange and transfer and PSE&G wanted to charge me an extra $500 to put the account in my name so I decided I could be Larry for the rest of my life.  (Oh, also, when I went there in person and explained that my husband died, blank stare, no "I'm sorry for your loss".  If there's one thing I'd like people to know from this blog is that it feels so bad when people say nothing and the thing to say that is ALWAYS appropriate is..."I'm sorry for your loss." It's not that hard to say.  One of the people I've been furious at are my neighbors across the street who have never acknowledged that Larry died.  They're not so friendly anyway.  Three weeks after Larry died I ran into the wife at a garden store and she had a big smile on her face and said "Hi".  I don't know why people think that will make me feel better.  It actually made me want to hit people for a while. It feels like there's an elephant in the room that nobody was acknowledging.   How about a neutral, "hi".  It's different now.  It feel ok when people are cheery.  Nobody ever brings up Larry's name except my Mom. 

Still, I feel stronger than I anticipated.  Larry and I always felt that the world didn't really see my talents and suddenly has changed.  It feels like everyone sees what I can contribute.  Feels very good to be happening in conjunction with a giant loss.