I have needed to keep publicly silent for a LONG time for reasons I can't go into and it has not felt good. Thing have shifted, I've taken action that I needed time to reflect on and it feels safe to post a blog entry again. I know...cryptic, right? Sorry.
I feel extremely misunderstood by people lately. Yesterday, a friend of Larry's called me a selfish bitch. Part of me is insulted, another part delighted to know that all vestiges of a teenager and young adult who was extremely meek and mild is gone. Lots of people are upset with me right now and it's hard to hold. What is it about humans that we want to be understood. If I could give that up, I could have more peace around it. Is everyone happy with our role models?...of course not. They were pioneers and risk takers and brave and that's why we love them. The are human and flawed and critiqued and that's ok. So, selfish bitch? I'm ok with it.
It shocks me that almost six months post fire, I do not feel at peace. The more people question and doubt my actions, the more I feel scared, like a cornered animal wanting to lash out. I cannot believe the difference in stress level between Larry's death and the fire. The fire has been far more difficult and more complex to deal with. I still struggle with days where it feels like it would be easier if I didn't exist. And I know that if I just wait long enough, things will get better. There is an intensity and immediacy to things right now.
So let me just share with you one particular situation that I CAN go into detail about. I am at the tail end of purchasing a home--a home that I really love in the kind of town I'd like to be in. I've been dropped from my insurance policy basically because the fire cost them too much. So now I'm on some kind of insurance blacklist and many phone calls and tears later, finally found a company willing to insure me. But because I'm purchasing a historical home, the stipulations for getting the insurance get complicated and they propose is a situation where they will tell me what repairs I have to make and I have 30 days to make them which leaves me wondering how much money I will need to spend in that 30 days...$200 or $200,000? It's a crap shoot. Everything, I'm sure, will work out the way it is supposed to, but this is one of several insane situations resulting from the fire.
So please heed my cautionary tale. Douse all fires, take your fire pits (I would never have one) and chimenias and make sure they are not even remotely in an area where embers could spread. Unplug your appliances after use including toasters. Do not place grills next to wooden fences (that's where the sellers of my house have their grill which I will move within one hour of occupancy if I get the house). Call in the fire department now and ask what part you can take in fire prevention. Your life after a fire will be hell for a while and if your fire affected your neighbors the way mine did, you will feel guilt believe me, regardless of whose fault it was. I would never in a million years believe that life after a fire would be far worse than loosing a spouse, after all, a fire is just stuff, but that's the way it's been for me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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