A Week to Recover

I have been frittering time away over the past two days playing an internet game called Jewel Quest.  When I play it, I don't have to feel anything and sometimes, that's what I want.  Today it's been a little hard to break away from it and I realized when I was able to break away on my long Sunday dog walk in the woods that it's because I am disappointed.  Last night I sang and played guitar.  First time I sang in a year, first time I played guitar in about 10 years.  I wanted it to be an A+ performance.  It was more like a B+ performance...very good, showed tremendous potential and everyone encouraged me to keep at it.  I wanted to resurface musically like a phoenix from the ashes, I wanted this to be the performance of a lifetime but how can I compare myself to people who are on stage solo all the time?  It's not fair for me to compare myself like that and the truth is that I practiced hard and it needs more work and it was good--very good.  Realistically, I'm still grieving and that saps your energy.  I made this performance mean something big and because of that, I am disappointed. And of course, everyone is a bit down after something they prepared a lot for is over.  (A few friends showed up and that was nice.)

I also wanted some kind of symbol from Larry that he was present.  I do receive what I believe are hellos or messages from him but they never come when I mentally demand them.  I wanted one on our anniversary, on my birthday, but they don't come when I want them and usually come when I'm more down than up.  Maybe it's hard in the afterlife to make them happen. 

And so I am not doing the things that need done today.  I need to pay bills and work on a film editing job and get some things ready for a first-time dog agility lesson I have tomorrow--it's far and it came with a long list of stuff I have to bring. That's what HAS to get done and yet I'm doing anything but.  I decided to write just to get away from playing Jewel Quest and feel some feelings.  If I were a friend listening to me, I would tell me to take a week to recover from my disappointment.  I want comfort foods and even though I have been trying to loose weight, I think I need to listen to this imaginary friend who is telling me to take a week to recover. I want mac and cheese and blts and steak on the grill with baked potatoes.  I would tell me that Larry only passed away less than four months ago and that there is very little harder than watching someone you love deteriorate and after all, I am paying bills and meeting client deadlines so what if I have a down week?  I don't need to meet the neighbors expectation of a perfect lawn.   

Tomorrow I am looking forward to my first agility lesson with my dog Oakley.  It's an hour that I know I won't be grieving and she's such a funny, good dog.  After driving home from the Sunday walk the dogs like to leap out of the car but I make them sit first because without discipline, these two would be pure chaos.  Oakley was already in motion when I asked her to sit and so she tumbled out of the car making me laugh.

If I fail to perform today like I want, it's ok.  I have thrown my energy into what life there is in this house and that means fish, plants, dogs and I watched the dogs stick their heads out the window, jowls flapping in the wind.  I have spent a lot of time making my scared little creatures into happy, happy dogs.  Maybe that was the most important thing to do today. 

Don't buy fresh black eyed peas

In general, I'm feeling my energy come back, my desire to do things that are good for me...which led me to my purchase of fresh black eyed peas at the farmers market. They seemed exotic and interesting.   Tonight's dinner decision was between a vegetarian gratin (I'm not vegetarian but I don't care if I don't have meat at every meal unlike my late husband) or black eyed peas with grits.  So I'm taking advantage of things I couldn't do when Larry was alive.  There had to be meat and there had to be a sauce to go with the meat.  Back to the peas. I opted for the peas because I didn't feel like the 30 minute prep for the other dish but I was oh so wrong.   

When you see no instructions on the internet about cooking or preparing a vegetable, there's a reason for it.  It is synonymous with way-too-much-work-so-don't-even-try-it, it is not worth taking up space on the internet or it's never been done.  Pick one.  I was struggling with merely peeling the beans so I got this idea to parboil them. This helped.  Not wanting to stand and shell these and be painfully aware of the time it was taking to shell them, I turned on a documentary.  One full documentary later, I had the peas shelled. I kind of went with a recipe and kind of ad libbed but dinner fell just short of being yummy and I would have done less work with the other dish.  Lesson learned.  I long to develop a repertoire of go to recipes that I can just whip up.  Some nights this happens.  So not much about grief to report except that I am appreciating things that Larry did for us that makes my life sweeter now (such as we almost always had yummy meals) and the thoughts are not always met with a tinge of sadness.  It hasn't quite been 4 months.  I think this is excellent progress.

AAA--A Single Gal's Best Friend

You know those people you meet and you wonder how they are getting by with life because they are so not present that they leave their wallet on the counter or loose their keys or LOCK THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING AND THEIR POCKETBOOK INSIDE?  I must confess that I have an artist's temperament and that I fight everyday not to be as spacey as I really am and having lost Larry, I can tell you it is a million times worse than usual.  I have lists and charts and timers and reminders to counteract the fact that I have trouble with life's basics, but yes, I locked my dogs in the car with the motor running as well as my pocketbook.  But who needs a husband when you have AAA?  Every other person has a AAA card on them and a cell phone and all AAA needs is your name and they can look you up.  Another non-event thanks to my AAA membership!

So I think I've decided that the yard is a little much for me to maintain from year to year so I'll probably move but not anytime soon.  For now I'm actually enjoying parts of being alone.  I get a lot of energy from being alone--always have.  Parties wear me out.  All that small talk is tedious.  And my new best friend is   Etsy--my source for affordable decorating.  Larry loved the ocean (as I do) and so I am transforming the room that he passed away in, into a beautiful nautical-themed room filled with antique prints of starfish and jellyfish, shells on the dresser and several shades of blue.  The jury is out right now on whether or not I will rent this room but I cannot imagine sharing space with someone right now.  I would be grouchy with even the perfect roommate so it will be my starfish guestroom for now.

Yes, folks, I am having longer and longer periods of time when I forget the awfulness of loosing Larry.  Things are good with my career.  In fact, a lifelong project is coming to fruition thanks to the graduates of my puppet class. I'll share more on that another time.  I'm still a bit incredulous that my carpe diem moment is here. Anyway, my talents are finally being recognized by the world.  The day that Larry decided to give up fighting the cancer, at the end of the conversation when there were no more words to be said, I said to Larry, if there's any way for you to help my career from the other side...I trailed off.  He emphatically said, "No worries mate" which is what he often referred to me as.    I don't know if that's what he is busy doing or if my energy is finally freed up, but I find myself more and more in front of shakers and movers in the town of Princeton and they are saying that I'm very talented in a variety of different things.

The dogs have also been a Godsend.  They are silly and happy creatures and I so look forward to coming home to pet them and dote on them.   Oakley and I will start our agility classes on Monday.  That's what I asked for for my 50th birthday because when I am training her, I do not dwell on the past, I am totally present so that's 8 weeks where I know that one hour a week, I will be pleasantly distracted.

I even cooked for a couple this weekend.  I choose a menu I couldn't mess up too badly, but the meal was good and then we all went to see the new Woody Allen movie (yawn, don't bother).

Yes, my friends, grief is easing up a bit.  

Almost Perfect Day

You may recall how the yanking away of the Toyota Rav 4 I was leasing left me feeling a bit violated.  Being forced to drive my dead husband's car left me slightly deflated.  Not only because Larry's idea of car maintenance was, buy it, own it, maintain just enough to keep it running, drive it till it falls apart, but also because that car felt like it was going to break down any minute.  This past Thursday night, that's just what it did as I was discussing that very subject with my passenger.  But what luck, I was with a friend whose girlfriend was following us, I have AAA so towing was free, my Mom was a staying at my house and I had put a down payment on a car one week prior and was one day away from picking it up.  What does all this mean?  In a nutshell, since I do not own the car, I am not responsible for fixing it and since my Mom was at my house, she was my chauffeur for one day only until I picked up my new (used) car in Bethlehem PA.  The ride to the car this morning was a gorgeous one, hill and dale past small farms, and orchards, the kind of New Jersey you hope might really exist.  After getting the title for the car (another Rav 4 and I feel so much better feeling that I'm driving around in a safe car), we headed into the town of Bethlehem to a store that my Mom loves (I'm not much of a shopper) but I felt Larry's presence there as if to say, I know you bought a car and I'm celebrating with you so I purchased a fancy schmancy realistic smelling car air freshener--lavender.   We had trouble finding a lunch spot but stumbled upon a quirky place called Horns at Lehigh Valley College where the food was organic and delicious and I would gladly return.  I drove home stopping at one of the small farms where I picked a pint of raspberries and blackberries and payment was on the honor system with a box placed on the counter.  It felt good to be alone and abandoning my standard checklist-of-a-day.  Raspberry-stained hands, I got into the car and drove home in lavender-scented blissful solitude.