I'm gonna spray my pee at you, oh yeah

Well, I bet this one got your attention.  I have been going through lots of physical testing and it's been trying.  I've had back pain for 6 months and the doctors decided to rule out lots of stuff, some involving pee which, while I was waiting for the urologist to perform this most unpleasant procedure, I was giggling at this most unusual gift I received from a friend who hasn't seen me since Larry died and who wanted to make me feel better.

I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists.  This friend falls in the radical artist category.  He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent.  So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you.  The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up.  They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me.  Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away?  I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing.  I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house.  Maybe it's the dogs.

My business has increased.  I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt.  It's HARD!  I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.

Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.

Handyman

I hired a handyman.  For the first time in 2 years I can lock all of my doors.  With the pit bulls, it didn't much matter but nobody's going to purchase a home where not all the doors lock.

Also, after going through quite a few medical tests, nothing is seriously wrong with me. 

When I miss Larry and other musings

I have this rule with myself to never work freelance past 9 pm.  First, I get up extremely early to start work and secondly, I have had fatigue-related health issues in the past and this is one way of keeping that from happening again. It is getting increasingly hard to stick to this.  When Larry died, I had two main clients.  I now have five and I thank the universe for that, but it's got it's challenges.

I started reading this book called Evolution Angel loaned to me by a friend about a ER physician's experiences talking with spirit guides.  It kind of explains why people have to die etc. and it has been comforting.  These spirits place a great emphasis on good deeds and so I have begun to volunteer 15 minutes per day at the local animal shelter to work with a happy (but slightly obnoxious) little dog named Bunny.  She wasn't too interested in my training methods until I brought hotdogs.  I also volunteered to help a program I belong to called Suppers which helps me maintain healthy eating. 

So here's the opposite of my last post, I am starting with the good and moving on to the bad.  I am VERY busy and it is becoming clear to me that my new lifestyle will not support having a house and all that it takes to maintain that house so will definitely be moving out of a house and into townhouse or condo but not for a while - at least another year.

 There have been a few moments when I miss having my friend around.  The worst (and it really was the moment I felt the MOST sorry for myself since Larry passed) was I have recently needed to have a lot of medical testing done.  I went for a CT scan.  I was nervous, there was huge drama over my paperwork and precertification number to get the insurance company to cover it, delaying the scan and now having to squeeze me in.  I watched an older patient as they wheeled him into the radiology department.  The nurses were talking to him, but he was dispondant.  I wondered if he had any family looking after him.  I wondered who will look after me if I become ill.  My parents are older and I have one sibling left (the other died young) who lives across the country and probably would not be too keen on taking care of me.  She has always been a bit of a fun-loving gal and not as good at facing tough emotional situations.  So stuff went wrong and I'm a needle phobe anyway and the tests  I'm having done are to rule out cancer,  I asked someone to come along with me but they couldn't and it just felt very lonely.  I made it through the scan without much incident (did have to stop them because I was going to faint but I did not!).   

The other moment was a storm that hit Tuesday night.  I get really nervous about being alone for a natural disaster and having another human in the house just kind of calms me down. Anyway, the storm was really intense for about 15 minutes but then subsided.  Branches fell, some large, none hit the house. 

The other thing that I miss about Larry is having someone take me out for a good meal.   I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that one.  Saturday I try to cook a fancy meal for myself but it's not the same as being waited on and tasting good food you didn't have to work hard for.  I don't know, singles, got any strategies?

Disappointed

I haven't blogged for almost one month.  Partly because I have a big video project keeping me busy.  Partly because I haven't known how to say something without hurting feelings.   Sometimes, I think life should be bigger, sweeter, kinder than it is and I've been very disappointed that some people just didn't come through for me in the way that I wanted them to after Larry died--particularly Larry's friends.  I didn't want to blog about it because I was afraid someone would read this and think that I was talking about them personally.  I don't want to make anyone wrong, but I can't deny that I have been feeling disappointed.    We're almost at the 6 month mark and so the world kind of expects you to function as normal and I am still far from normal.  I am better, however, much better.  There are a lot of good things happening.  I've alluded to one of them but wanted to wait until I felt more sure that it was happening.  I made friends with some puppeteers from a class I took and they are going to help me make a 15-year dream of making a "Sesame Street for wildlife" come true. 

You wouldn't expect this, but there's still so much to do to settle everything.  I still have finances to rearrange and transfer and PSE&G wanted to charge me an extra $500 to put the account in my name so I decided I could be Larry for the rest of my life.  (Oh, also, when I went there in person and explained that my husband died, blank stare, no "I'm sorry for your loss".  If there's one thing I'd like people to know from this blog is that it feels so bad when people say nothing and the thing to say that is ALWAYS appropriate is..."I'm sorry for your loss." It's not that hard to say.  One of the people I've been furious at are my neighbors across the street who have never acknowledged that Larry died.  They're not so friendly anyway.  Three weeks after Larry died I ran into the wife at a garden store and she had a big smile on her face and said "Hi".  I don't know why people think that will make me feel better.  It actually made me want to hit people for a while. It feels like there's an elephant in the room that nobody was acknowledging.   How about a neutral, "hi".  It's different now.  It feel ok when people are cheery.  Nobody ever brings up Larry's name except my Mom. 

Still, I feel stronger than I anticipated.  Larry and I always felt that the world didn't really see my talents and suddenly has changed.  It feels like everyone sees what I can contribute.  Feels very good to be happening in conjunction with a giant loss.