June's End

June is usually my favorite month and I chose it as the month that Larry and I would get married.  This June has left me glad it is almost behind me now.  Don't get me wrong, lots of good things happened this month and I have shared them with you.  One of the best being that a good samaritan who reads this blog came over to fix things that I blogged about being broken.   After most plumbers told me to go out and buy a new toilet before they would come, the friend came, snaked the toilet to find that I had accidentally flushed a toothbrush down the toilet (It's not that gross, I use old ones for cleaning sometimes) So June ends with me saving hundreds of dollars in plumber fees and my beautiful pea green colored toilet saved. That's not sarcasm.  I truly love the strange color.

June also ends with the repo man towing my car away today.  If you make your payments and jump through all the paperwork hoops to get permission  to surrender the car including death certificate and will (really, the will? nobody else made me do that.), Toyota treats you the same as if you had lapsed on your payments.  You have 48 hour to surrender the car once they call to arrange pickup or they take it by force when you aren't looking.  Way to go, Toyota. Wish they would have explained that.

Larry died at the end of April, May I was still wrapped in a soft cocoon of support and June was about implementing plans and getting on with the task of  living however difficult.  I passed our first wedding anniversary without Larry.   In July I will turn 50.  I hope that July the task of living eases up a bit. 

Future potential blogs:  The Grievies - awards for best support roles and how you can still show support AND why supermarkets are a good place to cry. 

Looking Up

I'm very excited.  I just found out that a film I submitted has been accepted as an official entry in the Lambertville film festival.  My film will air twice, outdoors, on the side of a bank at night. It's a puppetry piece I made last year. 

Also, yesterday was probably my first pretty decent day where I felt kind of content.  I have a summer intern.  I've had interns before, but this one is my dream intern.  I can hand her something and trust that it's going to be done right.   I had another film, a documentary, air at another festival a few weeks ago.  Things are looking up.  There's more than enough reasons to move on and keep living. 

Singing out for the first time July 14.  

Icebergs

Sometimes I feel frozen from making a decision.  I've always been a little plagued by making the "right" decision but  the amount of frozen I used to be felt like melting an ice cube and since Larry's passing, I'd say making a decision feels like melting an iceberg. And there's so many decisions to make!

I made the decision to release my leased car and purchase a used one.  This took many phone calls and explanations to come to this decision but finally, I am waiting for a call from Toyota for them to arrange a time to pick up the car. 

Today some friends started to convince me that maybe Toyota could make me a deal on the current lease or new lease and encouraged me to go to the Toyota dealership.  After thinking that I should just lease a new car because there would be less mileage and I would potentially be safer with no surprises, I called my Dad who encouraged me to buy a used car which was what I had intended to do before going to the dealership.

Ultimately, I think that a used car will last me longer for the same amount of money.  Leasing a car might affect my credit score which I've worked so hard to build so I think that's my final decision.  Iceberg melted for the time being. 

Tip:  Free credit report is not free...Credit Karma is free. 

I hope some other widows find this blog someday and I hope it helps them feel connected.



 

Update-Girl Genius at Work

I found an installation video of my Thule bike rack model and discovered the reason why I could not remove the bike rack from the spare tire.  Once found, I detached the bike rack and with my new bionic muscles lifted the spare tire and put it back on the car--cover and all.  Woo hoo.

Doubly Dead

Something that I did not anticipate is that nobody wants to bring up Larry or talk about him to me.  So it's as if he's doubly dead.  I even asked his brother Kevin to tell me a story about him and he said, "Oh there's so many." but let the subject drop.  I think some people are afraid they will cry as in Kevin's case or are afraid they will make me cry.  Crying feels better than stuffing the tears.  It is cathartic.

For some, as in most people who I encounter at my workplace, Larry's death is over.  It's been two months so they feel I should be moving on which is, of course, ridiculous for anyone who has been through this.  It's over for them.  I work part-time in a place where the public can come in and hang out in my office space (yes, somewhat annoying at times).  Yesterday's public discussion was a story about someone with cancer who died and what happened after that. This discussion was started by someone I know well at work.  I wanted to scream, "Hello, don't you know this is painful for me?"  I decided to calm down and address it today.

I also broke down crying to one of Larry's good friends asking for him and another of  Larry's good friends to visit and telling him how much I missed their presence, but it fell on deaf ears.  There will be no visit ever I'm sure. I don't expect to hear much from many of Larry's friends.  This is very typical after a tragedy.  Certain people come through, certain cannot deal.  My dog walking friends will help if I ask but I've gotten the most (physical) help from members of the TV station where I work in the afternoons.

Nothing has broken yet this week.  Toilet still broken.  This seems crazy, I know, but I don't want to purchase a new toilet because the toilet, sink and shower stall are all a funky shade of green (which I love) and that bathroom doesn't look so great in the first place mostly due to me telling Larry I could install the vinyl floor (badly) and workmen falling through the ceiling (including Larry.  We never got it repaired because Larry kept saying he was going to fix it himself.   Going to bicycle shop to try to get the tire rack off of the spare tire so that Toyota can come take my car away.  Hopefully I can lift the spare tire. I am getting a used car so that I don't have payments anymore. 

Still exercising, still playing guitar.  Getting exercise DVDs from the library which is actually a great way to preview them.  The three things giving me pleasure right now...my dogs, singing and playing music and feeling my muscles get stronger.  That's better than no pleasure...Oh, and rearranging stuff to make the house look nice.  Four things!!! 

Tolerating Blandness

I went to a zen meditation last night.  After one meditation, there is a lecture.  The lecture was about people's tendency to want to chase away the blandness of life.  I think that is why it is hard for a lot of people to sit with grief.  Grief feels to me like waiting for things to get better than bland.    Tonight I made a kale soup for dinner and it was just ok.  Nothing to write home about.  And I am going to try to be ok with that instead of chasing it with other food that may or may not be tasty.  I'm full so...  It's really hard for me not to overeat right now.  It's where I've always gone to try to get excitement.  Hey, I tried to cook a healthy and economical meal and be responsible for my health and my money instead of take out.  As I was eating, there's a simple grey bird that is in New Jersey for the summer called the catbird.  It sounds like R2D2 from Star Wars, but it ends it's song with something that sounds like, "Larry" (sometimes it sounds like meow--hence the name).  Every spring Larry and I (I turned Larry into a birdwatcher when I met him) would wait for "Larry" and one of us would say, "catbird is back".  Catbird has been back for quite some time, but caught me off guard tonight and felt bittersweet.  

I will forgive myself if I have the last of the blueberry pie later.

Things I don't know

Larry's autistic son Jordan stayed over last night.  We went to a local open mike where he farted loudly during a poetry reading and then said, "Excuse me" loudly while the poet was reading.  He doesn't like to sit with any parent figure at these things so I was far away, pretending that nothing happened. 

The visit was challenging in terms of setting boundaries.  He had a good time and I guess it was a good sign that I can get outside myself this soon but parts of this visit felt like a battle.  For instance, I purchased food for him and he wants to take it with him. 

The open mike was actually a little emotional for me.  Lots of songs about dying and heaven and relationships ending.  I was exhausted early.  

Here are the things I don't know...the downstairs toilet is not flushing.  I've called two plumbers.  One stood me up twice so he's off the list and the other is insisting that I need a new toilet (without seeing it) and I don't trust that info.  I guess tomorrow I am calling a third plumber?  The toilet's been broken for a week. 

Yesterday tried to take the bike rack off of the back of the car because I'm giving up the car but it is far more complicated than I imagined and now a spare tire, nuts and the bike rack are sitting in my driveway.  I'm not sure what to do on that one either.

After I took off the spare tire, there is a lit symbol on my dashboard saying that there is not enough air in the tires.  I put air in the tires but the thing that reads the air was reading the proper amount and the light is coming on intermittently.  Is this related to taking off the spare?  I don't know.  

I'm super anxious lately.  Considering drugs short term.  After all, I'm meditating, exercising consistently and taking supplements. 

It's just a house and I know that I should be able to say that in my head, but really struggling with the anxiety.

My super hyper dogs walked calmly with a new dog today.  That's my success for the day so far. 

Sharyn

The things we do for love or fish poop and bio balls

Larry loved his stuff, his property, his land, and I am trying to maintain it.  I feel extremely proud each time I figure out how something works or fix something. I fixed a crack on a fiberglass shower stall!  I turned off our  I have a weekly to do list every day to maintain the interior and exterior of the house.  As a result, I am a bit sore all the time and have lots of poison ivy scars.  Thursday is pond day.  He had these fish that he spoke to as if they were dogs when we were dating and living in PA.  It was then that I realized he needed a furrier pet than a fish.  And so, for the moment, I cannot get rid of the fish he kept in a lovely rectangular shaped pond in our back yard.  Pond day involved getting pretty dirty cleaning four filters filled with slimy green fish poop, hosing them down for about 10 minutes, then attempting to fit the filters back on while digging my hands down into the green fish poop water to have a certain amount of bio balls (they eat the bacteria) strategically placed on the bottom so that everything fits back the way it should.

If that is successful, I then have a rubber ring that needs to be in the right place to get the metal containing strip to fit around the outside.  Often this takes numerous tries and possibly opening everything back up, dipping my hand back into fish poop water to reposition bio balls.  Sitting on the filter sometimes helps and the clasp that holds it all shut is not for the weak.

Someday perhaps I will be ready to fill in the fishpond with dirt since the whole fishpond cleaning takes about 45 minutes per week, but for now, I am only willing to part with the 15 or so baby comets that were born last summer.  Takers?

Poison Ivy

There is so much poison ivy growing.  I don't know what Larry did to keep it at bay.  I have poison ivy killer that I spray and it's working, but each day I seem to find a new patch. The yard work is overwhelming.  Today I felt like selling the house because of it. One of the toilets is broken with Larry's son Jordan coming for the weekend.  If you know Jordan, then you know that there should be a working toilet.

How can so many things break all the time?

I'm Calling but Nobody's Listening or Not Enough

Sometimes, I need to write more than once a day.  This is one of those days (or nights).  I really, really, miss Larry tonight.  Here's my ambivalent feelings towards God these days.  (I'll call it God, but I'm open to whatever fits for you).  I've always thought that I had tuned into higher waves of consciousness so I thought that on very hard days, I could ask Larry for connection and I'd get it right away.  I told him before he passed that the easiest way for him to communicate with me was through dreams.  I have not had one dream about Larry and I feel resentful towards God about it.  I'm in a lot of physical pain, however, and I don't think I'm dreaming much at all. 

I thought it would be like this...in dark moments I'd just speak to God and Larry and tell them that I need a sign and I would truly feel their presence.  That happened once after his nephews wedding.  I was driving home and said aloud, "I know it doesn't work like this but I really need to know that you're ok right now." and there was a billboard in Philadelphia on 95 with a bear holding a tray of cocktails.  (Larry's nickname was Bear from me and he loved his liquor). In the moment, I remember sobbing and saying that I was sorry, but it just didn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough, nothing tastes good enough, no fleeting feelings of happiness feel good enough.

My other resentment towards God is that he/she owes me one.  Larry's end was pretty horrific. I feel as if I watched my buddy get blown up during the Vietnam War.  I am very haunted by images and exchanges during the last 3 months.  So I feel like God owes me something great and not all this expense cutting nonsense and dishonest tenants and an executor and lawyer who don't answer my emails.  And I know that's possible, but I'm not holding my breath because I know that's not the way it works.  

 As you can read...difficult night.  Back to rehearsing.

What I Miss Daily, Jordan and No More TV

I miss having coffee together.  That was something that went right away with the chemo one year ago.  Larry's system was not able to handle coffee.  I miss the tea he made me almost nightly.  It tastes better when someone else makes it.  I miss someone to help with dinner.  I miss Larry's levity.  He kept me from being a taskmaster.  Now, I find myself fighting my drive to keep adding to my to do list.  Right this moment, I miss verbally sharing my day with Larry.  I can still share my workday with Larry, but nobody answers back or tells me how to handle something or not to worry about X, Y and Z.

Larry's son Jordan is coming this weekend.  It was his request.  He misses coming here and I guess he feels connected to his Dad this way.  Some of the routine has been broken.  I asked his Mom if she could pay for his groceries while he is here.  Today I reminded him about our visit and that he needs to ask his Mom for money for groceries.  Jordan (who has autism) and I spoke on his last visit about how I don't have his Dad's money anymore and Jordan responded, "You mean he took his money with him?"  He gets angry about this. He doesn't understand why his Dad would do such a thing.  It was kind of heartbreaking and writing this I have a very tight feeling around my heart.  I too wonder why Larry would do such a thing, go ahead and die. It's not rational, but I seriously have moments where I think, "Did that just really happen?"  and it feels like it happened only to me and I'm alone in it.  I'm feeling grief stronger as I type.  Tried a grief group -- that group wasn't for me.  There's one starting in the fall in Princeton.  Seems like it might be a lot better plus it ends after 8 weeks so we all have to move on after that.  

I gave up cable TV--actually all tv as I have no antenna.  Cutting expenses.  I don't miss it at all and this is coming from someone who really LOVED relaxing this way.  I have a Roku box and can watch Netflix.  No commercials and I play more guitar.  I joined my local library.  I rented exercise DVDs instead of buying them.  

I warned Jordan that I have no tv but thought that we could go to the library and rent a few  DVDs.  

Things break all the time.  This week it was a backed up toilet, rain pipe came loose from the gutter and air conditioner broke in the bedroom.  I really feel overwhelmed at times with all that comes with keeping up a house, but I wouldn't want to move either.  I thought I might want to move, but I find myself loving the house more and more.  It's a really nice house for a single person and the yard is very relaxing when I'm not killing poison ivy or getting it.  The to do list is endless and I have moments of great anxiety.  The air conditioner got fixed by my neighbor just in the nick of time.  Where did that expression come from?  Anyone?  

S

Peeves about customer service after your spouses' death

BIG pet peeve.  I cannot tell you the amount of people that I deal with over the phone who say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when you explain that you're trying to make a change to your plan or bill because your spouse died.  Customer service departments need serious training in this area.

Also, people keep trying to solicit money from you even when you explain that circumstances have changed because your spouse died.  Usually, they don't even acknowledge that you just said that, they simply ask for a smaller amount.

Here's the appropriate response.  "I'm very sorry for your loss".  Now, was that so hard to say?

There is a lack of humanity going on over the phone!

Short N Sweet

I'm very pleased to say that I'm exercising 45 minutes, 6 days a week which is helping me from going totally mad.  Singing at the Princeton Arts Council on August 18.  I think both of these things are  really, really good  signs that I'll be ok for someone who just lost their partner.  Also, I am NOT crying every single day anymore.

Got lots of anxiety over bills but I have a plan.  Anxiety seems to be my biggest problem right now. Thoughts spinning out of control.  I have options in that arena.  Just mulling them over.

Why you should never die with rental property

Ok, so my biggest problem right now...tenants.  Larry thought he could make money by renting his house in Levittown.  For some reason, I have never met a good tenant while being Larry's partner.  I don't know why...when I rented places with my first husband, we always paid the full amount on time, we were neat and fair.  Flash forward May 2012.  Without going into a whole lot of detail, Larry's tenants have lied to their own  lawyer and they are ripping off a dead man and his two disabled children and getting away with it due to some unusual circumstances.   Larry was never very good at discipline and his overly fair treatment of these tenants has turned into a nightmare.   On top of all that I need to figure out right now, the last thing I need is a deadbeat tenant. I seriously have revenge fantasies every single day.  And if any of you are being judgmental  about my anger right now you try loosing a spouse whose end was horrific, trying to figure out how to make ends meet while being ripped off and see if it doesn't put you over the edge.  I was even angry with Larry today. 

It was not a very good day in the life of this widow.  I did have one amazing evening this week that gave me a lot of hope for the future and involved performing (singing and playing) again.  Playing out in Princeton August 18.

Hi,

I'll start from where I am.  My husband died last month.  He had just turned 59 two days prior.  I am 49.  I live alone with two dogs.  What is hard for me today is that I am making space for a housemate.  A housemate that I don't really want but I have bills that I can't pay without that housemate.  And so I'm cleaning out the downstairs bathroom closet.  It feels good to be clearing clutter.  When Larry was alive, he was such a pack rat that I felt like I didn't know where to start.  He left so much stuff.  Ugghh.  Grief experts say that you should go slow, but these grief experts don't acknowledge that you might be in financial circumstances that you have to go fast.  It's so strange to come across things that were left as if Larry intended to keep on living.  I just came across his summer pool backpack.  It had New Yorker magazines in it given to him by a friend at the pool, a book he was reading, flippers and goggles.  He loved the pool.  Even if I had the money to renew this year, not sure I would.  I'm annoyed by the public having fun.  I need lots of quiet time and time to cry when I need to.  I cry every day and I make sounds like nothing I have ever experienced.  But I do think it's absolutely essential to cry and shut yourself off for as long as needed.  Otherwise, you skip the grief process and don't heal.  I went to a grief group last week.  I didn't really feel a strong connection with the other women so I don't think I will be going back.  At the end, one of the women said to me, "You never get over it, but it becomes tolerable."  Tolerable?  Since I'm left behind, I'd like it to be more than tolerable.  I have to go on living, not walking zombie-like through life because my husband died. But for right now, it is perfectly ok to be a zombie.