Christmas has come and gone. I made the best of it and even planned things I like to do. I drank my way through Christmas eve in a tipsy stupor until I fell asleep. There were some very sad moments, but none so sad as my initial attempt to decorate when I opened a box and came across all of our Christmas stockings. I didn't know what to do with these stockings physically. Do I hang mine? There's nobody to fill it. Do I get rid of Larry's? Do I send his children theirs? Do I donate these items? There came a flood of emotions for the shifting relationships between me and his children. His daughter did not invite me to the grandchildren's birthday parties and I have waited 5 separate days for her to pick up half of Larry's ashes but she never showed and never left an explanation. At the funeral, she acted like I killed Larry. I wished her a happy birthday on Facebook and sent a gift card for Christmas. I'm keeping the lines of communication open mostly because Larry would like it that way.
My relationship with Larry's autistic son, Jordan, however, has shifted for the better. Because Jordan is no longer staying overnight every other weekend, Jordan realizes that it is now a privilege to spend time together and he is on his best behavior. We spent time together for our annual Frazer Family Christmas shopping and in a quiet moment, I asked him if he missed his Dad. He said, "Yes" but then added, "But you miss him most of all". I was astounded that he was able to acknowledge that the relationship of a husband and wife is different than other family members. It was sweet.
Relationships with his friends have shifted. My social life was filled with Larry's friends for the past ten years and that has completely stopped. I don't hear from any of Larry's friends.
Since the hurricane, however, I realize how kind my immediate neighbors have been, tackling robbers and getting relatives with chainsaws to help me with a fallen tree. Also kind have been my dogwalking friends from the neighborhood with whom I have spent the past 6 or 7 New Year's Eves. This year, because my house has a dining room and as an acknowledgement to Larry, the party will be mostly at my home. Larry would be thrilled.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Strange Juxtaposition
While the world is busy forgetting about Larry, nine months later I am still inundated with daily reminders. I went to a financial place to transfer Larry's retirement funds to my name. The woman at the desk was young and seemingly unmarried. As I have gotten used to, she did not say, "I'm sorry for your loss." but simply went about her business. While closing accounts, and transferring funds, nobody asks about Larry, a man who had a fairly big career here in Princeton and an even bigger personality. To the people that I now interact with, he is just a deceased person. Amongst most people that knew him, they do not mention him for fear of upsetting me. I do not hear from his friends or people who might still hold him dear in their hearts as I still do.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
My daily life is filled with constant reminders, however. I was filing at work and came across a class roster for a class I was supposed to teach. The date read March 14. Was I really teaching 6 weeks before Larry died, I asked myself. Yesterday, I was in a newsletter program and there is still a little blurb with his picture that says he is unsubscribed (by me) that catches me by surprise from time to time. Today, I saw that he was invited to a friends' play because I have not dismantled his Facebook page. I have not dismantled it because I still can't bear to have no trace of him.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Christmas t-shirt
I have not written in a long, long time. Mostly due to being very inundated with new clients and new things to learn. Sounds good and it mostly is, but the truth is this experience of watching my life partner slip away has left me with lots of vulnerability and anxiety. I feel like I'm 5 years old living in this adult world. I really just want my Mommy but instead, I put on a blazer and pretend that I know how to fix your website or get you more Facebook followers, create a promotional video for your business etc.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
This multi-tasking of skills can be fun, but it leaves me spread thin across industries sometimes and not knowing where to focus my knowledge. There have been many late nights and early mornings working on something new and I'm slightly uncertain about the way I'm going about it. That has created a lot of anxiety for me as business amps up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted still and frankly, tired of grief.
The other reason that I haven't written is that every day, I go through such a cycle of emotions that I think about sharing but I don't even know where to start, so even in blogging, I feel overwhelmed.
I heard the holidays can be hard and so this is where I am. I am flooded with remembrances of goodbyes. Last year at this time, people were beginning to say their goodbyes to Larry. I remember one dinner with a local couple. I knew it would be our last together. Larry picked the restaurant. The place was crowded and the food mediocre and I wanted it to be special and it just wasn't. I wanted that whole holiday season to be special and that was very much an impossible fantasy. I remember I purchased the softest lounging clothes I could possibly get for Larry as Christmas gifts. So very strange to have to buy things relating to his illness and side effects of chemo and such a stark contrast to other holidays. There was a bamboo tshirt that I purchased last Christmas which was very soft. Several months later, the hospice nurse and I cut the tshirt down the back so that we could just slip it over his head because it was becoming harder for all parties to roll or lift Larry. It pains me that we cut the t-shirt. Not only because it was expensive, but it symbolized how transient everything we were purchasing was. After Larry died, I had to decide if the shirt would become a rag for the house or to throw it away. It seems like such as small decision but this is where grief trips us all. Because it was such a loving act on my part, because we dressed him in that t-shirt a lot, throwing it away felt like throwing Larry away and my love for him, keeping it as a rag felt like saying his life wasn't worth much and a constant reminder of his death. I opted to throw it away.
Before I leave you on this completely bleak note, I have been reaching out for help and lots of people have been spending time with me.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Purpose is Saving Me
The holidays are coming and I feel just plain crummy; physically and mentally. It feels like I am going backwards in grief. I have a lot of sob moments right now although I have taken steps to take care of myself and try to get some of my needs met. There is one aspect of my life where I know I am truly blessed. As others in my grief group repeat the sentiment that they feel lost and don't understand why they are left here on earth, I know perfectly well what I was put on earth to do and that is to produce educational children's videos. It feels a little unsafe to share this with the rest of my grief group, but, in fact, I have been working towards this goal for the past 15 years, perhaps longer. There could be no greater time than now to produce Sesame Street for the environment and the final part of the puzzle presented itself in the form of a troupe of puppeteers I got to know through a class. And so we are building puppet, writing storyboards, scheduling rehearsals etc and I am the human who gets to be in charge of this which is awesome.
I met with the grief group tonight and it just helped to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and the craziness of life after your loved one dies. It has almost been 7 months now but it feels as fresh as yesterday. The advent of the holiday season approaching is triggering me even more.
I met with the grief group tonight and it just helped to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and the craziness of life after your loved one dies. It has almost been 7 months now but it feels as fresh as yesterday. The advent of the holiday season approaching is triggering me even more.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
All Shook Up
It has been one heck of a week and most of it has been today.
I've been frustrated with a pain in my back that has been going on for 9 months. I'm finally getting physical therapy, but there have been lots of setbacks and today I felt as if this is it, it's never going to end. I have some other minor physical things going on too, but it all adds up to feeling old and tired and truly worried that physically, this is as good as it's going to get. I even hurt sitting. I honestly feel like it's just anxiety but I can't seem to quell the anxiety.
Yesterday I went to town hall to ask about a late payment on a sewer bill that I didn't understand. They were incredibly not compassionate which lead to me screaming things at them in the hallway which reverberated throughout the municipal building.
I had an incident today at work which left me feeling very used and I was driving home trying to decide what to do about it and clearly bothered by it.
I have a neighbor who is pretty nosy and sometimes the minute I open my car door, there he is, even late at night. That was the case tonight. Internally I was rolling my eyes at being accosted yet again by Bob when he said the police just left my house. Apparently, two men saw packages on the side of my house and walked away with them. My neighbor heard my dogs bark and happened to look out the window to see them walking down my driveway so he tackled the one with the larger package, dialed 911 and he got away. Luckily for me it was dog food and dog medicine and not my expensive video camera which came last week.
I'm a little shook up by this....wondering if this was a crime of opportunity or not. Regardless they know the white car in the driveway means nobody is home.
This week has left me completely emotionally wiped out.
I've been frustrated with a pain in my back that has been going on for 9 months. I'm finally getting physical therapy, but there have been lots of setbacks and today I felt as if this is it, it's never going to end. I have some other minor physical things going on too, but it all adds up to feeling old and tired and truly worried that physically, this is as good as it's going to get. I even hurt sitting. I honestly feel like it's just anxiety but I can't seem to quell the anxiety.
Yesterday I went to town hall to ask about a late payment on a sewer bill that I didn't understand. They were incredibly not compassionate which lead to me screaming things at them in the hallway which reverberated throughout the municipal building.
I had an incident today at work which left me feeling very used and I was driving home trying to decide what to do about it and clearly bothered by it.
I have a neighbor who is pretty nosy and sometimes the minute I open my car door, there he is, even late at night. That was the case tonight. Internally I was rolling my eyes at being accosted yet again by Bob when he said the police just left my house. Apparently, two men saw packages on the side of my house and walked away with them. My neighbor heard my dogs bark and happened to look out the window to see them walking down my driveway so he tackled the one with the larger package, dialed 911 and he got away. Luckily for me it was dog food and dog medicine and not my expensive video camera which came last week.
I'm a little shook up by this....wondering if this was a crime of opportunity or not. Regardless they know the white car in the driveway means nobody is home.
This week has left me completely emotionally wiped out.
Friday, November 9, 2012
He's Everywhere
I wish I could say that life is returning to normal, but with the holidays approaching, it feels like Larry is everywhere but not in a good way. Take my trip to Maine to visit Larry's brother and sister-in-law. The trip itself was lovely and so were they, but I decided to do something I don't seem to have time to do at home--that is shop--at the nearby LL Bean flagship store. Upon entering, there was a huge display of the gift I got for Larry each Christmas--slippers. Larry was into Walmart everything and I upgraded him to LL Bean "Wicked Good" Slippers. He really adored his slippers and nicknamed them Moose and Squirrel. So my shopping start made me sad as well as my shopping end when they mentioned the "ship to" address I used so that Larry would not discover his Christmas presents.
Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing. I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast. The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time. I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it. I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him). I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages.
One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping. Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him. I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights.
Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year. I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me. I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them.
I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress. I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on. The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high. Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that. The other part is that I'm an anxious person. Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow. Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.
Everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing. I am aware that I'm doing well, but the truth is that I still really hurt and memories are coming in hard and fast. The last three months of Larry's life were very difficult for both of us (and others) and I have daily flashbacks of that time. I come across his photo at the television station sometimes because he was a member but it's random and I'm usually not expecting it. I've erased most of his photos/membership (which feels really strange to be deleting traces of him). I can't seem to take down his Facebook account and he pops up as a mutual friend on lots of friends Facebook pages.
One of my most difficult times seems to be grocery shopping. Food was a huge connection between the two of us and now that the holidays are coming, the shelves are stocked with specialty items I know Larry would like and I would have bought for him. I almost always have a little cry at Wegman's on Friday nights.
Larry didn't really allow anyone to talk about the reality of his illness and so although I strongly suspected that last year would be our last holiday season together, we treated it like just another year. I found two cards with beautiful sentiments on them that must have been for me. I'm sure he would have given them to me if had remembered he bought them.
I was going to have a holiday party this year but I think it would just add stress. I'm having enough trouble fitting in the work I've taken on. The truth is that being married to Larry made me feel a lot safer in this world and now I have to manage my own anxiety which seems to be very high. Part of it is that the unthinkable happened and I am very much trying to get over the trauma of that. The other part is that I'm an anxious person. Being married made things simpler in my mind somehow. Being single makes me 100% responsible for my own life and it feels overwhelming.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I'm gonna spray my pee at you, oh yeah
Well, I bet this one got your attention. I have been going through lots of physical testing and it's been trying. I've had back pain for 6 months and the doctors decided to rule out lots of stuff, some involving pee which, while I was waiting for the urologist to perform this most unpleasant procedure, I was giggling at this most unusual gift I received from a friend who hasn't seen me since Larry died and who wanted to make me feel better.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
I am friends with some pretty conservative people, mostly moderate liberals and then some really radical artists. This friend falls in the radical artist category. He and his 5-year old son made some beautiful wood block prints for me only they were all really violent. So there's one of a monster screaming, "I hate you" and another of two monsters, one proclaiming, I'm gonna spray my pee at you oh yeah and the other responding, I'm gonna spray my blood at you. The urologist didn't get the irony.
But I thought it might be good to share something funny and I'm considering the feng sui (sp?) aspect of hanging these up. They're pretty cool looking and the friend is pretty significant to me. Will I energetically be chasing the few people who will brave being with me alone in my home away? I say brave because people seem to be afraid of what it might be like to be with me or maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing. I don't want to speculate so much, it's hard work to get people into my house. Maybe it's the dogs.
My business has increased. I was feeling like a successful business owner but then I took on two new clients and now I feel like a pinball machine on tilt. It's HARD! I work very late hours and get up very early in the morning and I am just not having much fun. I hope to rectify this soon.
Well, based on my last post, I'm off to Olive Garden with someone who will brave talking to me.
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