What I Miss Daily, Jordan and No More TV

I miss having coffee together.  That was something that went right away with the chemo one year ago.  Larry's system was not able to handle coffee.  I miss the tea he made me almost nightly.  It tastes better when someone else makes it.  I miss someone to help with dinner.  I miss Larry's levity.  He kept me from being a taskmaster.  Now, I find myself fighting my drive to keep adding to my to do list.  Right this moment, I miss verbally sharing my day with Larry.  I can still share my workday with Larry, but nobody answers back or tells me how to handle something or not to worry about X, Y and Z.

Larry's son Jordan is coming this weekend.  It was his request.  He misses coming here and I guess he feels connected to his Dad this way.  Some of the routine has been broken.  I asked his Mom if she could pay for his groceries while he is here.  Today I reminded him about our visit and that he needs to ask his Mom for money for groceries.  Jordan (who has autism) and I spoke on his last visit about how I don't have his Dad's money anymore and Jordan responded, "You mean he took his money with him?"  He gets angry about this. He doesn't understand why his Dad would do such a thing.  It was kind of heartbreaking and writing this I have a very tight feeling around my heart.  I too wonder why Larry would do such a thing, go ahead and die. It's not rational, but I seriously have moments where I think, "Did that just really happen?"  and it feels like it happened only to me and I'm alone in it.  I'm feeling grief stronger as I type.  Tried a grief group -- that group wasn't for me.  There's one starting in the fall in Princeton.  Seems like it might be a lot better plus it ends after 8 weeks so we all have to move on after that.  

I gave up cable TV--actually all tv as I have no antenna.  Cutting expenses.  I don't miss it at all and this is coming from someone who really LOVED relaxing this way.  I have a Roku box and can watch Netflix.  No commercials and I play more guitar.  I joined my local library.  I rented exercise DVDs instead of buying them.  

I warned Jordan that I have no tv but thought that we could go to the library and rent a few  DVDs.  

Things break all the time.  This week it was a backed up toilet, rain pipe came loose from the gutter and air conditioner broke in the bedroom.  I really feel overwhelmed at times with all that comes with keeping up a house, but I wouldn't want to move either.  I thought I might want to move, but I find myself loving the house more and more.  It's a really nice house for a single person and the yard is very relaxing when I'm not killing poison ivy or getting it.  The to do list is endless and I have moments of great anxiety.  The air conditioner got fixed by my neighbor just in the nick of time.  Where did that expression come from?  Anyone?  

S