I'm Calling but Nobody's Listening or Not Enough

Sometimes, I need to write more than once a day.  This is one of those days (or nights).  I really, really, miss Larry tonight.  Here's my ambivalent feelings towards God these days.  (I'll call it God, but I'm open to whatever fits for you).  I've always thought that I had tuned into higher waves of consciousness so I thought that on very hard days, I could ask Larry for connection and I'd get it right away.  I told him before he passed that the easiest way for him to communicate with me was through dreams.  I have not had one dream about Larry and I feel resentful towards God about it.  I'm in a lot of physical pain, however, and I don't think I'm dreaming much at all. 

I thought it would be like this...in dark moments I'd just speak to God and Larry and tell them that I need a sign and I would truly feel their presence.  That happened once after his nephews wedding.  I was driving home and said aloud, "I know it doesn't work like this but I really need to know that you're ok right now." and there was a billboard in Philadelphia on 95 with a bear holding a tray of cocktails.  (Larry's nickname was Bear from me and he loved his liquor). In the moment, I remember sobbing and saying that I was sorry, but it just didn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough, nothing tastes good enough, no fleeting feelings of happiness feel good enough.

My other resentment towards God is that he/she owes me one.  Larry's end was pretty horrific. I feel as if I watched my buddy get blown up during the Vietnam War.  I am very haunted by images and exchanges during the last 3 months.  So I feel like God owes me something great and not all this expense cutting nonsense and dishonest tenants and an executor and lawyer who don't answer my emails.  And I know that's possible, but I'm not holding my breath because I know that's not the way it works.  

 As you can read...difficult night.  Back to rehearsing.