I keep wanting to say "this is my last post". I want to move on from the grief. I have tried. I have started to date again, made a conscious decision to walk away from suing the township because my physical needs are met (thanks to the kindness of friends and strangers). I live in a beautiful little home and I can pay my bills. I wish that were enough for me.
From January to end of April is my tough time. The anniversary of all of my tragedies…the fire, loosing sweet Montana dog in the fire, my brother's birthday and death, my first divorce, Larry's birthday and Larry's passing. When I write it out, it's no wonder I'm not a bundle of joy right now.
A lot of people have suggested that I start dating again…not necessarily to find true love but just to have some fun. I have to say that it has not been fun but has given me some fun stories. Because I didn't feel comfortable sticking a picture up of my entire body online, I started dieting. This is my last frontier of overindulgence that I just don't want to give up. Food has helped me cope and now I'm out in life emotionally naked. I wish this year were about finding the joy in life again, but it has been more about the discipline of looking at finances, home repairs, and trying to be responsible for the way my fifty year old body feels. I have been so diligent at trying to make changes so that I can enjoy life again, but so far, I have had very little harvest for all the sowing I've done. Sigh.
Larry wanted his ashes scattered (illegally) in two places. Because one place was connected with his children, I gave half the ashes to his daughter a week before the fire. I lost my half in the fire. I found out she kept a handful of his ashes and promised them to me but when I started to email and call for the ashes, things ended very badly between us. She accused me of all kinds of things and requested I never contact the family again. I said my goodbyes to Jordan, Larry's autistic son who I had been having over to my house once a month for an outing. Sadly, I feel that if anything ever happened to Jordan while in my care that at least the daughter would try to sue me. After all that has happened to me, I simply can't afford the liability, emotionally or otherwise.
I'm going to scatter self made ashes from some books that Larry had that were given back to me after the fire. They are books of wine labels that Larry collected. I had some of Larry's things in my office (some beautiful pictures and even one wedding pic). Larry's brother and sister in law gave me some pics too. So ashes will be scattered on his birthday or the anniversary of his passing which are just two days apart. Raise your proverbial glasses and here's hoping that things do lighten up a bit for me so that I can be useful in society again and feel good.
